Vh1’s Basketball [hos] Wives

Hello friends!

It has to be obvious by now that I very much love awful television. Anything on Bravo, anything with the word “reality” in the description, and anything where someone eventually hits another person. This mindless garbage sucks me in and then I am a fan for life, similar to cigarette marketing to underage children. I’m a reality customer for life.

Pause.

A few side notes.

#1. I have never in my life been so angry that I’ve hit someone. Although I am probably not prime reality show material, I am always baffled when someone hits another person on NATIONAL TELEVISION. We all saw you assault them. In college I took an elective dance class and my “teacher” was 3 years younger than me and a complete bitch. After the semester was over I saw her at a bar, elbowed her in the crowd very hard and then told my friend the bartender there was no way she was of legal drinking age. Hello, my name is passive aggressive. Still, I didn’t hit her.

#2. I also watch normal television that is respected. I have made this point before, but I have to keep making it in order to maintain my teeny tiny smidgen of dignity I’ve managed to hold on to.

Resume.

Recently the show “Basketball Wives” has taken over my lazy days when my eyes are too tired to read a book or something. If you have seen this show you know how incredibly ridiculous all cast members are and every situation they get themselves into is. If you have yet to make time in your schedule to watch this captivating train wreck, I will enlighten you. The “Wives” are a group of women living in Miami and trying to maintain friendships with one another. This maintenance is basically impossible because of all the backstabbing, sleeping around, hitting, yelling, lying, gossiping, and general shit storming that goes on. As I was watching the season 2 reunion show I noticed this strange phenomenon that perhaps you will notice also if I explain the cast to you.

Shaunie O’Neal – formerly married to Shaquille O’Neal.

Royce Reed – formerly the girlfriend of and had a child with Orlando Magic’s Dwight Howard .

Jennifer Williams – formerly married to retired Boston Celtic’s Eric Williams.

Evelyn Lozada – formerly engaged to Antoine Walker. Currently engaged to Chad Ochocinco, the football player.

Tami Roman – formerly married to Kenny Anderson and mother of their two children.

Gloria Govan – shacking up with Matt Barnes and the mother of their two children.

Suzi Ketcham – former girlfriend of Michael Olowakandi and mother of their two children.

 

There you have it.

So. Did you notice all that they have in common? That’s right. NONE of them are basketball wives. Not to be a nitpicker here, but isn’t that the name of the show? Given the title, one would think that perhaps at least one cast member would actually be married to some semblance of a basketball player. NOPE. Maybe it is a statement? Maybe Vh1 is trying to say that it is an impossible lifestyle to maintain, that of the basketball wife?

Or maybe they just messed up and now are stuck with a hilariously misleading show title.

-A

 

Don’t Be Fooled by the Rocks That I’ve Got….

Jenny from the Block?!

The roommate fiancée and I have started watching American Idol. I watched the first few seasons, but the other guy over there is a complete rookie. He was shocked at how short Ryan Seacrest is. Regardless, this season is quite interesting. For a change of pace, the judge’s table now hosts Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez, alongside good old Randy Jackson. Steven Tyler spends most of his time oggling young girls while J. Lo tells people that their singing skills aren’t up to par. Um, J. Lo, we remember this. Poor Ben.

Regardless, this season has a few highlights, and I’m excited about them. I am incredibly saddened and only just now recovering from my darling Chris Medina being kicked off, but I suppose there are some good ones still left.

This week we got to watch the guys and girls perform on separate nights songs of their choosing. I was actually disappointed by who is left in the running. Some of the people up on stage were just AWFUL [bring back Chris…]. Mixed in with all the awful were my two favorite performers and hopefully contenders for the title in the end [or I am boycotting the show – dramatic, I know].

For the guys, I am falling in love with the sound and the nerdiness that is Casey Abrams.

He is so good! If you missed his Hollywood performance you should check it out, it is my favorite by far.

For girls, I love the little nugget that is Lauren Alaina. This adorable person is something like 16 years old, and she just has the most amazing voice! In her audition she sang that dumb song from Armageddon with Steven Tyler, and it was adorable.

