Actually I’m a human, but I was raised by elves.

We all have heard of my darling momma. Much to her dismay, I am sure, this post is dedicated to her. Well it is dedicated to both my mom AND my dad.

I get an email from my mom the other day, that looks VERY SIMILAR (see: direct quotes) to this:

“Okay, some ideas for padre and madre

 Padre 
  1.  Thermos for work (tall,thin one not short fat) Walmart, Target, Publix, Walgreens…seriously many stores have them. Maybe even Big Lots!!!!
  2. Footie socks – nothing girlie! You could always stuff his thermos with socks!
  3. Candy
  4. Kris Kristofferson CD
  5. Whistle for kayak
  6. Reading glasses – like socks, nothing girlie. I think he would need the 1X magnification. Walgreens, Target…
 Madre – not from y’all, but you’ll need to help dad!
  1. Velour pants & zip jacket. NO NO NO to the following: light, baby anything colors, embellishments (rhinestones,beads…) any writing/name of athletic club or city. YES YES YES to dark colors – navy, brown, black. No hoodie on the jacket prefered, but will accept a hoodie.
  2. Long pants & long sleeve button-up pajama set – size S. I know you may be thinking…She wears a M…but please get a small. I will gladly return it for a larger size after trying it on myself. I don’t mind prints, plaids, or even solid colors. Unlike the velour outfit, I don’t mind the baby colors, although not really fond of lavender. If it’s a print, make sure it’s fun…no cats, lighthouses. If you would wear it, then I will like it. Please no satin. Flannel or cotton okay. If you can’t find button up, then a round-neck cotton shirt will be fine.”

 Everything about this email made me literally LOL.

First of all. My dad loves him some candy. That was NOT a joke on what to get him for Christmas. Get him a bag of Runts and he will be as giddy as a school girl…kind of. Awkward image.

Second of all. My mother is hilarious. She is a typical GIRL. I thought I was the only one who asked for a potentially smaller size, and then would take it back? No? Not just me? In my mom’s defense, she is a small on the bottoms. But much like Sofia Vergara (see Golden Globe post below), she is a medium top-if ya know what I mean.

Third of all. I wrote my mom back saying that I would be sure to tell dad, and this was her response:

” I just don’t want to sound biotchy (however you say it), but with dad I have to be specific, cause he tends to hear the things I don’t want. Seriously. If I verbally told him these and without y’alls help he would get me a baby blue rhinestoned out FUBU velour outfit! I would look like Beyonce’s twin!!.”

Oh. She went there.

Onto our Christmas Gift Ideas…I do believe we are onto Day 14. If not, please alert us ASAP. No need to get jipped here, folks!

Day 14: For those of you who aren’t provided with detailed lists/are a typical guy and can’t remember rhinestones are never really that cool on velour outfits

Pandora Jewelry, assorted errthaang (charms, bracelets, necklaces, rings YOU NAME IT)

Price: Under 100-MILLIONS (actually I don’t know the limit, but it can get pretty pricey)

Shop: Pandora, Kay Jewelers, Jared

Pandora charms and jewelry are a great way to say “I love you, but I really don’t know what velour means”. Women of all ages will love this. Whether its your grandma who likes bright colors (my gramma di- yes that’s her name), or the grandmother who like flashes of color but not jewelery (see: Pandora Brooches). Or perhaps you need that something special for you mom/wife/girlfriend! The wrap up the age spectrum going here, it’s a great starter charm bracelet for the teenagers and girls. There are so many different charms and beads to choose from, you are sure to find the perfect combination! Even if you still don’t know the right charms to buy, you can atleast buy the bracelet (or necklace or whatever) and bring that special someone to the store and have them pick out the charms! You’re the hero for buying the jewelry, and the hero for not picking out some ugly rhinestone studded velour suit. It’s win-win!

Oh. Btw. Bracelets/necklaces are one size fits all. So no harm, no foul on that potential train wreck!

-T

Bridezilla, say whaaat?!

If you all haven’t gotten the hint at her not-very-subtle attempts, Avalonasaurus is engaged! And yours truly is the MoH (Maid of Honor). But that’s besides the point (for now).

For about 3-6 business days, Avalon and I have been crazily tracking the bridesmaid dress, thanks to UPS.com. I saw the request leave Florida, then go to like KANSAS (what), then go to Jacksonville, then finally its final leg in the journey..my front door. Yep, yesterday we (well I) got the bridesmaid dress in the mail. I WAS SO EXCITED. I stripped off my work clothes and got in it and took the most horribly blurry picture to send to Avalon (I was so excited, did I say this?).

Anyway, here is the dress.

 Ooh and ahhs, people. I EXPECT OOHS AND AAHS.

