Things That Don’t Matter

Hello friends,

I feel like all I’ve been doing lately is apologizing for being the crap end of this relationship. I’M SORRY.

I have been HELLA [awful] busy, and I’m just trying to balance everything out. However, today in an effort to forget all things I should be doing [planning a wedding, finding a place to live, working…] I am going to tell you about two things that are bothering me.

#1. Josh Duhamel and Fergie Ferg.

Okay. I know they’ve been married for a couple of years by now, but I’m still very against this union. I saw J. Duh on Ellen this morning and he is so dang adorable! He was born in North Dakota and went to school to be a dentist [adorable]. Currently he is organizing a charity for Japan that involves running and people giving money. Adorable. Personable. Great. It may be also worth noting that he was in Win a Date with Tad Hamilton.  While I don’t really remember this movie, I am sure that he was great in it and only outshined a tiny bit by Topher Grace.

Now. Fergie? She was addicted to Meth. In her wikipedia it states she used HYPNOTHERAPY to kick the habit. Um. Seriously Fergie? Meth is disgusting, and while I applaud your ability to beat the statistics and kick your serious addiction, I feel like maybe you and Josh aren’t cut out for each other. I am an expert on celebrity couples, after all.

#2.

Sigh.

This one really hurts my soul.

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THEY ARE DATING.

I know, my heart is broken too. Apparently this guy’s name is Michael Sheen and he is from London. Or Ireland. Or something. He was in movies like Frost/Nixon and The Queen and I Ruined Avalon’s Fantasy Couple.

I need Ryan and Rachel back together. I may have mentioned it a few times, but seriously when this couple broke up it hurt my heart. They were so amazing together, and it was like a living fairytale after they did the notebook.

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I know, how perfect.

And then just in case I haven’t plunged the knife deep enough into your chest….

Yeah. WHAT HAPPENED.

Please get back together. Kthanks.

That’s all for now folks.

-A

A Guide to Dating My Friends

This small section is called a “A Guide to Dating My Friends” because I am about to get married, so including me in this guide would be distasteful. Right?

Over time that majority of my friends and I have begun to realize a fatal dating pattern. I will happily say that all of my friends are intelligent, hilarious, well spoken, and not that bad to look at [had to knock ’em down a few pegs…]. Oh, are you interested? Well, kind sir, let me tell you the sure fire way to catch their attention with a list of what to do.

#1. Don’t pay attention to them.

Yup.

The list is over.

Yup. That is all you have to do.

It is a disease really. This dates way back to the whole “Bad Boy” hypothetical we grew up listening to. Our mothers warned us of those mystical bad boys, and how the smart kids were the way to go. In this day and age we have a new kind of bad boy that our mothers never warned us about. The elusive boy. He reads in the corner during class, GASP is that a book not assigned? He shows up to the party late, looking lost yet like he knows everyone there. He looks effortless, like perhaps his mom still buys his clothes and somehow he still looks put together. He ignores your sexy eyes from across the room [see: looking cross eyed…] and then ignores you walking by. All eleven times.

Then we’re hooked. It drives us crazy. We want you and all of your elusive glory. Guy buying us a drink? Gross. Go away. Bartender? Gross. Go away. Friend of a friend? Less gross, still go away. Guy who ignores us completely? We’ve now managed to find out where you live, and we will now change our exercise path by 2 miles to run by your house.

And there you have it. Mystery solved.

-A

PS. It is never a coincidence when you run into us. Just saying.

“I like my bologna like a martini…with an olive.”

Per the request of my beloved friend/author, Avalon, I am here talking about ALCOHOL. More importantly, my first cocktail I had the joy (was it though) of drinking.

To begin, I’d like to state that I didn’t have A SIP of anything alcoholic until the end of the fall semester of my freshman year at college. I was/is what you call a goody-two-shoes. Nonetheless I ventured to a party and had my first sip(s) of Natty Light. Gross. I still don’t like beer. Unless I am at a sporting event, or someone tricked me into playing flip cup.

