And I guess it’s pronouced, Ma-Why-Uh?

Yesterday I did not have internet connection. It was terriboo (said in British accent. It’s fun. Try it).  I had my whole day planned..I was going to work for a bit, get my Glee on, work a little more, then watch more Glee. It was going to be spectacular! Then at around 11:01, my day came crumbling down. True I got to go to Panera, where I received a free cup of soup (I know, always a silver lining), but still. Even if I was a good worker and didn’t use internet as a work distraction, I needed my work email! I am a VIP in the accounting world. Really. Ha, not. Regardless. I am baaaaack! My Mozilla is fired up and making moves. Loves it.

So I know I already had a Valentine’s Day post, but I felt the need to make ANOTHER. And this post I’d like to dedicate it to a beloved friend of both Avalon and I. That person would be our resident gay, who goes by the name of Clayton. Errrr I mean, David. Oh, confused are we? Let me take y’all back to a mere 368 days ago (February 14, 2010 for those of us who haven’t had our caffeine kick in yet).

It was a brisk (I don’t actually remember the temp) morning in Florida, when Kasey and I heard someone at the door. We OBVIOUSLY didn’t answer, because we both had our pajamas still on and didn’t feel like talking to people. So we muted the tv (we’re crazy) and waited til they were gone to run to the window and see who it was. And, LO AND BEHOLD, it was 1-800-Flowers.

Uhm. We both were single and had zero prospects. Well, I shouldn’t say that. I am sure we had a few prospects, but they wouldn’t have had the balls (sorry mom) to send us flowers. So we got the flowers and they were addressed to yours truly. My first thought was, oh it’s from my mom! To which Kasey was like, uhm hi I would’ve gotten some too. I was wracking my head trying think…Avalon? Mike (ex, ew)? The list stopped there, because there honestly was no reason for anyone else to send me flowers.

So then Kasey and I put our heads together to try and figure it out. We came up with…OPEN THE BOX/CARD. That’s right. We hadn’t even done that yet. We really are smart, I promise.

We then open the box to find a BEAUTIFUL bouquet of red roses. They were lovely. And I was really fascinated with 1-800-Flowers, since my flowers weren’t even a little bit dead looking. ANYWAYS. Open up the card and it says, and I quote, ” Dear Mom, Happy Valentines Day. Love, David”.

Uhm. Okay?

Not only am I NOT a mom, but I wouldn’t name my child David.

So since the whole “open-the-box-and-see-who-they’re-from-idea” was a waste (not to mention, I am now worried that I didn’t get flowers and they were delivered to the wrong house ) I am back at square one. Quick side note: the wrong delivery thing could have actually happened, because my next door neighbor has a son named David… I was seriously so confused. I thought about waltzing over to my neighbors house (awkward, thank goodness I didn’t). The only thing stopping me was that on the box it had MY NAME, and MY ADDRESS, and MY CELL PHONE. So I am like, IT OBVIOUSLY IS FOR ME.

So I then call my mom. She has no idea what is going on. So my next thought is Avalon, who is at work. I call, tell her my dilemma. And she is like, it was Clayton!

Pfew! Everything is now making sense! A part of me was somehow relived there wasn’t some secret admirer I had out in the world. Creepy.

After the “mystery” is solved, I call up my mom to tell her I figured it out and she is all like, That is so nice! Ya know you should call 1-800-Flowers and tell them they messed up. Clayton paid money for it to be right. Try and get free flowers!

My mom is actually the best type of consumer out there…she tells you when you mess up, and doesn’t bad mouth the company. AND WILL ALWAYS try and get something for free in return ha. Love it. She called and got me a free Line Jumper pass for Disney. Hells yes.

Anyways, I do as I am told and call 1-800-Flowers. A nice young man answers the phone (which I was surprised considering it’s Valentines Day. I assumed I’d be on hold forever). I tell him what happened and prefaced it with, BUT I KNOW WHO SENT IT SO DON’T FEEL BAD. I mainly wanted to call to let David and his mom (who?) know there was a mix up. The man was really nice and we were about to get off the phone when he is like, oh would you like to know what YOUR card said? So I was like, oh. SURE!