How cute is she!

Word on the street is American Idol vet Kelly Clarkson already has her eye on this girl!

I am obsessed with this dumb show, so for more updates stay tuned, because I am sure I will be forcing them on you.

-A

Julia and Meg are pretty much my whole weekend

Based on Avalon’s post below, I thought I’d share my movie loves. Guessing by the post title, Ms. Roberts and Ms. Ryan are my staples. They pretty much own the Oxygen channel, as well as a good part of my Sunday’s. No need to lie, I AM TOTALLY OKAY WITH THAT.

Unlike Avalon’s mornings, I hardly have time to make myself a smoothie to go, much less WATCH anything. I don’t ease into my mornings. Instead it’s a game of beat the clock ( see: sleep as long as possible, then throw my hair up in a bun. The clock always wins). I save my tv, couch cuddling, cereal eating for Saturday and Sunday.

I love my weekends, and I love the weekend movie lineups. What’s funny is I own ALL OF THESE, but something about stumbling across it on the television makes it that much more exciting. And now for my list (two in a day? what??!).

Chick Flicks I love and can’t change the channel once I see it’s on, regardless of what breaking news there may be on Charlie Sheen (I joke).

In no particular order, because they’re all awesome.

1. When Harry Met Sally

I love this movie, more than words. I believe I have posted on it before? If not, I should have because it’s a favorite. I love this story, so much. It starts out so simple then evolves into, what I’d perceive, as real life situations. They’re acquaintances, turned friends, turned lovers, turned “enemies”, until they inevitably (SPOILER) get married. All of this happening within like 7 years..they never gave up. I love that part the most, probably. The persistence. With every time I watch it I have the same reactions: Am I high maintenance because I like sauces on the side? Man, I’d love to have a karaoke machine and sing The Surrey With the Fringe On Top (chicks and ducks and geese better scurry…).  I kind of liked the wagon wheel coffee table. Why does Meg Ryan’s hair look so cute in that side half pony tail?! I am glad wide leg, high-waisted pants are back in style. Omg Harry, RUN TO THE PARTY. IT’S NEW YEARS EVE. HURRY. Annnnd I am crying.

2. Pretty Woman

Another movie I have loved since forever. My mom loves this movie and in desperate need to be just like my mother, I watched it and automatically told myself I loved it…regardless of if I understand what it was all about. Then my “love” for it, grew to LEGITIMATE love. The hair, the polka dots, the hotel staff. Everything is great. My only “cringe” scene is the last one. I feel as though Vivian could’ve had a different last line than, “She rescues him right back”. But it’s still a great movie. This is a movie where whenever I am watching it with other people, I feel the need to share my fun fact, even though I know people don’t care- That fun fact being that Gary Marshall uses the same cast in his movies. ie Princess Diaries. Check it out:

Hotel Manager in Pretty Woman=Joe in Princess Diaries

Hotel Desk lady= Charlotte the Queens assistant (also Gary Marshall’s daughter)

Hotel elevator boy= Mia’s crazy, writer neighbor

Clothing store owner (not the bitches who made a “Big mistake. Big… Huge!”)= Paolo (Mia’s hair dresser)

Besides me having useless information pertaining to Pretty Woman, I love this movie and can quote it. My mother may or may not have that polka dot dress like the one she wears while at the polo match. I also may or may not want to steal it. ALSO, the grape stomping episode of I Love Lucy is my favorite episode.

3. You’ve Got Mail

Here we have two people randomly emailing in a city full of MILLIONS, where they walk past each other DAILY, and are business competitors turned friends turned SOUL MATES. Oh the romance! Kasey and I have watched this movie I would guess about 378 times. Which doesn’t seem like a lot, but it is. I don’t even think I am exaggerating. I laugh, I cry, I sing along to Greg Kinnear’s horrible  rendition of  “the horn, the horn” section of the Christmas song. Who would’ve thought that the “only dog’s can hear” AOL dialing static could be so romantic?! If I can quote Meg Ryan, this movie is “152 insights to my soul”.

