Start Unzipping, Parker. Straight…in Diamonds.

If we recall, I love games (see: I kicked my co workers butt at Skeeball). So any time a game or tournament arises, I will most likely be intrigued/want to DOMINATE.

Well, it has come to my attention that tomorrow (yes the day after TODAY) I will be in a poker tournament of a CLIENTS for WORK.



I know two things about poker- it uses the whole deck (52 cards?) and there are certain hands to attain that sound an awful like terms in Yahtzee.


Google is not teaching me fast enough! Now all the pressure is on me to just simply NOT LOOK DUMB.

Ugh, I can see it now. Me. Crying in humiliation. Mascara running down my cheeks. Overturning tables on my way out. Poker chips and cards flying everywhere. Me breaking a heel because I thought I could kick a table over…

Actually, the only thing that would most likely is me crying…but probably in the bathroom of the tournament place (Casino?). I am not too proud to have a prom night cry fest in the bathroom.

I just hope my inner competitiveness doesn’t come out. Considering my past experiences with losing, I don’t handle it well. Now, I am not a sore loser or anything. But if you rub it in my face and act like a know-it-all, I WILL CALL YOU OUT AND BE A HUGE BI-ATCH. I don’t apologize either; your tears won’t make me feel bad.

That whole paragraph wreaks of the A-word….(no, not awful) Awesome.

Nonetheless, while I was thinking about me actually playing poker (aka sweating my ass off cause I am nervous) I thought about one thing…The Parent Trap. So I leave you all with a super awesome movie, that we all know and love. Also starring one of the most honorable woman of our time, Lindsay Lohan. They grow up so fast, don’t they?!


PS. Lindsay Lohan and I share the same birthday. Thats only thing we have in common…besides my constant drug busts, nbd.


Manic Mondays (Tuesday?), Going the Distance and general Haterade

Well after a long weekend, Tuesday feels like the devil’s work. In theory a long weekend should make you feel well rested and prepared to conquer the dreaded work week. For me the long weekend never exists [I work on Saturdays], but I find that my coworkers and other worker bees are the opposite of well rested. They are a bunch of grumpasauruses that are exhausted from a weekend filled to the brim with activities and excitement they were not accustomed to [see: hungover]. Long weekends usually result in a panic and scurry for the remainder of the work week – I do not like stress. Not enough has been completed, paper work is unfiled, etc etc. Basically I’m bitter because I didn’t get a long weekend, so suck it.

Moving on…

My dear friend Sarah is in a long distance relationship, and we all know that those are hard. I suffered through a long distance relationship and aside from the general heinous attitude of my then-boyfriend it was still awful. I feel for her, so I joined her in seeing the new chicky flick Going the Distance. Now I love chick flicks just as much as the next girl but to me this one looked awful. I effing cannot stand Drew Barrymore and like I said – long distance relationships are painful – why would I want to pay to watch 2 hours of pain? Due to Sarah’s situation I put my qualms aside and hopped on the Barrymore Train…You know what?

It was SURPRISINGLY enjoyable! It was a refreshing portrayal of our generation-ish [I mean, I’m not thirty], and it was actually hilarious. There were a number of crude and terrible jokes, which I love because I am a 14 year old boy [SURPRISE!].

Drew Barrymore was awful, obviously, but Justin Long is SO FUNNY! The supporting cast is really what brought it home for me. Christina Applegate, Jim Gaffigan, A guy from Always Sunny, and one of those guys from SNL really made it worth watching. Their side comments and the onscreen pooping with the door open [what, you’re above poop jokes?] invoke laughs all over the place.

While getting tickets for the movie, my friends and I were behind a guy and his date purchasing tickets for the same movie. We snickered and made fun of him, but in the end we were the fools. It is a perfect date movie because its funny, and gross, and a tiny bit romantic. If you can stomach watching D. Barrymore’s face for 2 hours and you aren’t into seeing Lindsay Lohan’s Tatas [AGAIN] in Machete then I recommend it.

Alright, the moment you’ve all been waiting for… HATERADE.

This is the part where I sound like such a bitch you will never want to read this blog again.

Things I Hate: Weekend edition.

#1. I hate college students. Yes, I am fully aware that a mere 3 seconds ago I was a college student. I hated them then too. Born and raised in a college town I despise the flood of irresponsible hooligans invading my space, my parking, and my restaurants. My young partying neighbors were so loud and bro-like this weekend I considered calling the cops.

Yup. Calling the cops.

Somewhere between 3 seconds ago and now I aged 20 years. I am a party pooper and if you are chugging beer so loudly I can barely hear my movie on a Saturday night, I’m calling the cops on you. Also if you wear sweatpants in public, I’m the bitch standing behind you at Panera loudly talking shit. If you’re a girl and wearing heels and a shirt as a dress out to a bar in our small country town, I’m judging you. I hate students.

#2. I hate guys at bars.

Yup. That’s all.

In conclusion, I never got a 3 day weekend, Drew Barrymore didn’t ruin her movie, and college students are an embarrassment.