This is the part of the story that kills me. Everytime. (And I do apologize, I don’t remember it word for word. I didn’t have time to take it all in, out of sheer embarrassment)

The man starts out, “My dearest Taryn…. You are so beautiful (that might’ve been made up, bahaha). Whenever I look into your eyes, it is like looking into the ocean. I hate that one day your heart will break when you see me walking hand and hand with another man. I will always love you” and at this point I am laughing and crying and embarrassed. Idk why I was embarrassed. It’s the same feeling I would get when people would read what I wrote in their yearbooks in front of me, out loud. It also at this point when the man stops and goes, “…I will always love, and I guess it’s pronounced, Ma-Why-Uh?”. And I am on the other line going, yep Mawiah. Thank you! (aka get me off the phone). And he is like, “Welp. That was weird. Have a good day!” click.

I die.

Welp, that was weird!

Also just a little behind the scenes action: The first time I met Clayton I was visiting Avalon and we watched a Barbara Walters (Baba Wawa) special with Mariah Carey (Mawiah Cawey). The whole entire segment was hysterical. We still quote it. “Mawiah, you awre a suhvivah”, “Mawiah, is it twue youwr sista was a pwostitute?”. We die. Seriously.

Anyways, needless to say it was the BEST Valentine’s Day Ever! Clayton will forever be my David. And I will forever be his mom. (creepy? no). Probably one of the best parts of this WHOLE situation, is that fact that David’s mom got that card. And is reading and thinking, is my son gay? Who is Mawiah? My eyes aren’t blue!

Loves you Clayton!

-Mom (aka T)

My GBFF. My gay best friend. FO eva.

In light of all the hate and intolerance coming to the surface in the media, I decided it is time for a tribute post. The teen suicides of last week (and all time) are of great concern to me [AND HOPEFULLY THE ENTIRE COUNTRY]. It is DEPLORABLE that while these suicides were being discussed in the media, a handful of public and political figures used their long reaches to spread hate and intolerance.  New York Republican gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino went so far as to say that children shouldn’t be brainwashed into viewing homosexuality as acceptable. That’s right. Brainwashed. Because ALL children grow up to have EXACTLY the same views as their parents. Just ask Dick Cheney’s daughter, Mary Cheney.

It is revolting to me that while children in our country are taking their own lives; hateful public figures are essentially validating their reckless and tragic decisions.  It is equally unacceptable that some of the public and political figures who do stand for LGBT rights are staying silent on this issue. I applaud those celebrities who spoke out with the “It Gets Better Campaign” by the Trevor Project, however I would love to see some state representatives get involved.

But I digress.

While Taryn is my soulmate, Clayton is my gay best friend. We’ve been friends since the third grade when I had a braid down to my butt and he owned on the soccer field. We grew up together and persevered through fights, issues at home, and my bossiness. In elementary school we sang Destiny’s Child together, scoffed at the sixth grade musical, and formed a killer recess basketball team. In middle school we teamed up to give English teachers of all forms hell with our articulate and inappropriate conversations. In high school Clayton came out, and I was mad he didn’t tell me sooner, who knew I had a gay best friend in elementary school! In college we visited in Boston and in Amherst, always spending too much at dinner and watching horrible chick flicks. Here we are today, suddenly adults, and I appreciate him more than I ever could explain.

Clayton was there for me when I was bullied in elementary school (that’s a joke). He was there for me when I had secrets to be kept in middle school (also a joke). But in all seriousness, he was the one there for my first heartbreak. I called him sobbing (which was traumatizing for him, I don’t ever cry). Like the true friend he is, the next day the ex got kicked in the hallway. Yes, kicked.

Clayton was there for me through the aforementioned heartbreak, an abusive relationship, my family falling apart, and many other scary situations. He never judged me and always drove to me to get a milkshake when I needed one.

Clayton and I have been talking about our weddings since before we were even old enough to be legally wed. We have very different ideas, but we are both excited and determined to have beautiful weddings to remember. Now that I am engaged, Clayton is staying true to his nature listening to my every concern from drunken relatives to napkin holders. It is UNFATHOMABLE that if we lived just one state over, Clayton would be legally deprived of the childhood dreams we spent hours conceiving.