4. Pride and Prejudice

Jane Austen sure does know how to write up some romance. It doesn’t help that I saw Becoming Jane (don’t see it, you’ll over analyze and worry that a) you’ll never find true love, b) you’ll find true love and then lose it forever. There’s no happy ending to that cry fest) and have Pride and Prejudice up on a pedestal as one of the ALL TIME best romantic movies ever. I saw this movie on a whim the summer between my junior and senior year of high school. I just got my car (Rhonda the Honda shout out) and was ready to hit the road! Unfortunately the closest theater to my house in the boonies was 40 minutes away. So after a quick (see: long pleading call) phone to mother dearest, Kasey, myself and a friend from tennis decided to go see it. We hadn’t even seen previews, but we were like, “everyone loves the book, so why not”. Oh. Em. Gee. I was still in my “I don’t cry for anything” stage (actually, I still am), but there were tears formed. The dialogue, the interactions, the plot…ugh. Sometimes when Kasey and I are feeling puny, we watch the last scene and just cry out of pure happiness. Will Elizabeth get over pride? Will Mr. Darcy put aside his prejudice ways? Will Mrs. Swann ever stop sweating? Always are questions in my head, even though I know the outcome. Side note: Meg Ryan’s character in You’ve Got Mail loves this book. Me too, Meg. Me too.

5. Notting Hill

Ahh, Julia. How you never fail to please. In this dashing film, we have Hugh Grant playing a middle class book store owner (oh hi London version of Meg Ryan in You’ve Got Mail) and Julia playing the ever talented actress, Anna Scott. They meet abruptly where sparks (and orange juice) fly. It’s a rollercoaster ride, but it all works out in the end when Anna utters the words, “indefinitely”. I won’t even say what that’s in reference to, because, well, you need to watch it for yourself. I’d have to say my favorite character is Grant’s roommate. Typical Brit, with a typical potty mouth. Got to love it. This movie also brought back my usage of the phrase, “whoopsidaisies”.

I told y’all Julia and Meg are large and in charge when it comes to my movie watching. I just can’t help it! Now that I’ve filled y’all in on MY personal favorite romantic movies, all I want to do is cuddle up on my couch with some hot tea, or if I am feeling spunky a pint of coffee ice cream. If only we could share it together…and I am saying this in the least creepy way possible.

-T

PS. Although I normally don’t watch tv before work, being on a business trip makes tv watching easy. FYI, Full House comes on from 6-7 on Nick at Nite (yes, still considered “nite”). Then Boy Meets World comes on at 7. You better believe I’m going to start making time for that shiz.

Not Enough Bieber: A Grammy Recap

Hello My Little Worker Bees,

In case you were living under a rock [or out to eat like Taryn], I will grace you with a little Grammys recap. I know you really care, and you couldn’t possibly have read about it by now from any other source. You’re welcome.

Let me start by saying that the Grammys are doing for awards what MTV did for music. Revolutionary at first, irrelevant now. I think I saw maybe 4 awards given away. At an award show. Aside from this GLARING issue, the “award” show was a decently enjoyable way to waste my entire Sunday evening.

The show began with a little Aretha Franklin tribute by Jennifer Hudson, Florence from Florence and the Machine, Martina McBride, Christina Aguilera, and Yolanda Adams. So… I’m not going to say Florence stuck out like a sore thumb but…she should be happy Christina tripped and took the attention away from her. The tribute was nice, but Christina’s obvious impending pregnancy and Florence’s blinding pale skin was distracting.

After the tribute Ricky Martin spoke about something, I don’t remember what, but I do remember he is still hot.

Then came the most anticipated [for some] performance of the night. Lady Gaga. I was not impressed. I think her new song is mediocre, and if she released that instead of Just Dance as her first song ever, she would be lame and not popular by now. Does anyone hear a little of Madonna’s Vogue in this new song? Weird robot talking? Check. She came out on stage in an egg? Whatever. Her dance was lame, her ponytail was once again Madonna, and her face is scary. GASP! I might be over Gaga.

