Hi. I Like to Cry.

I’ve mentioned this on the blog before, but I seriously have a crying problem. If you met me you would never think, ‘oh wow, I think that girl cries like 8 times a day’. I am sarcastic and often walk around with a stone cold heart. My real life hardly ever makes me cry. In fights I don’t cry, I yell. At work I don’t cry, I get even. With my friends I don’t cry, because I have the best friends ever and they would never do that to me.

Television. Television makes me cry.

1. I guess it’s always good to start with the lamest one in hopes that by the time you have finished the list you will have forgotten how ridiculous I am. The first time I saw this COFFEE commercial I cried. I seriously need to get it together. I can watch it now without crying, but I was a sucker for the awful jingle and preposterous acting/plot line the first time.

 

2. We all know how much I love Casey Abrams on American Idol. Too much. I think he is INCREDIBLY talented and a little bit adorable all rolled up into one. A few weeks ago he received the least amount of votes and was going to end up going home, but the judges used their ONLY season save to save him from this unfair fate. Crying ensued. By me. And a little by Casey.

 

3. I also cry at adorableness. I stumbled upon this video on someone’s blog/facebook/whatever and watched it laughing with tears streaming down my face like the craziest person on the face of the planet.

 

4. I found this website and sometimes when I feel like I need to fit in one more cry for the day I visit it. Sometimes I get the feeling the little anecdotes are fake or made up, but I don’t really care. I don’t discriminate when it comes to my tears.

 

5. The other day I decided to watch the first episode of the new show Mobbed. I basically started crying immediate just because I could feel what was coming. In this show a guy loves his jealous girlfriend so much that he decides to plan [with the help of Howie Mendel] an elaborate proposal. The whole event starts with her being jealous of some skanky actress playing a lost connection of her boyfriend, and ends with tears, singing, and more tears. Most of the tears were from me. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM.

Happy crying!

-A

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Lent: A Hypothetical

As I am sure you are fully aware [or not], Lent began yesterday on Ash Wednesday [duh]. My parents grew up very very Catholic and brought us up half-ass Catholic bordering on who-cares. We celebrate Christmas with presents and mass, Easter with candy, and Ash Wednesday with…well… no recognition whatsoever.

In the forty days between Ash Wednesday and Easter a good Catholic decides on a unnecessary/extravagant part of their life they could probably do without, i.e. bacon. The idea is a fast or a sacrifice to prepare spiritually for Easter. So I should be preparing spiritually for eating too much candy my mother still buys me even though I am twenty-three years old.

Not a big deal.

But I digress. The purpose of this post is so I can divulge my hypothetical lent possibilities. Things I would sacrifice for 40 days if I were better at my religion:

#1. Girl Scout cookies:

Seriously. I need to stop. Or I need an intervention. Yesterday I think I ate 11 girl scout cookies. I wish I was lying. I ate them spread out throughout the day so I could easily lie to myself and pretend I only had two. Sadly, not the case. It is so hard to not eat the Thin Mints calling my name from the freezer. Yes, TRY THEM FROZEN.

#2. Snacking:

If snacking were an occupation, I would be a CEO. I eat breakfast, drive to work, and immediately need a snack. I eat something every 2 hours at work so I don’t die. I go home and eat a snack while I am making dinner [lots of snacks mixed together]. I love snacks. It is amazing that I am not a million pounds.

#3. Facebook:

I am the worst Facebook user on the face of the planet. I have like 2 pictures, no wall, and I am impossible to search for. I login and I just stare at my news feed. Over time I have ‘hid’ all the people on my news feed that annoy me. This annoy list ranges from my cousin [because he’s related to me] all the way to some random guy I only met once on vacation [because he keeps promoting night clubs]. Because I have ‘hid’ so many people, there are only around 4 left to even see on my actual news feed. Basically Facebook is now pointless for me, yet somehow it is still sucking my brain out daily.