Clayton deserves all the ingredients of a happy life and more. He has worked hard his whole life just maintain sanity and keep that dimpled smile on his face. While I appreciate the shopping trip, endless phone calls, and horrible movies, I appreciate his perseverance most of all.

Where would I be without my gay best friend? My clothes would be ugly, my life less enjoyable, and my confidence less present. Clayton pushed me to pursue my now fiancé, without Clayton, I wouldn’t be engaged. Without Clayton, I wouldn’t be who I am today. As sappy as that is, it’s true.

“The worst form of inequality is to try to make unequal things equal.” –Aristotle.

-A

Look me in the Eyeball

And now for a little segment called:

HILARIOUS LYRICS WE LISTEN TO ER’RY DAY

I am one of those annoying people who answers “everything” to the classic conversation killer “what kind of music do you listen to”. Everything is a slight exaggeration. But I listen to country music, underground hip hop, crappy radio, jazz, musicals…the list actually does go on. But no one cares what I listen to. In reality, we all listen to horrible music that we are ashamed of [except for Taryn, she is not ashamed]. We all bop our heads to the crap on the radio, and we all bustamove to Akon on the dance floor. But in all seriousness, does anyone actually LISTEN to these lyrics!? I was in the car driving to the gym [see: Taco Bell] and I was actually listening to the lyrics on the radio and I was astounded by one song in particular. I began listening to the lyrics in all songs, and let me tell you, it is more than comical.

Five hilarious lyrics for your entertainment.

#1. “Ok first things first I’ll eat your brains” – Monster Nicki Minaj

Now this was the first lyric that really caught my attention. I’m sorry Ms. Minaj, did you say you’re going to EAT MY BRAINS?! Well, I don’t know about you, but the threat of eaten brains really makes me want to buy her CD [does she even have a CD? Do people even buy CDs anymore?].

#2. “When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard, Sippin sizzurp in my ride” – Fly Like a G6, Far East Movement

Do you need me to translate this sentence because there are a few non-words in it? Okay. I honestly have no idea what ‘getting slizzard’ means, but in context I can only guess it’s getting drunk. The best part of this lyric is ‘sippin Sizzurp’. Now for those of you who don’t know what Sizzurp is, I shall explain. Also known as Purple Drank, Sizzurp is cough syrup, soda, and a jolly rancher mixed together, and you drink it. Recreationally. To get slizzard, probably. Famous rappers LOVE Sizzurp. T.I. just got arrested for ecstasy, and Sizzurp, obviously. But I digress. [Side note: even if I were dying, you couldn’t get me to drink cough syrup. It’s gross.]

#3.” And now we lookin’ like pimps, In my gold Trans-Am. Got a water bottle full of whiskey in my handbag.” – Take it Off, Kesha.

This is funny simply because it’s contradictory. If you were indeed looking like pimps as you say dear Kesha, then why pray tell, do you keep whiskey in a water bottle?

#4.”Get it baby, hope you catch it like T.O. , that’s how we roll. My life is a movie, and you just Tivo” –Dj Got us Fallin in Love, Pitbull on Usher’s song.

So. Where to even begin with this. What are we catching Pitbull? If it’s like T.O. then are we playing football? Also, wouldn’t you rather a Tivo life over a movie? Tivo you can pause, rewind, etc. A movie just plays right through [in the theater…]. Pitbull, I don’t think you put very much thought into your lyrics. Maybe rap in Spanish again. That was fun.

#5. And finally, shout out to Clayton…

“Seein’ right through you like you bathin’ in Windex” – Obsessed, Mariah Carey.

Does she think she’s clever? We all know she didn’t come up with that line because let’s face it, she’s crazy. Yes she was amazing circa Vision of Love, but she is now married to Nick Cannon and wearing the same clothes she used to fit into 15 years ago. No offense Mimi, but you’re cray-see. [Side note: dressing up as a dude in your video? Oh no, totally not crazy]

Have a wonderful weekend y’all [BAHAH Taryn says that in real life].

-A