Then came Miranda Lambert’s performance. Kindaaaaaa boring. She sang The HouseThat Built Me, which is actually a really sweet song. She was introduced by her darling fellow country singer/ fiancée Blake Shelton, and that was kind of the highlight of her performance. She was a little nervous I think and maybe self conscious because her dress looked like liquid chocolate. In a not cute way. Is there a cute way? Regardless, she went on to win a Grammy for something.

With a few more dumb comments and probably no awards, Bruno Mars came out to perform with B.O.B. and that girl with the crazy hair. Bruno didn’t sound as amazing as he could, but the performance had a fun motown feel that was worth watching. He looks weird though. Just saying.

Then, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. The Biebs. Justin took the state with his mentor Usher and they both murdered the performance. Sometimes when someone says something was murdered they mean it in a good way, I do not. Dancing and singing can’t be easy, and Usher made that clear. Puberty can’t be easy, and Justin made that clear. Oh dear.

After J.Biebs performed there were some other random blurbs and probably no awards again. Mumford and Sons took the stage with the Avett Brothers, and they sounded amazing. Usually at shows like this, actual talent shines through while sucky talent is only amplified. I greatly enjoyed the performance, and then the brought Bob Dylan out. I mean I know he’s a legend and all…but give the guy a break. Let him enjoy retirement, the nursing home, his old age in peace.

Then magic happened. Cee-lo with some random puppets performed his amazing hit of the year, Forget You [yes, it was censored. This is national television people]. To my delight Gwyneth Paltrow came out to assist Mr. Cee-lo in a spandex Olivia Newton-Johnesque black body suit. She writhed around on the piano while Cee-lo played it in a bird costume. Yes, it was as ridiculous as it sounds. All of this ridiculousness however, made for one of the best performances of the evening. BRAVO. [see below for an awful recording of it]

Lady Antebellum SWEPT at this year’s awards, and I am less than pleased. The song they won for was “Need You Now“. I will wait as you click the link and say “Ohhhh right, that song”. Yes, I know! They one GRAMMYS for that shizz. This song is whiney and awful. I tried to like it so many times because that melody is so darn catchy, but the lyrics. UGH THE LYRICS. “It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk, and I need you now”. Seriously? Is that supposed to sound sweet or inviting? Despicable.

Eminem performed with Dr. Dre, Rihanna, Some Random Lady, and Adam Levine [I know], and I have to say it was the best performance of the night. Rap at award shows, or live ever, usually sounds awful and you are counting the seconds until it is over. This group of performers offered audiences a pleasant surprise with the clarity the performance conveyed as well as the showmanship. I know, I was surprised too.

Then Arcade Fire won the coveted album of the year. Yes, seriously. Who are they you ask? Youtube them, then get back to me. I am all for indie bands winning Grammys, in fact I support it, but I hate Arcade Fire. I’ve seen them perform and they look like kids I went to college with raving around the quad with their vintage [see: Urban Outfitters] garb and their dad’s guitar [see: bought it brand new with dad’s money]. They all wear headbands incorrectly, and scream into microphones. I was displeased.

There you have it folks, my unnecessary, incomplete, biased recap of the Grammys. Four days later.

-A

DELUSIONAL?! MY HUSBAND IS FAMOUS.

Hello my little snowballs.

Recently [yesterday], my little state was hit with yet another dumb storm/extreme snowpocalypse. We obviously don’t need more snow which is evident by watching the news [or stepping outside]. The latest news worthy snow-related scandal was that plow and dumb trucks were ILLEGALLY DUMPING SNOW IN THE RIVER! How DARE they.

But in reality, who can blame them? There is not a parking lot or deserted field left to put the unwanted, unneeded, unwarranted snow, proven by the 20 feet snow drifts as far as the eye can see. It is getting ridiculous, I move we stop this snow.

