If you can walk, you can dance. If you can talk, you can sing

…Uhm. That’s not true, random quote by a random person. Just watch, DWTS and you’ll see how wrong that really is…

Okay. It wasn’t THAT bad. In the end we all know I am mainly talking about one. Maybe two people. They know who they are, and they know they don’t deserve to be there. HOWEVER. I will not get to that until a little later.

So two nights ago was DWTS Week 8 (7?). Not only was it phenomenal. But it was PHE-NOM-E-NAL. A litte breakdown, shall we?

First up was Kyle and Lacey- Venetian Waltz

• Losing weight, possibly? Really loving him. Lacey is still ehhh. I wish she didn’t wear the ugliest things to rehearse in.

So, leg warmers are cool? Say whhaaaat?

Next up, Baby and Derek- Quick step

• THEY SHOWED FOOTAGE OF THE DOCTOR EXAMINING HER. Really? Is that necessary? She won’t stop cryingggg. Ugh. The dance was great though. Which makes me think, she’s a liar. So. Good luck trying to win back my vote, cry BABY.

Kurt Warner and Anna- Waltz

• SNOOZE ALERT. I can’t even pretend or pull things OUT OF MY ASS about this dance. I’m sorry. NEXT

Bristol and Mark- Argentine Tango

• Homesick. She is complaining about being homesick. Grow up Bristol. Regardless, I have talked about Argentine Tango before. It is BEYOND sexy. This is my favorite dance, ever. And many people (Derek, Maks, Tony, Cheryl, Gilles) have wowed me with this dance. They MADE this dance THE dance to watch. And you know why it was so easy for them? SEX. They are sexy. They know to work it. So. Picture my disappointment when Bristol draws Argentine Tango. Uhm. Vomit in my mouth. It almost seems as though she could pull this off. I mean, she has had a baby. Aka she has had to be SEXY at least once before. Notice I said once. Fun fact, she was horrible at Argentine Tango.

You’re welcome for the picture. I laughed. For days. Poor Mark.

Brandy and Maksim- Waltz

• Maks may or may not have worn a WHITE SUIT. I’d show a picture, but it’s too hilarious. And by hilarious I mean HOT. Regardless, there is going to a post about white suits…so hold tight, young readers. The picture will come. ANYWAY. Brandy’s quotes are getting better and better. This night? “We got this, we got this”. Oh. Do ya now, Brandy? Uhmm they did. They rocked. Maksim does gots my heart. Sidenote. Brandy cried. We are at 5.

SO. That rounds out Phase 1 of dancing.

THAT’S RIGHT

There were TWO, I repeat TWO phases of dancing. It is a phase we (yes, I work at ABC) like to call, Instant Dance. This ditty goes a little something like this…the couples draw a RANDOM song out of a hat and have to be able to put together a dance in 20 minutes. Glorious.

Kyle and Lacey- Jive

• I really loved it. Like. Loved it, loved it. We reWOUND it. Thanks to Erica’s tv. We got to relive the awesomeness at least 3 times. Maybe four. I promise I’m not crazy.

Baby and Derek- Rumba

• There was an awkward split…I tried finding it in pictures. No such luck. But honestly. Grown woman shouldn’t be doing that. Eek. I could’ve done without that. Also, Brooke Burke needs to shut up. YES, I know she is the interviewer, but stop bringing up how she is ALWAYS IN PAIN. That only tells Baby that it’s okay to complain about it. Annoyed.

Kurt and Anna- Cha Cha Cha

• 7 kids? He really has 7 kids? Really? It’s like he’s starting a football team (lame joke, please laugh). He’s such a big goof. HOWEVER, the dance…was not horrible. All I can muster for that.

Bristol and Mark- Samba

• It’s amazing they were even able to fit dancing in, since Mark clearly went to the CHRIPRACTOR for that lift earlier (burn). But okay. Seriously. WHY IS SHE STILL HERE. O.M.G.

Brandy and Maksim- Cha Cha Cha

• So great! I just love them. No tears. No stupid sayings. It was FLAWLESS. Carrie Ann (judge) and Maksim might have gotten into a little fight. Twas phenom. Not many times do I want to see people fighting (lies). This one fight was about CHOREOGRAPHY. How could you go wrong?!

Okay. So there we have it!!!! I hope everyone enjoyed picturing the dances, since I described them with such grace. HA.

So, I COULD tell you guys went home in a very posty fashion. However, in fear that I won’t be able to stay awake (why am I a grandma?) I will just come out and say it.

Say bye Kurt Warner. BYE KURT WARNER.

As much as I don’t think he deserved to be there anymore, I don’t think he should’ve gone home before Bristol. She sucks. So much. My mom might be the most mad about this. And noooooobody makes my momma mad. Bristol better watch it, or my mom will go to DWTS and boo her ass. Not really. But she (so am I) is really mad at the situation. UGH

-T

PS sorry for cussing a little bit. I honestly can’t refrain when it comes to Bristol.

