Hi.
I love avoiding people. You might assume that this fact is because I am a snob or a huge bitch when in fact it is really just because I am HORRIBLY AWKWARD. I run into people I know and I immediately have nothing to say. I resort to laughing awkwardly or making fun of them [maybe I am a huge bitch?] and I’m pretty sure they are silently regretting talking to me and making a mental note to never run into me ever again. When this awkwardness happened, I am not quite sure. I used to be very social and extremely fun to be around [probably not], and then suddenly I am like a hermit crab with diarrhea of the mouth. Gross.
Let me break it down for you.
Here are actual quotes from awful interactions:
“So. What’s up? Besides growing a beard.”
“I’m glad your new girlfriend is nice, the last one was awful. And Asian?”
“Living at home? You mean living the dream?”
“Oh what’s up with me? Oh nothing, I just hang out with my cat.”
And now for a pictorial montage of my avoidance.
1. The Cover-My-Face tactic. I do this often, and as you can see it is only semi-effective. If I don’t want to be having a conversation or I feel awkward, I just cover my face. The male pictured caressed my face the first time I met him. In this photo I was just protecting my poor face from a repeat offense.
2. The I-Whip-My-Hair-Back-And-Forth. This trick, similar to sunglasses, allows the user to hide behind a wall. My long very dark hair provides a shield, a veil if you will, between myself and whoever might be lurking on the other side.
3. The disguise. This genius avoidance tactic is flawless. If you are wearing a costume, no one will know who you are. BAM.
4. The Hide-In-A-Model-Train-Mountain. In this photo I am hiding in a model train mountain.
Yes. I am crazy.
So as I have mentioned maybe a thousand times, I still live in my hometown. I am in love with my hometown, but I kinda feel like maybe I need some new people in it. Like all new people.
I see people I went to high school every where [similar to poor Haley Joel Osment and his dead people]. I most often see them at the gym, just to add insult to injury. I hate going to the gym as is, and I am always instantly drenched in sweat as soon as I walk through the Judgement Free doors. My sweaty self does not want to see any semblance of an acquaintance while it is so shiny, so I had to come up with some new techniques.
1.Technology
Bring as many devices into the gym as possible to act as distractions during machine to machine transitions.
2. Watch Something Intense
If you are watching a basketball game or the news, people will assume you are invested. Skip the Hills reruns.
3. Forget to Wear a Watch
If you are caught noticing someone, squint past them into the distance, there will for sure be a clock on the wall somewhere.
4. Never Ever Take Out Your Earbuds
Self explanatory.
And there you have it.
I swear I’m not crazy. I’m not avoiding people, I am just avoiding unloading a whole truck of awkward sauce onto innocent bystanders.
-A