Moving on.

Today on our hands we have our first ever [drum roll please] BLOG REQUEST. That’s right ladies and ladies [let’s keep it real], a reader wants our take on something! Someone cares! So per this request, the entry today will center mostly around the most ridiculous thing to hit pop culture yet somehow go under the radar since Wendy Williams.

Who is this person you ask with bated breath? It’s Camille Grammer Obviously.

Who is Camille Grammer you ask? According to her Wikipedia page she is a television personality, dancer, actor and model. According to me she is a gold digging psycho path.

I mean look at her? Doesn’t she just ooze crazy?

She is mostly known for being married to Kelsey Grammer, however if you said that to her face she’d rip your eyes out like a banshee. You can see that in her eyes, can’t you?

In order to try and beef her name up as more than just some random guy’s wife, Camille joined the cast of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I’ve said it before and I will say it again, I am in LOVE with Bravo television. I love all their dumb shows, and I watch them all pretty religiously. I love all the Real Housewives because my mind is baffled that people like this exist in the world. It is kind of like watching Planet Earth: Ocean Deep and all of the creatures skimming the ocean floor that you never even knew about. Fascinating.

But I digress, today I will happily provide you all with a list of reasons while MRS. Grammer is the craziest lady out there right now. Emphasis on the MRS. because it is imperative that everyone know she is married [or was, oh snap!]. Welcome to my haterade parade.

#1. She is from New Jersey – Now, if you ever read this blog you will know that I am a New Jersey HATER. Before you get all offended, I know that there are some people from NJ who aren’t completely awful… like my Dad. That’s right, I have the dirty Jerz in my own family. Regardless, MRS. Grammer is from Jersey which only helps to solidify my hatred. Sorry Pops.

#2. She thinks all women are jealous of her – On the Real Housewives she has been caught on camera more than once claiming that women can’t help but be jealous of her. Please refer to the photograph above. I see a scary looking faux blonde with fake boobies and injected skin on the arms of an old man who doesn’t love her. Wait…what am I supposed to be jealous of again? I got lost in all of that horribleness.

#3. She thinks women are catty, and can’t figure out why they don’t like her – Also on the show, MRS. Grammer repeatedly talks about how she can’t seem to hold on to girlfriends and she prefers male friends anyways. Personally I wouldn’t want a gal pal who was convinced I was jealous of her and kissed my husband on the mouth all the time. [Yes, that is real. She has a MARRIED hot male friend named Nick that she kisses on the mouth, like it’s ok]

#4. She has IBS. And did a PSA for it.- For those of you who don’t know IBS stands for Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and it is common in as many as 1 in 5 American adults. It is an awful disorder and I would hate to have it, but come on, a Public Service Announcement!? Really?

#5. She got her start doing soft core porn and Club MTV – MRS. Grammer used Real Housewives as a platform to act like the victim and try to come off as a classy, quiet, lady [she failed]. Her classiness rapidly disintegrated when everyone remembered her soft core porn days following her refined days as a dancer on MTV. Suppperrr Klassy Kamille.

#6. She refers to Kelsey Grammer as her husband. – Now as a soon to be WIFE I understand that it is going to be exciting to call someone my husband, but he will still have a name. MRS. Grammer spends the majority of her time on camera referring to Kelsey as her husband. “My HUSBAND is nominated for a Tony”, “My HUSBAND is moving to NYC”, “My HUSBAND is beloved by all of America”. Wait, who is your husband again? It somehow slipped my mind.

#7. She talks about being famous too much for someone who isn’t famous. – She talks about how crazy it is to be in the public eye all the time, um you chose that lady.

#8. She said she has a Jesus complex. – On the show she was sitting in hot tub with her friends, and she proclaimed that she had helped every single person in the hot tub, due to her “Jesus Complex”. Yup.

#9. She is friends with a medium. During one of the episodes MRS. Grammer invited over her bat shit crazy friend who just so happens to be a Medium. She was crazy and spent the dinner smoking an electronic cigarette. Her friend said, and I quote “Do you know what I love about me? I know when every person at this table is going to die”. WELL. Do you know what I love about me? That none of my friends pretend to be psychic.

