Things That Don’t Matter

Hello friends,

I feel like all I’ve been doing lately is apologizing for being the crap end of this relationship. I’M SORRY.

I have been HELLA [awful] busy, and I’m just trying to balance everything out. However, today in an effort to forget all things I should be doing [planning a wedding, finding a place to live, working…] I am going to tell you about two things that are bothering me.

#1. Josh Duhamel and Fergie Ferg.

Okay. I know they’ve been married for a couple of years by now, but I’m still very against this union. I saw J. Duh on Ellen this morning and he is so dang adorable! He was born in North Dakota and went to school to be a dentist [adorable]. Currently he is organizing a charity for Japan that involves running and people giving money. Adorable. Personable. Great. It may be also worth noting that he was in Win a Date with Tad Hamilton.  While I don’t really remember this movie, I am sure that he was great in it and only outshined a tiny bit by Topher Grace.

Now. Fergie? She was addicted to Meth. In her wikipedia it states she used HYPNOTHERAPY to kick the habit. Um. Seriously Fergie? Meth is disgusting, and while I applaud your ability to beat the statistics and kick your serious addiction, I feel like maybe you and Josh aren’t cut out for each other. I am an expert on celebrity couples, after all.

#2.

Sigh.

This one really hurts my soul.

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THEY ARE DATING.

I know, my heart is broken too. Apparently this guy’s name is Michael Sheen and he is from London. Or Ireland. Or something. He was in movies like Frost/Nixon and The Queen and I Ruined Avalon’s Fantasy Couple.

I need Ryan and Rachel back together. I may have mentioned it a few times, but seriously when this couple broke up it hurt my heart. They were so amazing together, and it was like a living fairytale after they did the notebook.

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I know, how perfect.

And then just in case I haven’t plunged the knife deep enough into your chest….

Yeah. WHAT HAPPENED.

Please get back together. Kthanks.

That’s all for now folks.

-A

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I am Eleven

Hello friends.

As a  preface to my story I will give you some stats about myself. I’m a small girl, maxing out at 5’1. I have kind of a child-like face and I often act like a child.

Alright, now that we have that out of the way…moving on.

My younger sister is still a child and her 6th grade class is trying to raise money for a lame-o trip to Boston. Some genius suggested they through a spaghetti dinner for the community, and ticket proceeds would go towards their day of frolicking.  Despite the fact that I hate spaghetti and small children serving me food, I made my way to her elementary school missing every minute of Friday Night Lights. I was welcomed by creepy children with painted on mustaches and black aprons galore. I was ushered to my table and given a menu. The elaborate menu looked something like this:

Spaghetti with sauce

Spaghetti with sauce and meatballs

Spaghetti with sauce and vegetarian meatballs.

OH THE CHOICES. After not choosing anything [my mom brought me my own dinner in a tupperware because I am a spoiled brat] I settled into my table and surroundings. I was sitting with two couples I’ve never seen before and I was trying to be pleasant. In true awkward form, I  started with an apology;

“Sorry I’m randomly sitting here, this is just my sister’s table and I want to heckle her”

All true, still awkward. The gentleman sitting across the table from me looked at me kindly and asked;

“Oh that’s quite alright. So are you over there at the Middle School?”

Yup. This guy just asked me if I was twelve. He was only about eleven years off. Like the polite, tactful lady I am I responded;

“Well. Not only am I not in middle school, I graduated that place, high school AND COLLEGE. I’m also getting married in August.” BURN.

The man just stared at me in disbelief. Literal disbelief. He wasn’t sure if he could accept the fact that this small girl he assumed was only a child was in fact old enough to hit on. Which he then did.

FML.

-A

Bowling SUCKS

Hello faithful friends.

Today I found myself sitting at work, not doing any work [this is normal], and reading PerezHilton.com [also normal]. One of his entries today represented a little photo journalism covering the date between Vanessa Hudgens and Josh Hutchenson or whatever, who cares, no one knows who he is. After seeing this ridiculous post I began to wonder a la Carrie Bradshaw why famous people go bowling. Is it an attempt to bring them back to a simpler time when they couldn’t just fly to another country when they were bored? Are they forgetting that they probably in fact have their own bowling alley in their basement that they haven’t found yet because their house is so massive?

Regardless of their reasoning, they are unaware or possibly forgetting that bowling sucks. IT SUCKS. In case you need some convincing, I’ve laid it all out for you. In list form, obviously.