#4. Television:

I watch AWFUL television. To my defense I do watch a few recognized and acclaimed shows like Big Love, Dexter, and The Office. To my downfall, I will admit that I also watch all the Real Housewives, Jersey Shore, and Grey’s Anatomy [STILL! I know, it isn’t even good anymore….]. I’m sure my mind could really use a good television cleanse…

#5. Shopping:

I love to shop. I sit at a computer for eight hours a day, and online shopping has become a bit of a problem. Last week I bought two new books, a craft hole puncher, and striped bakers twine. I know. All necessities. My account would love if I decided to give up shopping for 40 days. Sadly, that’s not going to happen.

And there you have it folks, my hypothetical Lent list. Sadly I ate a cookie for breakfast, I packed a lunch bag full of snacks, I’ve already logged on to Facebook today, I watched Ellen this morning, and I have 2 items in my Amazon.com shopping cart.

Le Sigh.

-A

DELUSIONAL?! MY HUSBAND IS FAMOUS.

Hello my little snowballs.

Recently [yesterday], my little state was hit with yet another dumb storm/extreme snowpocalypse. We obviously don’t need more snow which is evident by watching the news [or stepping outside]. The latest news worthy snow-related scandal was that plow and dumb trucks were ILLEGALLY DUMPING SNOW IN THE RIVER! How DARE they.

But in reality, who can blame them? There is not a parking lot or deserted field left to put the unwanted, unneeded, unwarranted snow, proven by the 20 feet snow drifts as far as the eye can see. It is getting ridiculous, I move we stop this snow.

Moving on.

Today on our hands we have our first ever [drum roll please] BLOG REQUEST. That’s right ladies and ladies [let’s keep it real], a reader wants our take on something! Someone cares! So per this request, the entry today will center mostly around the most ridiculous thing to hit pop culture yet somehow go under the radar since Wendy Williams.

Who is this person you ask with bated breath? It’s Camille Grammer Obviously.

Who is Camille Grammer you ask? According to her Wikipedia page she is a television personality, dancer, actor and model. According to me she is a gold digging psycho path.

I mean look at her? Doesn’t she just ooze crazy?

She is mostly known for being married to Kelsey Grammer, however if you said that to her face she’d rip your eyes out like a banshee. You can see that in her eyes, can’t you?

In order to try and beef her name up as more than just some random guy’s wife, Camille joined the cast of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I’ve said it before and I will say it again, I am in LOVE with Bravo television. I love all their dumb shows, and I watch them all pretty religiously. I love all the Real Housewives because my mind is baffled that people like this exist in the world. It is kind of like watching Planet Earth: Ocean Deep and all of the creatures skimming the ocean floor that you never even knew about. Fascinating.

But I digress, today I will happily provide you all with a list of reasons while MRS. Grammer is the craziest lady out there right now. Emphasis on the MRS. because it is imperative that everyone know she is married [or was, oh snap!]. Welcome to my haterade parade.

#1. She is from New Jersey – Now, if you ever read this blog you will know that I am a New Jersey HATER. Before you get all offended, I know that there are some people from NJ who aren’t completely awful… like my Dad. That’s right, I have the dirty Jerz in my own family. Regardless, MRS. Grammer is from Jersey which only helps to solidify my hatred. Sorry Pops.

#2. She thinks all women are jealous of her – On the Real Housewives she has been caught on camera more than once claiming that women can’t help but be jealous of her. Please refer to the photograph above. I see a scary looking faux blonde with fake boobies and injected skin on the arms of an old man who doesn’t love her. Wait…what am I supposed to be jealous of again? I got lost in all of that horribleness.

#3. She thinks women are catty, and can’t figure out why they don’t like her – Also on the show, MRS. Grammer repeatedly talks about how she can’t seem to hold on to girlfriends and she prefers male friends anyways. Personally I wouldn’t want a gal pal who was convinced I was jealous of her and kissed my husband on the mouth all the time. [Yes, that is real. She has a MARRIED hot male friend named Nick that she kisses on the mouth, like it’s ok]

#4. She has IBS. And did a PSA for it.- For those of you who don’t know IBS stands for Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and it is common in as many as 1 in 5 American adults. It is an awful disorder and I would hate to have it, but come on, a Public Service Announcement!? Really?