The Big 2-0. Plus Another 0. So…. The Big 2-0-0

It is Tuesday which meeaaannnnsss

1. I watched (am watching) DWTS, hollaa

2. Avalon is at the movies

Well. Luckily we will be talking about #1 (jokng, Avalon). And if my title wasn’t confusing enough, it was DWTS 200th episode last night.

WHHHAAAATTTT. Are you kidding (is what you are thinking )? And no. No, I am not kidding. And yes. Yes it was great.

The episode featured (more lists, get ready)

1. Asians

2. Past contestants/guest judges

3. Uncanny look alike

I am a rule follower and will begin with #1

…Asians.

Two of my favorite Asians (after Avalon, of course) were guest stars on the show. You guessed it! Apolo Anton Ohno and Kristi Yamaguchi!

They were great. Kristi was tiny and cute and actually said “raise the roof”. And Apolo (one L, btw. I “apolo”gize for my previous posts for spelling it wrong. Ps, how great was that play of words. Aaaah-thank you) was cute and attractive and the soul patch WAS AWESOME. Loved it loved it loved.

The both of them split up the remaining couples, and the teams battled (danced) against each other. ‘Twas phenom. Apolo could have (main word, COULD) had the hottest team. Apolo, Maksim, Derek…and then there was Kurt. Poor thing. His looks couldn’t measure up. Oooh anyway. Brandy was a part of Apolo’s team, in which they danced the Cha-Cha. She may or may not have said, “let’s bring Compton up in here”. Hint: she did. Not a hint: Brandy, stop talking.

After the twenty or so minutes of GREATNESS, the actual dances began. Which brings me to #2

…Past contestants/guest judges

As I have stated before (I think?) I love when shows relive the past. I love when past people return, I love when past episodes are shown, I just LOVE IT. So when past DWTS contestants were brought back and had their best dances reenacted/danced by our PRESENT COUPLES, then JUDGED THEIR DANCE, I go crazy. My insides get all bubbly, I start jumping in my seat, and I just can’t handle myself.

The first up was Kyle and Lacey. Their past contestant (and dance) was none other than Scary Spice herself, Mel B.

Now, since I grew up in the 90’s, it is in my veins to love the Spice Girls. My friends and I had performances every recess. I was Baby, obviously. My sister and her friends had a Spice Girls group. They may or may not have “toured”, performing at our friends birthday parties. To sum up, I was excited to see Mel B there. She was as British and saucy as ever. But onto the dance…Kyle and Lacey had to dance to Mel’s infamous Paso Doble. IT IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE DANCES, TO DATE. Now. To be clear. I throw out infinites a lot. But this is one, I am not joking about. It was just awesome. SO awesome, in fact, that you will be dazzled with the video (at the end of the entry), so keep reading.

Next up was Kurt and Anna. Shall I even go on? Do we care? Joking (no I’m not, but for the sake of the recap I’ll keep going). Kurt had to live up to Emmitt Smith’s Tango. Which, Emmitt’s wasn’t too snazzy either. So, all in all, the tango just didn’t cut for me. Sorry, fellas.

Bristol and Mark. Here we have sweet, innocent, (mute) Bristol. And who else would they choose as the past contestant? Well, none other than Kelly Osbourne! Ya know, cause she is sweet and innocent and quiet….I am obviously joking. First of all, I love Kelly Osbourne. I don’t love her in a Jennifer Aniston way, but whatevs. I don’t know if anyone has heard/seen/googled, but Kelly looks SO PHENOM. She lost mad weight and looks really good!

She looks happy. Which makes me happy. You know what does not make me happy? Bristol dancing. As much as I made fun (maybe only one post) of Audrina acting like a robot, it doesn’t even seem to COMPARE to the void that is Bristol’s face. Show some emotion! I really want to just smack her. Which is kind of rude. But, don’t judge me until you watch it.

So. Rick Fox and Cheryl time. Their person was Helio something. The Indy Car person (driver? racer? whatever). Uhmmmmm tax evasion say whaaaat? The dance was the quick step, which Helio described as “smooth up top, fast down low”. Uhmmmmm naughty say whaaaat? Before I get to the dance, in rehearsal Missy–errr, Eliza Dushku showed up at the studio. Uhmmmm jealous say whaaaat? It’s not like Eliza is a 40 year old and worried Rick will go for a younger girl. Newsflash, Eliza. YOU’RE ONLY LIKE 3 YEARS OLDER THAN CHERYL. No need to be jealous. Regardless, loved the quick step. Rick is just so fun and I enjoy watching him cut a rug.

If I can say one word to sum up this next couple (well, person) it’d be, YUM. That’s right. Maksim…(oh, and Brandy). They danced to Gilles (who? oh just the naked neighbor from Sex and the City movie) foxtrot. Foxtrot? More like, foxHOT. Oh yeah, keepin the word plays going. Besides Brandy making me want to VOMIT with the things she says, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Brandy got to touch Maks’ butt. HIS BUTT, PEOPLE. Jeal. So jeal. UGH. The show must be like, hmmm what dance can we have Maksim perform to make Taryn swoon? Well, bravo ABC. Bra-frickin-vo.