#1. It seems so easy, yet it is not. You watch people do it, roll a round ball, down a straight alley, knock down pins. Easy enough right? WRONG. IF IT WERE EASY, THERE WOULDN’T BE LEAGUES. Bowling is NOT easy, and the fact that it isn’t is the main reason why it sucks so badly. Bowling should be, by all reasoning easy, so when finds that they ended a game with a score of 75/300 it is extremely frustrating.

#2. Bowling is gross. The shoes, the balls, disgusting. Once in your RENTED bowling shoes your feet immediately start sweating through your socks, allowing a conductor [sweat] to transfer all germs in the shoe onto your feet. The holes in the balls [yup] have been touched my hundreds of people before you. There are probably colonies of bacteria living in bowling balls that haven’t even been discovered yet.

#3. It’s too easy to cheat. Any game that can be turned on its head by a few sly computer entries is flawed.

#4. Bowling injuries suck. Because you probably aren’t used to bowling, when you actually go you can bet your body hates you. Never does your body encourage you to throw 15 pound balls with one arm over and over again.

#5. Oh the Shame. Jim Gaffigan knows what I’m talking about, and he’s right. The absolute worst part about bowling is having to turn around after you just threw your ball into the next lane and face the semi-sympathetic faces of your friends. You’ll get a “good try!” or “you’ll nail it next time” when in reality you just want to spike the bowling ball on the ground and go get a drink.

Basically bowling sucks, but Vanessa Hudgens probably just thought bowling night would be a good addition to her weekly routine. You know, after Sneaker Night.

-A

You are KNOT Helpful

Oh the wonderful world of weddings.

Before I was engaged my friends and I [see: only Taryn] would scour TheKnot.com and sigh with frustration each time a section was blocked until we signed up. Obviously we couldn’t sign up because neither of us were engaged, and we can only handle creepy to a point.

The day after I got engaged I hopped on a computer and FINALLY signed up for TheKnot.com. I was so excited to have full access to all the information I’d been previously blocked from as well as belong to my new community of knotties! [Yup. That’s what they call themselves.]

I’m not really sure who I was trying to kid here, but I pretty much hate all brides-to-be. One would think that after countless episodes of Say Yes to the Dress and Four Weddings I would have some sort of idea that almost every aspect of the bridal community makes me want to rip my hair out. But no, I still needed this obviousness to slap me in the face.

I began to search the boards for answers to all of my important questions [where are you buying invites, how many items are you registering for, what are the Corinthians, etc] when it began to really sink in that these women were awful. They are rude to each other, and apparently they all consider themselves experts on ettiquette and manors…as they misspell their signatures with obnoxious things like ~*~*~sooo ecited sOoN tO bE mRs. JoHnSoN~*~*~*.

This morning I went to the post office to weigh a completed wedding invitation to see if I made the cut and could slap a 44cent stamp on those hos. A postman sullenly barked “64 cents” to my tear-strewn face, and I dramatically stumbled out of the post office. Where does one even buy 64 cent stamps?! I logged on to the USPS website and found some heinous stamps I could purchase, but if I am going to spend almost a dollar [yes, 64 cents is almost a dollar] on a stamp I want it to be GORGEOUS.  In my despair, I decided to give the awful knotland one more chance to actually assist me in one teeny tiny way. I went to the wedding month boards and posted a question on August 2011 that went a little something like this:

“Hey Ladies! [I feign niceness to make up for everyone being so blatantly awful]
I know postage is changing over to the higher price tomorrow…ugh! I went to the post office today to weigh my invites, and unfortunately I’m going to need 64 cent stamps…It’s going to cost a fortune. Is anyone else experiencing bulky invites? Where are you buying your stamps?”

Annnd this is the response I got:

“im buying my postage at my post ofce lol. im marrying a postal worker so ive known about the upage for awhile now”

Okay.

#1. Can you read?

#2. Yes. Obviously you can buy stamps at a post office. I WAS JUST THERE. Again, can you read?

#3. THANK YOU for telling me how long you have known about the postage price rising, that really helps all of the people who need to send out invitations after TOMORROW.

#4. Upage? Not a word. Can you read?

Theknot.com is awful. In the off chance that anyone reading this blog is also getting married or is obsessed with weddings, let me help you out. MONTHS of research have showed me the helpful websites:

The Broke-Ass Bride – a great name, a great sense of humor, and a great resource.