As Avalon pointed out, though, beer is not a cocktail. Lucky for me I remember EXACTLY what my first cocktail was. It is the biggest joke of a “cocktail”, and I am ashamed…

Raspberry Smirnoff Malt Beverage

It’s been 4 years since my first cocktail and I wish I could say that I have become more sophisticated and classy, although that would be a lie. Sometimes I have a liquor store meltdown and don’t know what to get, so I get what I think is “ole reliable”. Then I drink all 6 and feel like dying for days and wish that my 19 year old self would’ve spoken up and said, “NO NO, PUT IT AWAY”. I never put it away. I always think it’s gotten better. It hasn’t.

I’d really love for someone else to write what their first cocktail was. I’m hoping someone’s was Green Apple Smirnoff. Because honestly, those are disgusting and make my raspberry cocktail seem like an amaretto sour (love).

-T

P.S. Yes that’s a Jim Gaffigan quote for my title. And I too have never had a martini. Mostly because I’d want to order both an onion and an olive, and I know people would judge. I can’t handle that judgement.

P.P.S. That picture is of me on my 21st birthday. I have documented proof that the first drink I ordered legally was a rum and coke. Hilarious.

Listen, I’m a player. But I shut down my playerness from New Years to St. Patty’s Day just so I can avoid this day

Just as a quick preface: Unlike my Valentine’s Day quote above, I am not that person who despises or is a bitter mess when it comes to Valentine’s Day. I AM that girl who eats an inordinate amount of chocolates. But that’s besides the point.

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day, as we all know I am sure. I received a Valentines text/call/gift from only a handful of people. Only 2 of them were guys. Well actually 3. But the other was my dad. One of the guys has a girlfriend and the other one, I want to be his girlfriend. I WISH I WAS JOKING. But anyway, I’M NOT BITTER.

Regardless, this post is not about my lack of suitors. It is, in fact, about a text I got. Not from a friend. Not from a potential boyfriend. But from my Gramma Di (yes, that’s what we call her).

I don’t know if any of you have gone to the site, When Parents Text but it is HILARIOUS. I die when I read them. As I have stated before, my mother is the funniest at her texts and emails (and not in the, “oh she doesn’t know how to use technology” type of way. But just because she’s funny. Idk.) so when I read the site I immediately think of her. Well yesterday, my Gramma is rapidly becoming a close second to the hilarity of texting. I have included the conversation (obviously, otherwise this is just a tease post) and have spared zero details.

Gramma Di: Happy valentines 2 u we lv u very much. Lv gdi & gdaddy

Me: Happy Valentine’s day! Love y’all! Are you doing anything exciting?

Gramma Di: Yes going to golden corral & buy paint

Me: Hahaa that’ll be fun! Eat some dinner rolls for me!

Gramma Di: That’s rite ha ha. How did u do at kick ball yesterday?

Me: Omg we won the championship! Woo! It was a good game. We won 6-3.

Gramma Di: Very good, did u score?

Me: I did! I’m not too shabby gramma di haha

Gramma Di: U are the best. U are in my book. Chip off the old block

Me: Haha I do get it after you!

Gramma Di: Ur my angel. U & Kasey r the best

And then it ended. I don’t know why, the whole conversation had me CRACKING UP. Not only do I wish I went to Golden Corral for Valentine’s Day, but I wish I could do text shorthand. She rocked it. And just to note, my Gramma Di is 66 years old. Her ringtone at one point in time was, “Don’t Cha”. As in, “don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me”. She said she wanted that ringtone because she “liked the beat”. Oh. Okay. Hilariouuussss.

Hope everyone had a fabulous day!

-T

PS – My mother sent me a link to a song, and I love it. Maybe for the beat? I don’t know. Enjoy. And in the words of my mom,  ” Some of the lyrics are cheap time whore…lol ha ha”. Already enjoying it, mother.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bb6cBKE3WzQ

Every Step You Take, I’ll Be Watching You

Hello my darlings,

My ex boyfriend is stalking me.

Not really.

But a little bit.

The supermarket.

The gym.

Town.

The gym again.

I think it is time for someone to move.

That someone being me.

 

-A

Golden Globe Recap: Because You Care

Hello Friends!

I know, it has been a stone age since we last spoke. All of my apologies, I have been preoccupied with BLIZZARD after BLIZZARD the North East has been dealing with as of late. Seriously, I shall show you:

This is the snow mountain outside of my job. Completely unnecessary. I work in the center of town, what the EFF.

Regardless. I thought I would take time out of my day to recap the Golden Globe winners vs our predictions.

