Texts from Life!

Avalon : I’m eating tomato soup at Panera

Taryn: I want your life. Did you know you can get a free piece of bread in there. Just waltz on in and say, bitch give me a baguette. And they will.


Uncalled For. Texts from the EX edition

So, I dated my ex for about a year and a half, which was about a year and 4 months too long in everyone’s opinion. ALAS, we broke up…a year ago.

Now, I am not one to cry and wallow in self pity because I don’t have someone at my side anymore. In fact it’s the opposite. YES I buy a tub of Ben and Jerry’s and grab some spoons. Not because I am about to drown my tears in mint chocolate chip while watching girly chic flicks (Avalon’s typical Saturday nights, joking) however….but it’s because I am throwing a party and ice cream is a necessary party item.

So after Mr. Crazy got the ole heave ho, he did in fact keep living up to his nickname. Now, I could go on a huge rant of how crazy he got (move to Europe, what?). Or how bipolar he acted (telling me to buy the new John Mayer cd, then calling me the b-word after I texted back with the word “Why?”. In reality one word SMACKS IN THE FACE do warrant the b word, but still. Y’all are on my side, remember?). Or how oblivious he became (calling me names, blocking me on fbook (ouch, really hurt. not), then messaging MY BEST FRIEND saying he’s going to be in her state and they should “hang”). Now, I COULD talk about such things…but I will not.

A couple of weeks (a month, maybe?) we got back in contact….aka he friended me on Fbook.

Facebook, as we all know, is the devil in html form. It makes seemingly normal people go crazy for hours at a time. So clearly, I accepted.

Lets face it. I was curious about what’s hes up to.

  • Are you still a loser?
  • Did you FINALLY graduate college? -he didn’t-
  • Do you have a job?
  • IN ESSENCE, Did I win in this break up scenario?

Well, my fellow readers, the answer to all of that is….I TOTALLY WON. Hands down.

So APPARENTLY me accepting the impending friend request was his green light to use my phone number again. He randomly calls (I don’t answer, duh). And he texts (I do answer, cause I love the thought of someone receiving a sarcastic and mean text IMMEDIATELY). Now this brings me to the reason for posting…

Last night around 10 something I was getting ready for bed, cause I’m a grandma, and I see I missed a call from you know who. I disregard and fall asleep. Just to wake up in the morning to two more missed calls, all at 1 in the morning. WHO IS AWAKE AT THAT HOUR ON A TUESDAY? Then I go to work and get a text around 12 that says this:

11:52 AM- Sowwy bout the call but i wanted to see if y’all wanted to come out cause we were hangin out with lady antebellum last night.

uhm. okay

1. Am I supposed to be impressed? Cause I’m not. I actually can’t stand that one song she has. Also, why would she name herself something with Lady in front of it…clearly I am going to think you’re unoriginal cause Lady Gaga is the one and only. Moving on.

2. Am I supposed to beSO UPSET I missed out on such fun opportunities if I would’ve stayed with you? Mind you I get a text almost every night to go to some bar…such fun opportunities, alright. I really wish I could piss away a degree and money on cheap beer.

3. Are you a child? Use your r’s. I don’t take childlike gibberish seriously from anybody over the age of 7. Except maybe when people are talking to their dogs (ie Tawyn wuvs the mister Bossyman)

Ugh. I don’t know why I got so annoyed. Btw the conversation is still going on…I blame this all on Facebook.


PS. I just had my first Jimmy Johns experience. DELICIOUS. I may or may not have looked like this…