I tried it on; it was BEAUTIFUL. Avalon and I shared a moment on the phone, no big deal. So now the next step in the planning, obvi, is shoe shopping. WHICH is my second most favorite thing to do in the world (besides blog, of course). At this point, I am really feeling DSW is the place to shop. And as I am saying this I am remembering…it’s not my wedding. For those future MoH’s reading, it can be easy to get ahead of yourself, let me tell you (LOLZ). Noooow this brings me to my post.

For the most part, I don’t remember my dreams. I know I have them, but I just don’t recall any of it the next morning. There are the few (good ones), however, that are embedded in my brain. One of my favorites was when I was younger and I dreamed my mom had a mini van (she didn’t, thank goodness) and it flew and it pulled behind it a magic carpet. We “drove” it right next to the Courtney Campbell. Uhhhm that’s a bridge. AKA over water. AKA what were we thinking?!

Another favorite, already, being last nights.

It begins with Avalon and Laurel visiting me, for what appears to be some sort of bridesmaid extravaganza weekend. We have our dresses, well Laurel and I do, and we are about to go shoe shopping. YES. So far so good, for this dream. Then, out of nowhere I start crying. Like, my face is puffy, I start to look kind of round (from crying?) and mascara is all amess on my face. OUT OF NOWHERE. So we are getting ready to go, and I am taking forever to get ready (probably because I can’t see through the tears). Laurel is trying to be supportive saying, “it’s shoes, it’ll be fun! Come on shoes are fun!”. While Avalon is turning into Brideszilla and saying, “HURRY UP, OR WE’LL BE LATE TO BUY SOME SHOES”. Uhm, okay shoe police! So I get myself together, and before we are out the door I say I need to grab some shoes (should’ve thought of that earlier, dream Taryn). I must’ve taken too long because both Avalon and Laurel come up to get me, where they find me in my closet. Sleeping. In my laundry basket.

Then I woke up.

I am not a dream analyzer, but I am curious to know:

1. Am I secretly, deep down, starting to hate buying shoes? If so, how long until that happens?…I need to stock up.

2. Am I going to cry at Avalon’s wedding? If so, I’ll need to buy waterproof mascara. And tissues.

3. Is Avalon going to be a brideszilla? If so, alert TLC. It should be a good one.

-T

BTW here is a video on how I feel on the subject of being MoH.

I Remember When Corn Rows Were Cool…

I just received an email from my one and only sister.

No, we aren’t at work (yes we are). No, we aren’t sitting 6 feet away from each other (yes we are). No, we weren’t those girls who swooned over boy bands and still know their songs (yes we are).

Regardless. I got an email from her with the subject line, “I remember when corn rows were cool…”. With a subject line like that, I didn’t even need to open the email. I just knew I was in for a jolly good time.

And of course there was a link, and before the link she writes “ENJOY. NOW. Don’t laugh out loud”.

DON’T LAUGH OUT LOUD?!

Clearly I immediately start laughing, even before opening the link. But unfortunately I could not stop the laughs from echoing and the tears from flowing. My co worker (haven’t heard from him in a while, huh. Well it’s only Tuesday) then is like, are you okay? We have tissues. Then proceeds to get me tissues, which is hilarious cause I wasn’t crying out of pain but SHEER JOY. The sad part is, is that I couldn’t even get through the whole link. I literally got through 1/5 of the site before I did that laugh where it all of a sudden (but in the end you knew it was going to happen) BUSTS out and scares everyone in the room.

So, now that I have built it up so much…

ENJOY. NOW. Don’t laugh at loud. Oh and, we all still love you Justin Timberlake. Everyone makes mistakes

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-25-most-embarrassing-pictures-of-justin-timber

-T

Run and Tell That, Homeboy

Last night, before watching the finale of Big Brother (it’s awesome, don’t judge), my friend Erica showed us the most hilarious youtube videos….so now it is my turn to introduce THUPER THYSTERICAL THURSDAYS. Every Thursday (or maybe just today, idk I just made this edition up) we will show funny videos. Only one day left in the hellish work week, so we need some laughter. Or maybe just a nap. But enjoy these videos, nonetheless.

For the purpose of HILARITY, watch this video first. Please and thank you.

Let’s take a minute to calm ourselves, and catch our breaths….

HOW FUNNY WAS THAT GUY. Was he for real? I am worried for this rapist. The brother “gon find you. He gon find you”.

Now onto the video I like to call, Part 2. And please watch the WHOLE thing. It’s like two videos in itself.

I don’t know why ANYTHING in auto-tune is funny to me.  Also the fact that there is a SING-A-LONG is great. I definitely sang along, not gonna lie

Thank you for watching (and enjoying, admit it) the first installment of THUPER THYSTERICAL THURSDAYSSSSS. Please stay tuned for funnier videos to come…

-T