#5. She got her start doing soft core porn and Club MTV – MRS. Grammer used Real Housewives as a platform to act like the victim and try to come off as a classy, quiet, lady [she failed]. Her classiness rapidly disintegrated when everyone remembered her soft core porn days following her refined days as a dancer on MTV. Suppperrr Klassy Kamille.

#6. She refers to Kelsey Grammer as her husband. – Now as a soon to be WIFE I understand that it is going to be exciting to call someone my husband, but he will still have a name. MRS. Grammer spends the majority of her time on camera referring to Kelsey as her husband. “My HUSBAND is nominated for a Tony”, “My HUSBAND is moving to NYC”, “My HUSBAND is beloved by all of America”. Wait, who is your husband again? It somehow slipped my mind.

#7. She talks about being famous too much for someone who isn’t famous. – She talks about how crazy it is to be in the public eye all the time, um you chose that lady.

#8. She said she has a Jesus complex. – On the show she was sitting in hot tub with her friends, and she proclaimed that she had helped every single person in the hot tub, due to her “Jesus Complex”. Yup.

#9. She is friends with a medium. During one of the episodes MRS. Grammer invited over her bat shit crazy friend who just so happens to be a Medium. She was crazy and spent the dinner smoking an electronic cigarette. Her friend said, and I quote “Do you know what I love about me? I know when every person at this table is going to die”. WELL. Do you know what I love about me? That none of my friends pretend to be psychic.

#10. She said she isn’t insecure. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. Oh right. Because fake body parts, a reality television show, and a publicized divorce SCREAM secure and confident.

And thus concludes my analysis of Camille Grammer, craziest lady of the moment.

-A

Just in case you want to here this woman speak.

A Little Ditty on Addiction

Ditty: noun. A short, simple song.

This is in fact, not a ditty.

REGARDLESS.

Last night I had the pleasure of watching the ridiculous lineup that is TLC any night of the week. To my surprise and delight I stumbled upon a new show dubiously named “My Strange Addiction”. Let’s just say this name hardly does this show justice. STRANGE is only the tip of the iceberg on this baby [this is the SAME iceberg that sunk the Titanic and ultimately killed Jack Dawson].

Last night’s episode focused on two women who were addicted to two very different things. Woman 1 was addicted to eating toilet paper. Yes. Toilet paper. Perhaps the most irritating thing about her was that she kept calling it ’tissue’. She was stupid.

Woman 2 was addicted to sleeping with her blow dryer. She liked it in the bed, turned on. SERIOUSLY. This was mind boggling to me on a million different obvious levels. She had scars all over her arm from the coils of the blow dryer that she KEEPS IN HER BED. At the end of the episode her therapist suggests that she write a letter to her obsession letting it go:

“Dear Blow Dryer…” I wish I was kidding.

This GEM of reality television is on TLC on Wednesday nights at 8pm or something. Maybe 9pm? I’m sure you can watch episodes online if you are desperate or if you live without cable [like a champ]. Please watch this show and support the devil network known as TLC.

Why a devil network you ask? I will give you 5 reasons.

#1. Sarah Palin’s Alaska

#2. Kate Gosselin

#3. Toddlers in Tiaras

#4. I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant

#5. What Not to Wear [I’m sorry, I can’t stand that lady and clearly purple and navy go really well together…]

-A

Like The Soup, I watch TV so you don’t have to. With Joel McHale. I wish.

The Celtics; a gateway drug

I’m a New England girl through and through, and the one aspect of my brash personality that was missing proved to be a love for the Celtics. Last year I really got into watching them, mostly because I was avoiding my senior thesis.

Not a big deal.

Last spring my neighbor purchased an absurdly large television because he had nothing better to spend the money on. Every time I went over to harass say hi to him, he was watching the Celtics on this massive expanse in the living room. Finally after days of walking in on sweaty men, I decided to sit down and take a gander at this so called basketball game.

Annnnd I was hooked. I’m what you would call indoorsy… not really, but I hate watching sports on television. Put me at a live game, and I will be as happy as a pig in mud [literally] but on TV? I could die. I really got into the Celtics though, and ultimately forced all my friends into as well. We would congregate with the neighbor and others, watch the pores [big tv, remember?] of the C’s players, and commentate.