#10. She said she isn’t insecure. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. Oh right. Because fake body parts, a reality television show, and a publicized divorce SCREAM secure and confident.

And thus concludes my analysis of Camille Grammer, craziest lady of the moment.

-A

Just in case you want to here this woman speak.

Excuse Me While I Cry My Brains Out.

When I was younger I used to be a stone cold bitch, like Taryn. I used to watch movies where awful things happen, Hallmark commercials, and moving Oprahs without shedding a tear. I used to break up with boyfriends, tear muscles in dance, and get yelled at by my mother without even so much as a second thought to sadness.

Then my younger brother and I discovered Extreme Home Makeover. Every Sunday we would sneak to the television [we weren’t allowed to watch TV?] and watch families in extreme circumstances get their dream homes. We would sit there and cry every single time. Extreme Home Makeover broke my seal of tears.

Now I cry at everything. As soon as tears start coming out of another persons eyes I can feel the tears coming out of mine. It’s ridiculous really, and I wish it would stop. That new Disney commercial where the kids are surprised with a trip to Disney World? I cry. The Folgers commercial where the daughter came home late, but was engaged? I cry. Anything having to do with soldiers coming home? I cry.

But I digress.

Last night I forced my roommate fiancée to watch American Idol with me. Unlike the majority of the population I hate the auditions that suck. It makes me uncomfortable and usually I have to change the channel. Yes, I am that weird. Last night after 2 hours of auditions the last guy came beeboppin into the room to grace J.Lo, Steven Tyler, and Randy Jackson [Mr. Jackson if you’re nasty] with his presence and his HEARTBREAKING STORY.

“What kind of guy would I be if I walked out on her when she needed me the most”

UM OKAY TEARS ALL OVER MY FACE.

I seriously sat there next to my roommate fiancée and my cat bawling my eyes out. I was so touched by this man that if he doesn’t win American Idol then I will personally smack every judge and person in the face. Starting with Ryan Seacrest.  I was still crying after the show had ended. What is my problem. More importantly, how amazing is that man?

-A

Golden Globe Recap: Because You Care

Hello Friends!

I know, it has been a stone age since we last spoke. All of my apologies, I have been preoccupied with BLIZZARD after BLIZZARD the North East has been dealing with as of late. Seriously, I shall show you:

This is the snow mountain outside of my job. Completely unnecessary. I work in the center of town, what the EFF.

Regardless. I thought I would take time out of my day to recap the Golden Globe winners vs our predictions.

Best Picture, Drama:

Our Predictions: Avalon – Inception. Taryn – The Fighter.

Winner: The Social Network. UGH. I hated it. Whatever.

Best Picture, Comedy/ Musical:

Our Predictions: Avalon- Red, Taryn- Alice in Wonderland

Winner: The Kids are Alright. I saw it, I accept.

Best Actress, Drama:

Our Predictions: Avalon- Natalie Portman, Taryn- Michelle Williams

Winner: Natalie Portman! Finally! We got one right!

Best Actor, Drama:

Our Predictions: Avalon- Ryan Gosling, Taryn- James Franco

Winner: Colin Firth. He really deserved this award, so I am pleased. Apparently we were blinded by hotness so couldn’t predict correctly.

Best Actress, Comedy:

Our Predictions: Avalon – Anne Hathaway, Taryn – Anne Hathaway

Winner: Anette Benning. I saw this movie also, and it was good, but I wasn’t sure I thought it was award winning. Apparently I was incorrect.

Best Actor, Comedy:

Our Predictions: Jake Gyllenhaal across the board. We were blinded. Again.

Winner: Paul Giamatti. Hmm.

Best TV Series, Drama:

Our Predictions: Avalon – Dexter, Taryn – Mad Men

Winner: Boardwalk Empire. We are seriously failing at this prediction bit.