Best Picture, Drama:

Our Predictions: Avalon – Inception. Taryn – The Fighter.

Winner: The Social Network. UGH. I hated it. Whatever.

Best Picture, Comedy/ Musical:

Our Predictions: Avalon- Red, Taryn- Alice in Wonderland

Winner: The Kids are Alright. I saw it, I accept.

Best Actress, Drama:

Our Predictions: Avalon- Natalie Portman, Taryn- Michelle Williams

Winner: Natalie Portman! Finally! We got one right!

Best Actor, Drama:

Our Predictions: Avalon- Ryan Gosling, Taryn- James Franco

Winner: Colin Firth. He really deserved this award, so I am pleased. Apparently we were blinded by hotness so couldn’t predict correctly.

Best Actress, Comedy:

Our Predictions: Avalon – Anne Hathaway, Taryn – Anne Hathaway

Winner: Anette Benning. I saw this movie also, and it was good, but I wasn’t sure I thought it was award winning. Apparently I was incorrect.

Best Actor, Comedy:

Our Predictions: Jake Gyllenhaal across the board. We were blinded. Again.

Winner: Paul Giamatti. Hmm.

Best TV Series, Drama:

Our Predictions: Avalon – Dexter, Taryn – Mad Men

Winner: Boardwalk Empire. We are seriously failing at this prediction bit.

Best Actor, TV Drama:

Our Predictions: Avalon – Michael C. Hall, Taryn – Jon Hamm

Winner: Steve Buschemi

Best Actress, TV Comedy:

Our Predictions: Avalon- Edie Falco, Taryn – Tina Fey

Winner: Laura Linney

Best Actor, TV Comedy:

Our Predictions: Steve Carell across the board

Winner: Jim Parsons. WHAT.

Best Animated Film:

Prediction: Avalon – Tangled, Taryn – How to Train Your Dragon

Winner: Toy Story 3. I accept.

Best Supporting Actress, TV:

Prediction: Avalon – Julia Stiles, Taryn – Sofia Vergara

Winner: Jane Lynch. A completely acceptable winner. Love her.

Best Supporting Actor, TV:

Prediction: Avalon – Eric Stonestreet, Taryn – Chris Colfer

Winner: Chris Colfer. GOOD JOB TARYN!

Best TV Series/Comedy:

Prediction: We both chose Modern Family

Winner: Glee. We love Glee too, so we will let this one slide.

 

There you have it folks. Our predictions side by side with the actual award winners.

Moral of the story? We seriously have no idea what we are talking about. Thank god we aren’t gamblers.

-A

A Little Ditty on Addiction

Ditty: noun. A short, simple song.

This is in fact, not a ditty.

REGARDLESS.

Last night I had the pleasure of watching the ridiculous lineup that is TLC any night of the week. To my surprise and delight I stumbled upon a new show dubiously named “My Strange Addiction”. Let’s just say this name hardly does this show justice. STRANGE is only the tip of the iceberg on this baby [this is the SAME iceberg that sunk the Titanic and ultimately killed Jack Dawson].

Last night’s episode focused on two women who were addicted to two very different things. Woman 1 was addicted to eating toilet paper. Yes. Toilet paper. Perhaps the most irritating thing about her was that she kept calling it ’tissue’. She was stupid.

Woman 2 was addicted to sleeping with her blow dryer. She liked it in the bed, turned on. SERIOUSLY. This was mind boggling to me on a million different obvious levels. She had scars all over her arm from the coils of the blow dryer that she KEEPS IN HER BED. At the end of the episode her therapist suggests that she write a letter to her obsession letting it go:

“Dear Blow Dryer…” I wish I was kidding.

This GEM of reality television is on TLC on Wednesday nights at 8pm or something. Maybe 9pm? I’m sure you can watch episodes online if you are desperate or if you live without cable [like a champ]. Please watch this show and support the devil network known as TLC.

Why a devil network you ask? I will give you 5 reasons.

#1. Sarah Palin’s Alaska

#2. Kate Gosselin

#3. Toddlers in Tiaras

#4. I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant

#5. What Not to Wear [I’m sorry, I can’t stand that lady and clearly purple and navy go really well together…]

-A

Like The Soup, I watch TV so you don’t have to. With Joel McHale. I wish.

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