Martha Stewart Weddings – I love Martha. Who doesn’t. She lays down the law on how to getting all things wedding done.

The Budget Savvy Bride – another money saver full of great tips and a fun read.

Have a ball.

-A

Ps. Oh you want to know how much it’s going to cost to mail out invitations??!

85 invites x$0.64+85 rsvp cards x $0.44 = $91.80.  Yup. Almost a hundred dollars.

When You Live in New England….

Hello friends!

As I have mentioned many a time I live in the bitter cold that is New England. I realize that I have nothing on Michigan or say, Antarctica, but I still feel the need to complain and let you how I feel. This awful weather provided me with a mountain of snow around two stories tall right outside my huge office window. Every day this winter I stared out the window into the snowy white abyss, wondering if the days of sunshine would ever come.

Finally, oh finally, it is Spring! Spring has sprung, and I am rolling around on the flourishing ground. Not really, but I am running around snapping pictures of small blades of new grass and barely-there crocuses.  I’ve taken my flats out from storage and started wearing lighter jackets in an attempt to trick my brain and the universe into feeling a little bit warmer.

Little did I know when I woke up this morning and checked the weather, that all my preparation was in vain.

Yup.

Awesome.

-A

Not Enough Bieber: A Grammy Recap

Hello My Little Worker Bees,

In case you were living under a rock [or out to eat like Taryn], I will grace you with a little Grammys recap. I know you really care, and you couldn’t possibly have read about it by now from any other source. You’re welcome.

Let me start by saying that the Grammys are doing for awards what MTV did for music. Revolutionary at first, irrelevant now. I think I saw maybe 4 awards given away. At an award show. Aside from this GLARING issue, the “award” show was a decently enjoyable way to waste my entire Sunday evening.

The show began with a little Aretha Franklin tribute by Jennifer Hudson, Florence from Florence and the Machine, Martina McBride, Christina Aguilera, and Yolanda Adams. So… I’m not going to say Florence stuck out like a sore thumb but…she should be happy Christina tripped and took the attention away from her. The tribute was nice, but Christina’s obvious impending pregnancy and Florence’s blinding pale skin was distracting.

After the tribute Ricky Martin spoke about something, I don’t remember what, but I do remember he is still hot.

Then came the most anticipated [for some] performance of the night. Lady Gaga. I was not impressed. I think her new song is mediocre, and if she released that instead of Just Dance as her first song ever, she would be lame and not popular by now. Does anyone hear a little of Madonna’s Vogue in this new song? Weird robot talking? Check. She came out on stage in an egg? Whatever. Her dance was lame, her ponytail was once again Madonna, and her face is scary. GASP! I might be over Gaga.

Then came Miranda Lambert’s performance. Kindaaaaaa boring. She sang The HouseThat Built Me, which is actually a really sweet song. She was introduced by her darling fellow country singer/ fiancée Blake Shelton, and that was kind of the highlight of her performance. She was a little nervous I think and maybe self conscious because her dress looked like liquid chocolate. In a not cute way. Is there a cute way? Regardless, she went on to win a Grammy for something.

With a few more dumb comments and probably no awards, Bruno Mars came out to perform with B.O.B. and that girl with the crazy hair. Bruno didn’t sound as amazing as he could, but the performance had a fun motown feel that was worth watching. He looks weird though. Just saying.

Then, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. The Biebs. Justin took the state with his mentor Usher and they both murdered the performance. Sometimes when someone says something was murdered they mean it in a good way, I do not. Dancing and singing can’t be easy, and Usher made that clear. Puberty can’t be easy, and Justin made that clear. Oh dear.

After J.Biebs performed there were some other random blurbs and probably no awards again. Mumford and Sons took the stage with the Avett Brothers, and they sounded amazing. Usually at shows like this, actual talent shines through while sucky talent is only amplified. I greatly enjoyed the performance, and then the brought Bob Dylan out. I mean I know he’s a legend and all…but give the guy a break. Let him enjoy retirement, the nursing home, his old age in peace.