Finally, we have Baby and Derek. Their past contestant (and winner) was Drew Lachey. Long live boy bands, in my opinion. (sidenote on Avalon’s post, I was a Backstreet Boy’s fan. All day, baby. All day). Drew’s (awesome) dance, was the tango. To preface this comment, Baby is 50 years old. 50, apparently, is the new 80. SHE WILL NOT STOP COMPLAINING. It’s getting to be ridiculous. I don’t know if it’s me being mean (most likely) or she really is being a “baby”, but I am so sick of it. It’s one thing for Florence Henderson (76, or something close to it) to be like, oh ouch my hip replacement! But it’s another for Baby (50, once again) to be like, oh ouch my feet hurt in these shoes, so I am gonna need to rest every 2 hours, kthanks…and CRY in rehearsals. NOT OKAY. Just shut up and dance. Oooh back to the dance, it was actually really good. Guess your feet were feeling better, huh?

Wowzas. What a FABOLOUS night!

  (and yes,  fabolous as in the rapper). 200 episodes is a feat. So, yays. Bring on the next 200!

This brings me to the final feature of the show, #3.

…Uncanny look alike.

I noticed it last night, duh, and decided they are twins. Get ready, cause it’s mind blowing….

Separate at birth?

 and

That’s right, folks. Kurt Warner and everyone’s favorite pizza founder, John Schnatter (Papa John’s if you’re living under a rock) are TWINS. I’ll accept my UNCANNY Look Alike Discovery Award later (also known as the ULADA)…

Aaaaaand, that’s the show. Not going to lie, I am writing this while watching (well, already watched) the result show. So I could potentially just write, or add onto this post. BUT I AM SO ANGRY, I almost didn’t even want to finish this one. Just give me time to digest the travesty, and I will write the post. Also. That IS a hint. Good luck.

-T

PS. Brandy teared up. Counting it. Brandy Crying Counter is now at 4.

B. T. Dubs….the awaited video. Please note the HILARITY that is Kyle Massey. Adorbs.



Silver Lining?

According to my favorite (legit) gossip columns (aka my mom, People and Perez) there is hope for those of us who cried and bawled after reading my DWTS result post today…

That’s right, we are not through with Audrina just yet! She is going to be on a…(wait for it)

REALITY SHOW.

Shocker.

Is it mean to deem her Reality Show Whore? Perhaps. Prostitute going too far? Maybe. Floosy sound about right?

YES!

Audrina the Reality Show Floosy.

But, all jokes aside (never), I wish she would’nt keep hopping from one show to the next. It doesn’t make her cool. It also doesn’t make her anymore of a celebrity.

The best part of it all, she actually said that the show will be “personal and private”.

IN A REALITY SHOW? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE JOKING.

Maybe the personal part, but sure as hell not private. Keep dreaming, Audrina. Reality shows do nothing but make people crazy. I give it a year.

So I guess there is a silver lining for her being kicked off?

Nah.

-T

Avalon’s Hair is EVERYWHERE

…in my car, in my bathroom, in my BED. Uhm, we didn’t even sleep in the same bed! In her defense, my hair is ALSO everywhere. But mine is blonde not almost black. So hers stands out more.

So as we all (or should) know, last night was DWTS Week 6 Result Show.  It was suspenseful/upsetting/devastating/surprising/awkward.

Yes. All of those things.

Well, actually it PROBABLY was suspenseful. Kasey and I decided we’d watch two episodes of How I Met Your Mother to kill time while Kylie Minogue and other people performed (who cares). Then at exactly 9:55 we flipped it back on to see who went home. NOW is when those other adjectives come into play.

1. Upsetting

• Out of the remaining 7 couples, there are only about 4 who I think can really step up their game in the coming weeks and bring the competition TO IT’S KNEES. The bottom 2 people were part of the 4.

2. Devestating

• One of my favorite males is gone. And I loved him. I loved him in an “I-know-you-are-married-and-have-twins-and-are-too-old-for-me-but-I-still-wouldn’t-be-opposed-to-marrying-you-or-someone-like-you” kind of way.

3. Surprising

• I really thought this person had a bigger fan base.

4. Awkward

• Every results show, the judges are asked 1.) who has impressed them the most. 2.) are they surprised at the bottom 2 couples. 3.) who do they think should stay. I have a problem with ALL OF THOSE QUESTIONS. I mean, here we have these other couples who  just got told they are staying another week, and WE ALL KNOW which ones suck (they know it too) and then they have to listen to the judges say “those two couples do not deserve to be in the bottom 2, there are others that got lucky”. I don’t know about you, that would totally break my confidence for the remaining weeks; “Were they talking about me? Do I really suck? Who were they talking about?”. Ugh. Sad. So, I feel awkward for the other couples.
• OR to change it up, I feel awkward for the suckier couple in the bottom 2 when the judges say “well, so and so is a way better dance and shouldn’t be in the bottom”. Cause then that other couple is like, well shit. Don’t even open the envelope Tom, I’ll just walk off since I am so horrible.
• AWKWARD.

