5 minutes and 20 seconds

What’s funny is that my previous novel post wasn’t supposed to be about that Clayton story at all. I got sidetracked. NO SURPRISE THERE.

My post ACTUALLY was supposed to be about what happened the other night. He doesn’t know this happened, which makes me SCREAM with laughter.

You see, Clayton and I have a funny relationship. It is essentially made up of phone tag and long endearing voicemail messages. Well, the other night was no different. It was 5:48 on Tuesday, and I was still at work when he called. I let it go to voicemail cause my boss was still there, HA. It wasn’t until I was going to bed when I listened to it.

It was a butt dial.

I was about to delete, when I started hearing singing. I was like, what is going on?? As I keep listening I realize he butt dialed me while in his car and he was flipping through the radio. I would be a liar if I said I didn’t listen to the whole thing. Which, “the whole thing” in this case is 5 MINUTES AND 20 SECONDS. I just couldn’t get myself to get off of the phone. I justt HAD to hear what song he stopped on and sang for a verse or two. It was a like a game. Immediately after listening, I wrote down all the songs. Because I knew he’d get a kick out it. So, in order, I give to you Clayton’s radio selections along with my commentary:

1. Back to December- Taylor Swift (for only a line or two)

Good vocals. Really showed some emotion to T. Swifts lyrics “And I go back to December all the time”.

2. What’s My Name- Rihanna (maybe 30 seconds)

Couldn’t help but laugh when it was the part ” Hey boy I really wanna see, if you can go downtown with a girl like me”. Once again, great vocals. Rihanna would’ve been proud.

3. Hard- Ke$ha (not gonna lie, this was the longest standing song. Clayton is very flippy I realized)

I sang along, with Clayton. We sound good together by the way. Possibly duet at Avalon’s wedding?? Think about it.

4. Undo It- Carrie Underwood

“I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it”. LOVED. IT. Stellar. Carrie ain’t got nothing on you.

I sorry, but not sorry I didn’t answer your call, Clayton. I was a little disappointed that our girl Mawiah didn’t make a cameo…perhaps next time.

I can’t wait until I butt dial someone and they hear my Celine Dion blasting…let’s just say, I can’t hit the high notes. But I sure do try. Loudly.

 

-T

And I guess it’s pronouced, Ma-Why-Uh?

Yesterday I did not have internet connection. It was terriboo (said in British accent. It’s fun. Try it).  I had my whole day planned..I was going to work for a bit, get my Glee on, work a little more, then watch more Glee. It was going to be spectacular! Then at around 11:01, my day came crumbling down. True I got to go to Panera, where I received a free cup of soup (I know, always a silver lining), but still. Even if I was a good worker and didn’t use internet as a work distraction, I needed my work email! I am a VIP in the accounting world. Really. Ha, not. Regardless. I am baaaaack! My Mozilla is fired up and making moves. Loves it.

So I know I already had a Valentine’s Day post, but I felt the need to make ANOTHER. And this post I’d like to dedicate it to a beloved friend of both Avalon and I. That person would be our resident gay, who goes by the name of Clayton. Errrr I mean, David. Oh, confused are we? Let me take y’all back to a mere 368 days ago (February 14, 2010 for those of us who haven’t had our caffeine kick in yet).

It was a brisk (I don’t actually remember the temp) morning in Florida, when Kasey and I heard someone at the door. We OBVIOUSLY didn’t answer, because we both had our pajamas still on and didn’t feel like talking to people. So we muted the tv (we’re crazy) and waited til they were gone to run to the window and see who it was. And, LO AND BEHOLD, it was 1-800-Flowers.

Uhm. We both were single and had zero prospects. Well, I shouldn’t say that. I am sure we had a few prospects, but they wouldn’t have had the balls (sorry mom) to send us flowers. So we got the flowers and they were addressed to yours truly. My first thought was, oh it’s from my mom! To which Kasey was like, uhm hi I would’ve gotten some too. I was wracking my head trying think…Avalon? Mike (ex, ew)? The list stopped there, because there honestly was no reason for anyone else to send me flowers.

So then Kasey and I put our heads together to try and figure it out. We came up with…OPEN THE BOX/CARD. That’s right. We hadn’t even done that yet. We really are smart, I promise.

