Lent: A Hypothetical

As I am sure you are fully aware [or not], Lent began yesterday on Ash Wednesday [duh]. My parents grew up very very Catholic and brought us up half-ass Catholic bordering on who-cares. We celebrate Christmas with presents and mass, Easter with candy, and Ash Wednesday with…well… no recognition whatsoever.

In the forty days between Ash Wednesday and Easter a good Catholic decides on a unnecessary/extravagant part of their life they could probably do without, i.e. bacon. The idea is a fast or a sacrifice to prepare spiritually for Easter. So I should be preparing spiritually for eating too much candy my mother still buys me even though I am twenty-three years old.

Not a big deal.

But I digress. The purpose of this post is so I can divulge my hypothetical lent possibilities. Things I would sacrifice for 40 days if I were better at my religion:

#1. Girl Scout cookies:

Seriously. I need to stop. Or I need an intervention. Yesterday I think I ate 11 girl scout cookies. I wish I was lying. I ate them spread out throughout the day so I could easily lie to myself and pretend I only had two. Sadly, not the case. It is so hard to not eat the Thin Mints calling my name from the freezer. Yes, TRY THEM FROZEN.

#2. Snacking:

If snacking were an occupation, I would be a CEO. I eat breakfast, drive to work, and immediately need a snack. I eat something every 2 hours at work so I don’t die. I go home and eat a snack while I am making dinner [lots of snacks mixed together]. I love snacks. It is amazing that I am not a million pounds.

#3. Facebook:

I am the worst Facebook user on the face of the planet. I have like 2 pictures, no wall, and I am impossible to search for. I login and I just stare at my news feed. Over time I have ‘hid’ all the people on my news feed that annoy me. This annoy list ranges from my cousin [because he’s related to me] all the way to some random guy I only met once on vacation [because he keeps promoting night clubs]. Because I have ‘hid’ so many people, there are only around 4 left to even see on my actual news feed. Basically Facebook is now pointless for me, yet somehow it is still sucking my brain out daily.

#4. Television:

I watch AWFUL television. To my defense I do watch a few recognized and acclaimed shows like Big Love, Dexter, and The Office. To my downfall, I will admit that I also watch all the Real Housewives, Jersey Shore, and Grey’s Anatomy [STILL! I know, it isn’t even good anymore….]. I’m sure my mind could really use a good television cleanse…

#5. Shopping:

I love to shop. I sit at a computer for eight hours a day, and online shopping has become a bit of a problem. Last week I bought two new books, a craft hole puncher, and striped bakers twine. I know. All necessities. My account would love if I decided to give up shopping for 40 days. Sadly, that’s not going to happen.

And there you have it folks, my hypothetical Lent list. Sadly I ate a cookie for breakfast, I packed a lunch bag full of snacks, I’ve already logged on to Facebook today, I watched Ellen this morning, and I have 2 items in my Amazon.com shopping cart.

Le Sigh.

-A

Advertisements

Crazy Exes are What We Have in Common

After indulging in Taryn’s crazy ex post, I have to say I was inspired. Now while her ex is loony toons, I have an ex who is BAT SHIT CRAZY. So crazy in fact, that he will probably read this post and add to the voodoo doll of me he has undoubtedly made and hid under his crazy pills under his bed. I can’t even begin to tell you all the crazy things my ex did. As I am writing this a thousand examples are running through my brain, and all I can do is just laugh.

One time he threatened to kill someone with his penis.

He wanted to beat up my good friend because the friend said he “dressed gay”.

He magically got poison ivy on his genitals.

And on his hands…

He split his head open while in the bathroom, dragged everyone and their mother to the ER with him, and they gave him a band aid.

No matter how many times I told him, he insisted beautiful was in fact spelled beutiful. And Xylophone was spelled with a Z. Perhaps he skipped kindergarten.

Hoping to break up a BEAUTIFUL relationship he tried to pin Taryn and I against each other, which could NEVER happen. We’re soulmates.

Then we broke up, and the crazy dragon was unleashed. I got drunk calls, sad calls, booty calls, you name it. I got called names followed by pleas of reuniting, followed by hook up propositions just in case I lost my mind as well.

I got unfriended, refriended, blocked, unblocked, harassed, all through facebook (yes, facebook is the culprit here). I dealt with it all because I am a firm believer of trying to maintain civil relations with ex’s. There was obviously something once worthwhile in an ex, so they don’t need to be run over just because you broke up. Obviously this particular ex was making it difficult to avoid vehicular manslaughter.

Literally 3 years after I broke his achy breaky heart I get a phone call at 7 in the morning. OBVIOUSLY I don’t answer, but I’m irritated, because I wake up at 8 and nothing is more irritating than being woken up right before you have to get up.

So I maturely text him:

“I thought we were done with the drunk dials”

And I get back, so eloquently and full of intelligence:

“Hahh I’m not drunk. I’m in the airport and wanted to catch up. WAnna tlk?”

WHAT?! At 7 in the morning!?

Exactly. Crazy. High five Taryn, we escaped. Let’s change our phone numbers?

-A