So anyway, the bottom 2 were Baby/Derek and Audroidina/Tony.

Baby and Derek have been phenom in the past weeks, HOWEVER Baby has been a dancer! I don’t see how this is fair. Shouldn’t everyone start from scratch?

Then we have Audrina, who honestly has zero emotion (I think the words my mom used to describe her were empty and a box. Well done, mother dear) but she had never taken dance lessons before! So we do we go for the older woman who still has the moves, or a younger girl who is learning at an impressive rate?….

In the end, Audrina ended up going home. It was sad (although she didn’t look phased–robot) and I really do love Tony. It’s just frustrating (ooh another adjective I could’ve used) because Bristol Palin, Rick Fox and Kurt Warner really aren’t awesome. At all. I also don’t think there is enough time EVER to get them in contention. I think Audrina really could’ve made something of herself in the coming weeks. Uggh. Reality tv.

On a sideboob errr sidenote, Audrina’s boobs are way too fake looking. Side boob is never attractive.

-T

PS, here is Au”droid”ina robot picture I promised.

 -I am Audroidina, beep boop boop beep boop

It’s Tuesday, time for another…Dancing With the Stars Update!

As promised, I am back and better than ever with a new Dancing With the Stars post/commentary/judging/complaining/obsessing. Many adjectives to describe this post. Oooh, oooh one last one….ROCK AND ROLLING.

That’s right, this weeks theme is none other than Rock N’Roll, complete with head banging, ripped jeans and teased hair. In essence, I LOVED IT.

It started out, in typical DWTS fashion, with a bang, by showing the top 10 dances EVER in DWTS history. That’s right all 10 seasons were involved (well, at least involved in the initial voting). A couple of the highlights included my mother and sisters all time favorite celebrity, Apollo Anton Ohno. He’s suave, he’s debonaire, he’d muscley, he can DANCE. What’s not to love? (Besides that headband, eek. We shall overlook this Apollo). Actually, after googling “Apollo ugly headband” I came across many pictures, all in which he was PULLING. IT. OFF. I mean serioulsy. I definitely ate crow on that comment.

Look at that soul patch. Adorable.

Whoo, sorry. I just went slightly (a lot) off track. Where were we? Oh yes. DWTS.

The beginning was great, I got to relive some past seasons and relish in the adorableness of, well, Maksim and Apollo and Gilles and Derek and Mark. For some reason anytime there is a flash back in any show I feel sad. Mainly because you sit back and think, wow is it really the 11th season?! Aww I remember when I first watched that dance…I WAS 19. Then I cry because I am old and sad, and make everyone in the room feel awkward. Joking. But seriously, flash backs, montages, anything shown to the music of Here’s to the Night by Eve 6 (which is actually a song about one night stands, but everyone used it as their graduation song. Don’t lie, you know you voted for it) I feel like crying. It’s almost a television disease I have. I feel as if I a part of the television family, and sad that it has come to an end. I might have cried for hours when FRIENDS ended…but that’s another day.

OMG, I’M BACK OFF TRACK.

Is it because I drank caffeinated tea so early this morning? Or is it because I am freezing and my brain cells are going crazy? Or maybe it’s just me who is crazy. We will never know…

Regardless of all that nonsense y’all just read, wondering “sooooo is this update happening?”. The time has officially come. WEEK 6, in all it’s glory:

1. Audrina and Tony

• Not her best, but not her worst. One comment (only one? I know, I’m surprised too). She doesn’t show emotion. Kate Gosselin had the movement of a robot, but Au”droid”ina had the face of one.

versus

Okay, you caught me. This isn’t Audrina. But I couldn’t find a good picture yet…I will find one though. Mark my words.

2. Cheryl and Rick Fox

• Much better performance than last week. He, too, was called a robot, but he was able to bring back the sexiness (Audrina, there is hope!) Oh also, I looked up how old Rick Fox is compared to Eliza Dushku (have we already talked about their ages?). He is 41. She is 29. Not THAT bad. But not that cute either.

OMG ON A TOTALLY DIFFERENT NOTE…Celine Dion had twins. Yes, she’s 42. Yes, her husband is 67. Yes, I threw up when I thought about it. And finally, YES, it was a frozen embryo. Moving on…

3. Kyle Massey and Lacey

• Loved this dance. He doesn’t look or appear to be light on his feet, but he proved me wrong (which is hard to do, fyi. Joking). No afro and mustache. I call this a success.