We then open the box to find a BEAUTIFUL bouquet of red roses. They were lovely. And I was really fascinated with 1-800-Flowers, since my flowers weren’t even a little bit dead looking. ANYWAYS. Open up the card and it says, and I quote, ” Dear Mom, Happy Valentines Day. Love, David”.

Uhm. Okay?

Not only am I NOT a mom, but I wouldn’t name my child David.

So since the whole “open-the-box-and-see-who-they’re-from-idea” was a waste (not to mention, I am now worried that I didn’t get flowers and they were delivered to the wrong house ) I am back at square one. Quick side note: the wrong delivery thing could have actually happened, because my next door neighbor has a son named David… I was seriously so confused. I thought about waltzing over to my neighbors house (awkward, thank goodness I didn’t). The only thing stopping me was that on the box it had MY NAME, and MY ADDRESS, and MY CELL PHONE. So I am like, IT OBVIOUSLY IS FOR ME.

So I then call my mom. She has no idea what is going on. So my next thought is Avalon, who is at work. I call, tell her my dilemma. And she is like, it was Clayton!

Pfew! Everything is now making sense! A part of me was somehow relived there wasn’t some secret admirer I had out in the world. Creepy.

After the “mystery” is solved, I call up my mom to tell her I figured it out and she is all like, That is so nice! Ya know you should call 1-800-Flowers and tell them they messed up. Clayton paid money for it to be right. Try and get free flowers!

My mom is actually the best type of consumer out there…she tells you when you mess up, and doesn’t bad mouth the company. AND WILL ALWAYS try and get something for free in return ha. Love it. She called and got me a free Line Jumper pass for Disney. Hells yes.

Anyways, I do as I am told and call 1-800-Flowers. A nice young man answers the phone (which I was surprised considering it’s Valentines Day. I assumed I’d be on hold forever). I tell him what happened and prefaced it with, BUT I KNOW WHO SENT IT SO DON’T FEEL BAD. I mainly wanted to call to let David and his mom (who?) know there was a mix up. The man was really nice and we were about to get off the phone when he is like, oh would you like to know what YOUR card said? So I was like, oh. SURE!

This is the part of the story that kills me. Everytime. (And I do apologize, I don’t remember it word for word. I didn’t have time to take it all in, out of sheer embarrassment)

The man starts out, “My dearest Taryn…. You are so beautiful (that might’ve been made up, bahaha). Whenever I look into your eyes, it is like looking into the ocean. I hate that one day your heart will break when you see me walking hand and hand with another man. I will always love you” and at this point I am laughing and crying and embarrassed. Idk why I was embarrassed. It’s the same feeling I would get when people would read what I wrote in their yearbooks in front of me, out loud. It also at this point when the man stops and goes, “…I will always love, and I guess it’s pronounced, Ma-Why-Uh?”. And I am on the other line going, yep Mawiah. Thank you! (aka get me off the phone). And he is like, “Welp. That was weird. Have a good day!” click.

I die.

Welp, that was weird!

Also just a little behind the scenes action: The first time I met Clayton I was visiting Avalon and we watched a Barbara Walters (Baba Wawa) special with Mariah Carey (Mawiah Cawey). The whole entire segment was hysterical. We still quote it. “Mawiah, you awre a suhvivah”, “Mawiah, is it twue youwr sista was a pwostitute?”. We die. Seriously.

Anyways, needless to say it was the BEST Valentine’s Day Ever! Clayton will forever be my David. And I will forever be his mom. (creepy? no). Probably one of the best parts of this WHOLE situation, is that fact that David’s mom got that card. And is reading and thinking, is my son gay? Who is Mawiah? My eyes aren’t blue!

Loves you Clayton!

-Mom (aka T)

Not Enough Bieber: A Grammy Recap

Hello My Little Worker Bees,

In case you were living under a rock [or out to eat like Taryn], I will grace you with a little Grammys recap. I know you really care, and you couldn’t possibly have read about it by now from any other source. You’re welcome.

Let me start by saying that the Grammys are doing for awards what MTV did for music. Revolutionary at first, irrelevant now. I think I saw maybe 4 awards given away. At an award show. Aside from this GLARING issue, the “award” show was a decently enjoyable way to waste my entire Sunday evening.