“Excellent three pointer!”

“Do you think Kevin Garnett is bald in real life?”

“Have you seen how pretty his wife is?”

“Did you notice Doc Rivers and the guy behind him are wearing the same tie?”

Okay, not to go all stereotypical on ya’ll, but those are real conversation excerpts. We do also enjoy the game, the sport, and the players.

But I digress.

I am now a huge Celtics fan; I watch the games, go to games, and talk about them in normal conversation. This new fandom excited the roommate fiance, and we decided to make the ultimate plunge into adulthood and sign up for cable after resisting it for years. Literally years. My mother made SURE we never had the joy of cable throughout my entire childhood [yes she was one of THOSE mothers]. We reasoned that cable would cost less than the amount of money we would spend on beers at a sports bar where we would be watching the Celtics kick ass.  Valid. Valid?

Regardless. We’ve had cable for exactly 13 days and I can already tell it’s a problem. At first we watched Celtics games only. Then by day 3 it was a disease. I wake up in the morning and watch the Ellen Show while I am getting ready for work/eating breakfast/doing morning yoga [shut up]. I get home from work and I watch Law and Order, The Office, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice [yes, I am the one person that still watches that], All shows on Bravo, Teen Mom, Dirty Jobs, Community….the list goes on. I went from 0 to 60 in a mere 3 days. I now have a television schedule like all of those people I pitied.

In short, I need a hobby and a life, because I cannot watch that much television.

A special thank you to The Celtics for getting me hooked. Comcast owes you commission.

-A

My unhealthy attachment to fictional couples.

Hello (3) readers,

Taryn and I often take to the blog to talk about television. Regardless of the fact that I don’t have cable (I’m cheap) I somehow manage to keep up to date with SO MUCH TELEVISION.

I am what you would call a multitasker. I never sit down and watch something, I need to be doing something else at the same time (some might call this ADD. Potato, PoTOTo). I watch TV (hulu) and clean, do crafts, cook… you name it.

Through this array of TV multitasking, I have become emotionally involved with several television shows and the characters portrayed on them. Before I delve into this emotional issue, I will preface that I am not weird. Well, I am a little weird, but not socially weird. I have friends, I have a roommate (fiance), I have a cat, I love my family, I have co workers, I have a hilarious relationship with my mailman. In short, I have normal real life relationships so a lack thereof is not the reason I pine over fictional relationships.

CLEAR?! Clear.

So, on this bright and crisp Saturday morning I decided I would do you the favor of sharing with you the EPIC fictional relationships that have changed my life (not really).

#1. Izze Stevens and Denny Douquette

I was sick my freshman year of college and my devil roommate (Satan for this suggestion) suggested I watch Grey’s to pass the time. It became an addiction. The show is A-W-F-U-L now and I still watch it. I watched with bated breath as Izze met Denny, and fell in love. Knowing that shows enjoy my tears, I knew he was going to die. Even with the knowledge of his eventual demise, I cried LIKE A BABY when he died. I still cry over it. Every night.

#2. Rory Gilmore and Logan Huntzberger. (Runner Up: Lorelai Gilmore and Luke Dane)

Oh the Gilmore Girls: such an integral part of my life. I loved the banter, the dumb jokes, and the faux town. MOSTLY I loved Logan Huntzberger. I loved his trust fund hair and his unreliable smile. They had the best relationship known to man. He was charming, smart, and so attractive. Then, at her graduation, he proposed. AND SHE SAID NO. I still am heartbroken over this. He even promised her an avocado tree. I only watched the last episode once, so I only had to live through the heartbreak once.

#3. Pam Beezley and Jim Halpert. (Runner Up: Holly and Michael Scott)

The first time I watched The Office I hated it. Then I decided to stop being so uptight and give in to laughter. But seriously, I’m a girl so the subtle romance between Pam and Jim stole my life from me. I hate sarcasm, but I love Pam and Jim (see what I did there?). I will admit that I love them less now that they are married with child, but I still love them. Perhaps I like couples best when they are angsty? Seriously though, Pam and Jim make love real. [I told you, I’m a sad human being].