4. Kurt and Anna

• Uhm…no comment? Okay. You caught me. Idk if ABC does this on purposes, but everytime, YES EVERYTIME, Kurt and Anna dance I always get distracted by something totally ridiculous. This weeks distraction? Pocahontas. It’s my Halloween costume, I am not just some Disney Princess freak (lie). Sorry Kurt. Just as Grandmother Willow says, “Que que na to ra…listen with your heart, you will understand.”

5. Mark and Bristol

• I was thinking about this, and I think Mark is too fun for her. He has his ears gaged, some tattoos, he plays guitar; and she is just, matronly. She is, I will have to say, coming into her own. She doesn’t act as awkward when she has her post dance interview with Brooke Burke. So, two thumbs up?

6. Brandy and Maks

• Let’s take some votes, shall we? Who thinks Maksim showed his rock hard abs? Now, who thinks Brandy teared up/cried? Congrats to those of you who voted yes to BOTH, cause they definitely happened.
• BRANDY IT’S ROCK N ROLL, THERE ARE NO TEARS. Since the Situation is gone, should I make a new Blog Counter? This time, we will count how many times Brandy has cried. So far, we are at 3.
• And Maksim. Can we try and NOT tease us with just opening the front of your shirt, mkay? Just go shirtless next time, its probably more comfortable anyway.

7. Baby and Derek

• It is fitting that her name, well movie role name, is Baby. She is uber sensitive. Not that it’s a bad thing to wear your heart on your sleeve, but its a reality show for goodness sake. ALL OF AMERICA (or just the millions watching, nbd) IS JUDGING YOUR ACTIONS. And it’s not like she cried for no reason (Brandy) or is somewhat snotty and mean (Lacey). She is just, an old baby. Regardless, her dancing is off. Ever since Mr. Grinch got mad and she stormed out (Baby) they aren’t interacting the same. They need to get back into the groove. Cause I really enjoyed their dancing. And I don’t enjoy watching people complain, I’d much rather be the one complaining (see: reason for this blog).

Congratulations on the celebs who made it to Week 6! It is the official half way point, which is bittersweet. I wish it would be on FOREVER. But alas, it cannot. Tonight we see who goes home. I am thinking it is Bristol’s time. Not that I want to see her go, but I think the rest might have a bigger fan base? We shall see.

Oh, ps. I love you Maksim.

-T

Momma always had a way of explaining things so I could understand them

If you are not on your A-game today, that quote is from Forrest Gump.

Forrest Gump and I have a lot in common.

True, I don’t wear braces on my legs.

True, I do not have to go to war.

True, I do not have any friends named Bubba.

I do, however, love my momma.

Thus the reason for this post. My mother is essentially me, just a couple years older (btw I will be receiving a text in .5 seconds asking why I chose THAT picture. But I like it, I think its nice!).

Now, my mom (and dad) watch Dancing With the Stars. And they watch it almost as intensely as my sister and I  do (we really are a cool family. Do no base anything on this post alone, kthanks).

So without fail, I call my mom every morning at around 8:06 as I am on my way to work and we chat. Every Tuesday and Wednesday we gossip over the events that transpired the night before on DWTS. And let me tell you, those 15 or so minutes spent rambling about how much we love Maks or how Mark needs to keep his hands to himself are SO HILARIOUS. It’s actually where  I get a lot of my material for the DWTS blog posts. Yay for gossiping!

Anyway, I think my mom secretly wants to be a part of the weekly DWTS blog discussions…because when I got into work today I had an email from her entitled, Dancing with the stars. Then I open the email and it was about her two favorite parts of the show this week. As a bonus, she added clips and breaks down which minutes are the best. LOVE IT.

This clearly is where I get it from.

So, in honor of my momma, here are HER two favorite parts (along with her breakdown). And you better like them, or we aren’t friends anymore. Cause my mom is awesome. (My dad is awesome too, and I will try and get some funny material for his blog appearance). WATCH

Minute 3:50-3:57. Just Maks part. Anyone else would look awkward.

and

Minute 3:16-3:19 The look on Kyle’s face. Funny

Annnd there we have it people. My mom’s two favorite (and now everyone’s two favorite) moments from Dancing With the Stars week 3! Thanks Momma Boo

-T

Her Name was Lola. She was a Showgirl

(At the Copa. Copa Cabana)

Alrighty peeps, let’s end this Hump Day off right with none other than….DANCING WITH THE STARS UPDATE!

I think this might be a day (AND A HALF) late, yes? Whatever. I shall give a recap of Monday nights dancing and last nights result show (so exciting!).

Per usual, there were some ups and some downs.

Per usual, I will be making fun of the downs.

To start, it is only week 3 and I am wondering WHY The Situation is still on there. Seriously. Someone tell me 1) why is he considered a celebrity? 2) Why he shaves his head with that weird design? 3) Why does he wear STUPID things and pretend he is AWESOME? Newsflash. YOU’RE NOT.

Why. Why. Why. Why. Why.