The show began with a little Aretha Franklin tribute by Jennifer Hudson, Florence from Florence and the Machine, Martina McBride, Christina Aguilera, and Yolanda Adams. So… I’m not going to say Florence stuck out like a sore thumb but…she should be happy Christina tripped and took the attention away from her. The tribute was nice, but Christina’s obvious impending pregnancy and Florence’s blinding pale skin was distracting.

After the tribute Ricky Martin spoke about something, I don’t remember what, but I do remember he is still hot.

Then came the most anticipated [for some] performance of the night. Lady Gaga. I was not impressed. I think her new song is mediocre, and if she released that instead of Just Dance as her first song ever, she would be lame and not popular by now. Does anyone hear a little of Madonna’s Vogue in this new song? Weird robot talking? Check. She came out on stage in an egg? Whatever. Her dance was lame, her ponytail was once again Madonna, and her face is scary. GASP! I might be over Gaga.

Then came Miranda Lambert’s performance. Kindaaaaaa boring. She sang The HouseThat Built Me, which is actually a really sweet song. She was introduced by her darling fellow country singer/ fiancée Blake Shelton, and that was kind of the highlight of her performance. She was a little nervous I think and maybe self conscious because her dress looked like liquid chocolate. In a not cute way. Is there a cute way? Regardless, she went on to win a Grammy for something.

With a few more dumb comments and probably no awards, Bruno Mars came out to perform with B.O.B. and that girl with the crazy hair. Bruno didn’t sound as amazing as he could, but the performance had a fun motown feel that was worth watching. He looks weird though. Just saying.

Then, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. The Biebs. Justin took the state with his mentor Usher and they both murdered the performance. Sometimes when someone says something was murdered they mean it in a good way, I do not. Dancing and singing can’t be easy, and Usher made that clear. Puberty can’t be easy, and Justin made that clear. Oh dear.

After J.Biebs performed there were some other random blurbs and probably no awards again. Mumford and Sons took the stage with the Avett Brothers, and they sounded amazing. Usually at shows like this, actual talent shines through while sucky talent is only amplified. I greatly enjoyed the performance, and then the brought Bob Dylan out. I mean I know he’s a legend and all…but give the guy a break. Let him enjoy retirement, the nursing home, his old age in peace.

Then magic happened. Cee-lo with some random puppets performed his amazing hit of the year, Forget You [yes, it was censored. This is national television people]. To my delight Gwyneth Paltrow came out to assist Mr. Cee-lo in a spandex Olivia Newton-Johnesque black body suit. She writhed around on the piano while Cee-lo played it in a bird costume. Yes, it was as ridiculous as it sounds. All of this ridiculousness however, made for one of the best performances of the evening. BRAVO. [see below for an awful recording of it]

Lady Antebellum SWEPT at this year’s awards, and I am less than pleased. The song they won for was “Need You Now“. I will wait as you click the link and say “Ohhhh right, that song”. Yes, I know! They one GRAMMYS for that shizz. This song is whiney and awful. I tried to like it so many times because that melody is so darn catchy, but the lyrics. UGH THE LYRICS. “It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk, and I need you now”. Seriously? Is that supposed to sound sweet or inviting? Despicable.

Eminem performed with Dr. Dre, Rihanna, Some Random Lady, and Adam Levine [I know], and I have to say it was the best performance of the night. Rap at award shows, or live ever, usually sounds awful and you are counting the seconds until it is over. This group of performers offered audiences a pleasant surprise with the clarity the performance conveyed as well as the showmanship. I know, I was surprised too.

Then Arcade Fire won the coveted album of the year. Yes, seriously. Who are they you ask? Youtube them, then get back to me. I am all for indie bands winning Grammys, in fact I support it, but I hate Arcade Fire. I’ve seen them perform and they look like kids I went to college with raving around the quad with their vintage [see: Urban Outfitters] garb and their dad’s guitar [see: bought it brand new with dad’s money]. They all wear headbands incorrectly, and scream into microphones. I was displeased.

There you have it folks, my unnecessary, incomplete, biased recap of the Grammys. Four days later.

-A