Then magic happened. Cee-lo with some random puppets performed his amazing hit of the year, Forget You [yes, it was censored. This is national television people]. To my delight Gwyneth Paltrow came out to assist Mr. Cee-lo in a spandex Olivia Newton-Johnesque black body suit. She writhed around on the piano while Cee-lo played it in a bird costume. Yes, it was as ridiculous as it sounds. All of this ridiculousness however, made for one of the best performances of the evening. BRAVO. [see below for an awful recording of it]

Lady Antebellum SWEPT at this year’s awards, and I am less than pleased. The song they won for was “Need You Now“. I will wait as you click the link and say “Ohhhh right, that song”. Yes, I know! They one GRAMMYS for that shizz. This song is whiney and awful. I tried to like it so many times because that melody is so darn catchy, but the lyrics. UGH THE LYRICS. “It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk, and I need you now”. Seriously? Is that supposed to sound sweet or inviting? Despicable.

Eminem performed with Dr. Dre, Rihanna, Some Random Lady, and Adam Levine [I know], and I have to say it was the best performance of the night. Rap at award shows, or live ever, usually sounds awful and you are counting the seconds until it is over. This group of performers offered audiences a pleasant surprise with the clarity the performance conveyed as well as the showmanship. I know, I was surprised too.

Then Arcade Fire won the coveted album of the year. Yes, seriously. Who are they you ask? Youtube them, then get back to me. I am all for indie bands winning Grammys, in fact I support it, but I hate Arcade Fire. I’ve seen them perform and they look like kids I went to college with raving around the quad with their vintage [see: Urban Outfitters] garb and their dad’s guitar [see: bought it brand new with dad’s money]. They all wear headbands incorrectly, and scream into microphones. I was displeased.

There you have it folks, my unnecessary, incomplete, biased recap of the Grammys. Four days later.

-A

A Good Ol’ College Try

[Welcome back to blogging Taryn! We missed you]

 

Recently after watching the throngs of students pour into the streets after their winter break, I began reflecting on college and if I really missed it. I won’t lie to you, people irritate the hell out of me when they complain about missing college.

When I was in High School ‘adults’ would often tell me to enjoy, because I was experiencing the best days of my life. Really? The best days of my life consisted of strict parents and extreme angst 24/7? The best days of my life included soggy cafeteria french fries and the worst boyfriends of all time? Please.

Don’t get me wrong, I had a blast in high school. Some might say, I had too much fun. I crammed as much fun as possible given my age and my constant lock down into my four years. When I graduated however, I was excited for my life to finally begin.

When I started college ‘adults’ told me that I should live it up because I was about to experience the best four years of my life. Hold the phones, wasn’t that supposed to have happened already?  So now the best four years of my life consist of hours at the library and even worse food? I am supposed to live up four years of drunk girls and bros? Not necessarily my cup of tea. Once again don’t be fooled, I had a GREAT time in college. I packed in the fun and still managed to graduate in four years.

Since graduating in May I have heard the well worn phrase “I miss college so much” enough to fill a novel. Once again graduation was a transition I welcomed, eager to get on with my real life that FINALLY didn’t include school work.

Watching students dressed in hobo clothing however, made me realize there were things that I actually did miss about college.

[Do I sense a list coming on?]

1. Wearing whatever I want. I don’t have a dress code at work, but I try and look respectable most of the time. I was never a wear-sweatpants-to-class kinda girl, but I do miss a few choice wardrobe items. I miss wearing winter hats indoors, sweatshirts of all kinds, and shorts. Basically I never get to wear any of these items anymore because I spend the majority of my waking hours at work.

2. Taking days off. In college I could choose to take a personal day, and my repercussions were always minimal if existent at all. If I woke up feeling lazy [every day] or decided that I wanted to go sledding instead of take notes, I could make that choice and not lose a chunk of a pay check.

3. Staying up late. I used to me the craziest night owl. I would stay up until three in the morning regularly, maximizing my awake time to cram in all the fun. Sure I would be tired the next day, but I only had to sit through class so who cares. Now I have a job where I have to remember things, pay attention, and not look like the walking dead. Hello 11pm bed time.

4. Learning. UGH I KNOW SO LAME RIGHT. I think I am going to end up in graduate school, torturing myself yet again with homework.

5. I miss being able to go a whole day without talking to anyone. At my huge college it was easy to go to every class and not say a single word. Now I am almost customer service and I talk to people all day long. It can be awful.

There you have it. What I actually miss about college. And what would a love list be without a hate list?

What I don’t miss:

1. Homework

2. TA’s [Teaching Assistants. Literally the worst kind of people. In most cases. Shout out to Michella, best TA ever.]

3. College students

4. My awful eating habbits

5. Studying. I hate studying.

 

Do you miss college?

-A

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