I also took it upon myself (and this blog) to create a Situation Pun counter. I just started it last night (sad it took me so long) and we are at 5. FIVE. In only an hour of coverage. AN HOUR. I will say that one time it was actually said by sideline announcer, Brooke Burke (which after googling to find that picture, saw that she used to be a Playboy Bunny. I lost a little bit of respect for her. And by a little, I mean A LOT). Nonetheless, stop using the pun. It’s starting to become “a situation”.

On a lighter side, his pigeon toed-ness was less noticeable.

With Michael Bolton and David Hasselhoff out of the picture, I almost don’t know who else to hate on (well, besides the aforementioned Situation). I’ve started to slowly dislike Bristol Palin. I honestly don’t know what it is.

Is it the way she acts like a mute when Brooke asks her questions? Perhaps. Is it the way she doesn’t look like she is enjoying herself while dancing (with Mark no less…SERIOUSLY BRISTOL? He is adorable. If you can overlook those hideous earrings, anyway)? Perhaps. I actually started off not minding her. She was innnocent, and cute, and kind of looks like a chubbier Audrina—

(right?!).  But now I just want to shake her and ask her to look alive. Cause at this point in the show you need to be excited, otherwise there are people like me who will not so secretly hate on you.

Speaking of Mark, what is the PDA all of a sudden? He is either kissing Bristol’s cheek or canoodling. Not that I am opposed to public displays of affection, but after awhile I grow tiresome.

As for Kyle Massey (who?), That kid from That’s So Raven, he already had his blog moment this week (see: August 28).

Can we look at that picture one more time? Now look at his hand. HOW TINY IS THAT? True it’s an odd angle, but I can’t stop staring at his 4 year old childlike hands. Moving on.

I should preface these next couple comments…it was Story Week on DWTS. Meaning, there should be a story exemplified through the art of none other than dance (surprise). I am a little confused on how it works, do they choose their own story or do they pick in a hat? I do not know. Either way the stories some people came up with KILLED ME.

Florence Henderson. I am pretty sure when she drew the story (chose it? still uncertain) it said  “Carol Brady meets Maria Von Trapp“. Uhm. Poor Florence. This wasn’t a story I want to be told/danced for me again. She isn’t a contender…which I actually feel bad saying that. But it’s the truth. She is, however, the happiest person I have ever seen. Maybe it is because her partner Corky kissed he.

(ew, old people kisses)

Sooooo I guess, I know now where Mark get’s it, seeing as how Corky is his FATHER. The puzzle pieces are falling into place now, people.

Audrina (her eyes in that pic, bahaha). These girls with these hot pro dancers make it almost impossible for me to focus! I did catch her story. Her husband (boyfriend?) is returning home from war. Which is probably the easiest way to make people cry. Well, not me. I am in fact heartless. Ask my Avalon. Or my sister. Or my mom. REGARDLESS this dance just makes me want Tony to hold me. Which isn’t as weird as it seems. Or maybe it is. I don’t care. I think she did well though? Her dress was at least pretty.

Kurt Warner. Fake teeth? I can’t tell. I mean, he was a football player. That’s kind of a lot of getting knocked around…so I mean, it’d make sense. As for the dance? Don’t remember. I can’t seem to remember to watch him. It’s like I hear his name being announced and I zone out for 2.4 minutes. I’ll try harder next time, for the sake of this post.

Uhm my favorite story, BY FAR, was Brandy‘s (scary). It was like her card that she chose (drew?) was like, be the most cliche EVER. When Maks (yum) asked her what her favorite movie was she said Bodyguard. Yes. BODYGUARD. As in, Whitney Houston’s movie where she is a famous singer (Brandy?) and hires a bodyguard, Kevin Costner, (Maksim?) who used to work for the President. I found this SO hilarious for numerous reasons..

1) Does Brandy really compare herself to Whitney Houston? In other words, does “The Boy is Mine” compare herself to “I Will Always Love You”? INCOMPARABLE. (sidenote: Why is Jerry Springer a part of The Boy is Mine video? Weird)

2) Does Brandy really need a bodyguard? She scares me. I picture her to be that girl who will scratch your eyes until they BLEED while pulling out your hair.

Well, maybe there were only two reasons. So what. I still laughed hysterically when she said that. To get back to the dancing, she didn’t do horrible. Regardless, I give her two thumbs up for actually PRETENDING TO SING as a part of “the story”.

Okay. This brings me to the final three contestants. Rick Fox (rawr), Jennifer Grey and Margaret Cho. One person shows a little too much skin. One person doesn’t act their age. And another goes home. Which one is which, I wonder?

Let’s start with showing too much skin. And the winner is….

RICK FOX

Shocker, I know.

When Cheryl (love her) started to unbotton his shirt everyone (including myself) was like, oooh this is fun. Then more buttons were unbuttoned…Until finally IT WAS COMPLETELY OPEN.

