That Time I Threw a Fit

Hello friends.

The other day I was dilligently doing some bookkeeping per my job title at my place of work when I realized not only do I;

a) Get paid the lest

b) Do the most work

c) See how much everyone else gets paid

I am am also the only employee [out of 4 let’s be real] that doesn’t have their health insurance covered. During this ridiculous realization I decided to be a little more ballsy than I normally am, and pose the question “why pray tell, am I the only one who doesn’t get their awful visits to the doctor’s paid for?”. My boss promised to talk it over with his boss, and I felt victorious. Until the next day.

The boss came in and told me that as a company we just don’t have the financial means to pay for my health insurance right now. Mind you, my health insurance is literally $59 a month. That’s right. FIFTY-NINE. We have a water bubbler at the office that is more than half that a month. NOT A BIG DEAL. No one asked me how much [or how cheap] my insurance was, so how could they know they couldn’t afford it? Needless to say I stormed out and quit [see: said it was fine and returned to typing furiously].

I am INCREDIBLY bitter that they won’t pay my insurance, and now it’s just the principle. Obviously I can afford fifty nine dollars a month. HOWEVER, if I can afford it then obviously so can the company that pays me.

Due to this bitterness, I flipped out a few days later about my wired mouse. I overreacted like a psycho because it kept getting caught behind my keyboard. I immediately insisted that I be ordered a wireless mouse on the company’s dime. PRONTO.

I came back from the weekend and my wireless mouse sat there on my desk staring at me, looking kind of like an insurance co-payment for one month.

Whatever.

-A

What is my life?

Hello Mis Amigos,

It has been a few days since we posted, so here I am writing to ya’ll, ultimately being the better blogger.

[did you hear that TARYN?]

So this past weekend was Halloween…but who cares because THE WEIRDEST THING JUST HAPPENED TO ME AT WORK. I have so many hilarious work stories, I feel like I should write a book (or a blog?). I have worked in a couple of places, and nowhere is ever normal. Maybe I just attract the weird?

When I was 16 I worked at a fancy shmancy (oh you fancy huh?) restaurant near my hometown. The owners secretly hated me and I secretly had a crush on everyone who worked in there. [I WAS 16 AND HORMONAL OK??] Regardless, there was one couple who would come in once a week, every holiday, and every other reason to eat food. The husband was the architect who designed the restaurant, and the wife was a bitch. You heard me. When they were eating there, women weren’t allowed to approach the table for any reason. It was my job to fill people up with water and drinks along with keeping bread and expensive olives on their table, and this lady prevented me from doing my job. And was clearly crazy, because her husband was NOT A CATCH.

When I was 18 I worked at Victoria’s Secret. Yes, I will hold while you all laugh at me. It was AWFUL. My boss was a heinous human being, and I was the only one who worked there who could do math (and that is sad, because I am so bad at math). Given my natural skills I was put on register every day I worked. I was forced to ask for phone numbers when I checked people out, so Victoria’s Secret could infiltrate yet another facet of their lives. Men buying lingerie for their significant others would always act like I was asking for their phone numbers, and would ask if I would be calling them later. “Yes! How did you KNOW I love trashy guys who pick up girls in lingerie stores while they are shopping for another girl’s unmentionables”.  (One time, a guy told me I looked like the same size as his girlfriend, and asked me to model some stuff for him. Oh okay, let me get on that Creepy McCreepy pants).

When I was 18.5 I worked at an Inn and literally everything about it was weird. We dealt with drunk people, prostitutes, millionaires, Black Cards, annoying coworkers…you name it. This was a classy establishment people, and the classier you get, the more messed up things get. It is hard to pinpoint what the weirdest thing that happened there was. One time a group of guys attending alumni weekend FROM NINETY SEVEN asked me to get drinks with them when I got off work. Oh sure, I’ll meet you there in 2 years. One of our crazier customers was an older woman who lived in the area. She would come in, pay with cash, and take HANDFULS of our free cookies. She washed her clothes in the sink, and rubbed olive oil from the restaurant all over her body. In the restaurant. I wish I was kidding.

When I was 20 I lived on Martha’s Vineyard for the summer with some friends. We all got jobs, and worked full time. I worked at a little boutique that sold clothing and jewelry. My boss was HILARIOUS to say the least. He would make me take shots with him before he let me go home some nights. Still not 21 folks.

When I was 21 (22?) I started working at the computer store I work at now. I have a million weird stories (like the guy stationed in Afghanistan asking me the best websites to watch porn on without getting a virus) but I began this post with one in mind. Today (reason for the post) a guy came whirlwinding into the shop. He was heavy set, balding, wearing a wind breaker and glasses. He looked like your average 40 something white middle class american man. He turned out to be C-R-A-Z-Y. Dialogue as follows:

“HI! I am really in the market for a used tower. I will be frank with you, I’ve been unemployed since February, so economy is important”.

“Surree…Well there is a custom built tower right there that only costs 299 plus tax”.

“Well I don’t really do anything on the computer besides check a few sites and email one person. Except I probably won’t be emailing that person anymore. Want to know why?’

“….”

“Let me give you a hint. Don’t get involved with a 24 year old when you are 44 years old (how is that a hint?). I mean, I proposed to her! And I’m married!”

“…”

“Anyway, is there any way you can bring this price down for me at all?”

“Well…seeing as how you are unemployed we could probably take…”

“MONEY is not an issue. I have one point six in the bank. $1.6 million dollars. And that’s not bull shit.”

“Didn’t you just say…”

“It helps to be the last one standing in the company. I’ve been to seven funerals this year.”

“…”

Then he left. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!

Someday I will have a normal job.

-A