#4. Rita and Dexter Morgan

At first she seemed dumb as a door nail, but then I began to love Ms. Rita.  I believe that she secretly knew that Dexter was getting his righteous kill on, but its an unproven hypothesis. SPOILER ALERT: she gets killed. It was sad. I feel for Dexter, I loved them together. Mostly because I want to date that show.

#5. Seth Cohen and Summer Roberts

Yes, I watched The OC, WHO DIDN’T?! But seriously, I think on this one, I was mostly in love with Seth. He was so adorable, nerdy, smart, creative…ugh I could go on forever. He wasn’t stupid (Ryan), he wasn’t reckless (Ryan), he didn’t have a swipsy swapsy girlfriend (Ryan). I loved how socially awkward he was, and I loved Captain Oats. So essentially… I guess I just loved Seth Cohen. Whoops.

#6. Every relationship on Nip/Tuck

I started watching Nip/Tuck this summer. I finished Nip/Tuck this summer. Seriously, that show is ADDICTING. I ended the show hating everyone on it, but that show has epic relationships on it. Crazy people, incest, transvestites, cheating, bisexuals, the list goes on. These relationships were epic because it made me NEVER want to go to California, NEVER get plastic surgery and NEVER want my best friend anywhere near my spouse (you hear me TARYN? JK). It made me cynical. I’m over it.

Are you as obsessed as I am?

-A

Halloween: from ladybugs to naughty nurses

When I was younger I was obsessed with Halloween, because seriously, who wasn’t. I would lie in bed like a crazy, thinking of my costume and about a thousand alternatives. I was also super pumped about the candy aspect… oh the candy. As I’ve mentioned, my mother deprived me of the finer things in life (media, sugar, etc) so Halloween was like a field day for me. I would be shaking in my boots at the end of the trick-or-treating evening, just anticipating the amount of candy I got to eat (after my mother inspected every single piece and threw away all the lollipops).

I remember my early elementary years I was a witch (with a green face), Morticia Adams (with a white face), a Flamenco dancer (because I loved castanets), and leftovers (just wrapped in saran rap). Then, the unavoidable shift happened.

In 7th grade, one of my older friends suggested we go as the Pink Ladies from Grease. I’m not going to say that I was probably planning on going as a green faced witch again but, I was planning on going as a green-faced witch again. Wanting to belong to my skankerfic friendship circle (jk, they aren’t skanky) I literally begged my mother to buy me the costume. She finally gave in (which is against her nature) and I got the costume, proud to fit in.

Then I took a hiatus from Halloween, because let’s face it: when you’re 14 you are too cool for celebrating holidays. I sat around for the next few years, watching scary movies on October 31st and handing out candy to versions of my younger self (except not as cute, obviously).

Once I got over myself I decided to get back into the Halloween/costume game. I was a junior in high school, and suddenly all the former ghosts, witches, and princesses were now french maids, referees, and police women.

I was a zebra.

The next year?

A Butterfly. (literally what my costume looked like, I was 18)

The next year?

A cat.

The next?

A scarecrow.

Somehow in my younger years I missed out on the “feel okay about dressing like a stripper for Halloween” memo. Even as I was a “reckless” college student (I have never been reckless) I couldn’t bring myself to wear the skankalicious outfits I saw around me.

Also, these costumes are all around incorrect.

#1. French maid costume..

Real French maid…

#2. Referee costume…

Real Referee…

#3. Policewoman costume…

Real Policewoman..

See? Costumes are misleading.

And yes, I know that I don’t really look like a butterfly, Morticia Adams, or a cat. But at least I was fully clothed and warm.

In this week’s episode of Parenthood (watch that show) a six year old girl wants to be Miss California for Halloween. In spite of her mother’s explanation of women’s advancements through history, the six year old is set on being a pageant queen, while her mother pulls together a BAD ASS Amelia Earhart costume. Kudos, fictional mother, Kudos.  (Side note: does anyone remember Kudos bars?! Do those still exist??)

What happened to the candy and the gross costumes?! Why are we stuck with possible nip slips and watered down drinks?

CAN WE PLEASE BRING BACK TRICK OR TREATING?!

-A

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