So. Okay. It wasn’t gross or anything, but the stomach didn’t match the face. Maybe it was the mere fact he was an athlete, but I was expecting a little more. I still love them and they may or may not be my favorite couple. Sidenote to all this: Rick Fox is dating Eliza Dushku. (who? is the question my mom is probably asking). Well, mother dear. You not only have heard of this movie, but have SEEN IT. Yes. That’s right. She is none other than Missy (I remember trying to get my hair to do that twirl thing. Never worked), from Bring It On. And when I say Bring It On, I am not talking about the stupid sequels starring Hayden Panitierre and Solange Knowles (yes, Beyonce’s sister). I am talking about the original. Starring Kirsten Dunst, circa 2000. LOVE IT. It is one of my favorite VHS’. I refuse to buy it on DVD. I feel as if it’ll lose it’s charm. Anyway, to get back on topic, they’re dating. Weird.

Alrighty. So now let’s see who the winner is for not acting their age…

Jennifer Grey.

Wait. You’re telling me a 40 something year old woman with a 20 something year old hottie isn’t acting her age?! Once again, SHOCKER. Her dancing was actually great, and I somewhat enjoyed it. But her whole “older teacher flirts with younger student” charade left me a little uncomfortable, and embarrassed. Let’s steer away from creepy, mmkay Jen? Leave that up to Kyle.

And then there was one…

Yep. You guessed it, the Cho-ster went home. So unfortunate! As flawed as her technique was, I really enjoyed watching her. She was funny, heartwarming and genuine. She gave Florence a run for her money in the happy department. It upsets me when people like Marge go home and then I still have to watch The Situation act a fool (thanks Luda) next week. Ugh, reality tv. How I loathe and love you at the same time.

Welp, that’s all folks! Errrr, until next week. Same time, same blog.

-T

He Said, She Said

So. Hi. Remember me? I am the blond co-owner (do we own it?) of this blog?

Well, I am BACK. That’s right, put away those handkerchiefs and Kleenex boxes! I do apologize for my absence, work has been CRAZAAAAY! Regardless, a week is too long to make everyone wait.

With all the apologies, blah blah blah, being said time for what we all have been waiting for….another DWTS update!!

If you didn’t Google it (I know the temptation was there), last week David “I am gross” Hasselhoff got kicked off. How sad!….NOT. With that Gagfest gone and out of the picture, I can focus on other people to torment. This week’s object of humiliation? Michael Bolton

Yes, that is him pretending to be a dog. Yes, that is him in a doghouse. Now, if that isn’t embarrassing enough, he then began to DANCE. I know! Who would commit such celebrity status suicide? I mean, at least he didn’t forget his steps or anything…

oh wait.

HE DID

Michael, Michael, Michael. Please. For the sake of losing your fan base (50 year old woman pretending to be young and in the 80’s again-props to my Momma for that joke) just stop. It’s unnatural. Oh, and btw your earring is so 1990.

Pfewww. Bashing kind of takes a lot out of you! If only I was done.

We have a “situaton” on our hands this season. Uhm I know that was a horrible pun HOWEVER “the Situation” uses his OWN PUN every frickin opportunity. Don’t believe me? In practice “there’s a situation”. During the show, “there’s a situation”. During judging, “there’s a situation”.

We get it. Your nickname is also a noun. But that doesn’t mean you have more of a right of doing pun after pun after pun, it’s exhausting pretending to laugh at it!

Besides, we all know you have a situation! That situation (not being your abs) being the fact that you are PIGEON TOED.

I saw it last week and made a mental note (I can’t let possibly bashing be thrown at the wayside) then made Kasey pay attention this week…and it is more than apparent. Its like a stain on your pants. You don’t notice it at first, but once you see it THAT’S ALL YOU CAN LOOK IT. And I wasn’t the only one to point it out, my girl Carrie Ann (judge) told him. In front of 20 some odd million people. Well done, Carrie. Well done.

Oh, and btw your earring is so 1990.

Other than those two jokers, I enjoyed the show! Cheryl and Rick Fox continued to woo me. Bristol Palin is getting less awkward during the post dance questioning. Maksim was simply Maksim. AKA had me hypnotized. Lacey and that kid from That’s So Raven (I need to learn his name) were endearing and thankfully not as provocative! Florence and Corky are still the best older people on the show (sowwy Michael–ps I am in fact mocking my ex with that. Who’s name is actually Michael. Go figure). Jennifer Grey was awesome, and Derek lived up to the dramatics (not helping me figure out if you are gay or not, Derek). Margaret and Louis were hilarious and less horrible.

So, all in all there were improvements. It is the beginning of something great, people. Don’t make me be your middle man. Take a gander (not the goose) for yourself!

-T

You fancy, huh?

As I was driving home yesterday, I saw a bumper sticker that said “Just Be Nice”. Now as much as I would LOVE for my first post of the week (sorry for the delay. I know this is long awaited) to be something warm and fuzzy, it is something I cannot do. Not today. With that being said…

It is DWTS time! (What? You don’t know what that stands for? Silly me for assuming everyone watched the best reality show EVER) Well, anyway. It’s Dancing With the Stars, people. And it started last night, meaning my sister and I sat there for TWO WHOLE HOURS commenting and judging and pretending that we know ANYTHING and EVERYTHING there is to know about the Cha-Cha and Venetian Waltz.

News Flash. WE DON’T.

Also, judging is a loose word when it pertains to DWTS. The judging does not stop at the dancing technique. We judge the celebrities. As people. And HATE ON THEM SO HARD. Because UNLIKE the bumper sticker, we can’t “be nice”. This seasons “celeb” lineup proves there is no thirst quencher for the delicious Haterade…

A little preface to DWTS, if you will. 12 celebrities (ABC’s definition of celebrity: wannabe’s, one hit wonders, “where are they now?” child stars, reality show runner ups, aging athlete greats) are teamed up with a professional dancer. And with the help of said dancers, the celebs go on to perform different ballroom dances each week in hopes of perfecting dance technique while gaining high scores from the judges and winning the hearts of America. I know, right? Awesome.

So I present to you, the 2010 DWTS Lineup WITH commentary by yours truly. EPISODE 1 (this is very long,  I apologize…but only a little)

1. Celeb: Audrina from the Hills.

• I don’t know what to think. Are you a celeb? No. Oh, and please wear more clothes.

Dancer: Tony Dovolani

• Last nights show, Shirtless? CHECK. Great smile? CHECK. Super duper nice? CHECK. Also. How much does he look like a mix between Gerard Butler and Eric Bana…Love him? CHECK

2. Celeb: Kurt Warner

• Yawn. I spent the whole time figuring out how to say his partners name.

Dancer: Anna Trebunskaya

• Pronounced, truh-boon-sky-uh.

3. Celeb: Kid from That’s So Raven.

• Awkward. Isn’t he like 12?

Dancer: Lacey Schwimmer

• (guest commentary: my mom and dad) “Her legs got fat”. Enough said

4. Celeb: Brandy

• Remember when she was married for .5 seconds and had a baby? That was cute. I honestly didn’t watch her dance. Not gonna lie.

Dancer: Maksim Chmerkovskiy

• I wish there were words to describe how much I love him. And his chest. And his scruffy beard.

5. Celeb: Rick Fox

• Tall. Handsome. Good dancer. I really have zero qualms about him…except for the fact that he had a part in One Tree Hill where he wanted Nathan to lose his HS championship game. Not nice Rick. I shall forgive, however.

Dancer: Cheryl Burke

• My favorite girl dancer ever. I may or may not have her work out video…that may or may not include dancing.

6. Celeb: Bristol Palin

• STEP BACK Denise Richards, we have a new horrible dancer in town.

Dancer: Marc Ballas

• Adorable. Simply adorable.

7. Celeb: Margaret Cho

• Hi-LARIOUS. She’s one crazy Asian. (No offense Avalon). Also, a horrible dancer.

Dancer: Louis Van Amstel

• Uhmmm. I don’t think I have any snarky remarks? Catch me next week. I’m sure I will have thought of something.

8. Celeb: Florence Henderson

• BAD ASS. Not the best dancer but she’s also like 76. Give her a break. She also said that she writes (wrote) in her journal every night “I will be on Dancing With the Stars”. And look where she is now…ON DWTS. So you heard it, ladies and gentleman, from Carol Brady herself. Keep writing down your reality show dreams and they will come true! Wait. Did I miss the point?

Dancer: Corky Ballas

• Marc’s dad. I found this so endearing. His name is also Corky. How can you be mean to someone named Corky?

9. Celeb: Michael Bolton

• FINALLY a male Kate Gosselin. (and for comedic purposes, another)

Dancer: Chelsie Hightower

• I secretly want to be her.

10. Celeb: Jennifer Grey.

• WHERE DID YOUR NOSE GO? Also, she cried. Like a Baby (get it?) I can’t handle unnecessary crying spiels on reality shows. Go home if you can’t handle it, ugh

Dancer: Derek Hough

• Are you straight? Still can’t tell. But I hope so, cauuuuuuse you’re great.

11. Celeb: Mike “the Situation”

• Honestly, threw up in my mouth. Fist pumping made its first DWTS appearance. Always a sure fire way to lose some respectability. Oh and he actually said “you can hate on me all you want”. Welp, if you say so. As for the FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, “the Situation” tried to be funny and schmooze Len (judge), and Len fired back with, “Did I tell you, you have the guns but not the ammunition?” Hahahahaha. Clean up on aisle GUIDO

Dancer: Karina Smirnoff

• She was once engaged to hottie Maks. How can you let him go? Dumb.

12. Celeb: David Hasselhoff

• Man whores around the world called. They want their sleaziness back.

Dancer: Kym Johnson

• She might be cross eyed…but that doesn’t stop me from liking her as a dancer. (I guess I can be nice)

This concludes my Haterade Parade. Well, until next week.

-T