Best Actor, TV Drama:

Our Predictions: Avalon – Michael C. Hall, Taryn – Jon Hamm

Winner: Steve Buschemi

Best Actress, TV Comedy:

Our Predictions: Avalon- Edie Falco, Taryn – Tina Fey

Winner: Laura Linney

Best Actor, TV Comedy:

Our Predictions: Steve Carell across the board

Winner: Jim Parsons. WHAT.

Best Animated Film:

Prediction: Avalon – Tangled, Taryn – How to Train Your Dragon

Winner: Toy Story 3. I accept.

Best Supporting Actress, TV:

Prediction: Avalon – Julia Stiles, Taryn – Sofia Vergara

Winner: Jane Lynch. A completely acceptable winner. Love her.

Best Supporting Actor, TV:

Prediction: Avalon – Eric Stonestreet, Taryn – Chris Colfer

Winner: Chris Colfer. GOOD JOB TARYN!

Best TV Series/Comedy:

Prediction: We both chose Modern Family

Winner: Glee. We love Glee too, so we will let this one slide.

 

There you have it folks. Our predictions side by side with the actual award winners.

Moral of the story? We seriously have no idea what we are talking about. Thank god we aren’t gamblers.

-A

A Little Ditty on Addiction

Ditty: noun. A short, simple song.

This is in fact, not a ditty.

REGARDLESS.

Last night I had the pleasure of watching the ridiculous lineup that is TLC any night of the week. To my surprise and delight I stumbled upon a new show dubiously named “My Strange Addiction”. Let’s just say this name hardly does this show justice. STRANGE is only the tip of the iceberg on this baby [this is the SAME iceberg that sunk the Titanic and ultimately killed Jack Dawson].

Last night’s episode focused on two women who were addicted to two very different things. Woman 1 was addicted to eating toilet paper. Yes. Toilet paper. Perhaps the most irritating thing about her was that she kept calling it ’tissue’. She was stupid.

Woman 2 was addicted to sleeping with her blow dryer. She liked it in the bed, turned on. SERIOUSLY. This was mind boggling to me on a million different obvious levels. She had scars all over her arm from the coils of the blow dryer that she KEEPS IN HER BED. At the end of the episode her therapist suggests that she write a letter to her obsession letting it go:

“Dear Blow Dryer…” I wish I was kidding.

This GEM of reality television is on TLC on Wednesday nights at 8pm or something. Maybe 9pm? I’m sure you can watch episodes online if you are desperate or if you live without cable [like a champ]. Please watch this show and support the devil network known as TLC.

Why a devil network you ask? I will give you 5 reasons.

#1. Sarah Palin’s Alaska

#2. Kate Gosselin

#3. Toddlers in Tiaras

#4. I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant

#5. What Not to Wear [I’m sorry, I can’t stand that lady and clearly purple and navy go really well together…]

-A

Like The Soup, I watch TV so you don’t have to. With Joel McHale. I wish.

Our Golden Globe Gabfest

[Yes, that is just a random picture of Kate Winslet with a Golden Globe. I put it there because I thought it was funny. Because it is.]

Best Picture, Drama:

Black Swan, The Fighter, Inception, The King’s Speech, Social Network

Avalon: Hm. This is difficult because I have seen all of 1 of these films. I would love for The Fighter or Black Swan to win, but I think it might be Inception. UGH. I saw The Social Network and if that wins I am calling Shenanigans.
Taryn: This is extremely difficult. I saw ZERO OF THESE. Uhm. I say Fighter (due to Marky Mark, obvi). If not, Inception. Almost positive people pooped in their pants whenever that movie was brought up. I heard the King’s Speech is favored. Which is about King George (?) getting over his STUTTER. I want t-t-t-t-t-o see t-t-t-t-his.

Best Picture, Comedy/Musical:

Alice in Wonderland, Burlesque, The Kids Are All Right, Red, The Tourist

Avalon: Once again, tough because I didn’t see every single film on the list. I enjoyed The Kids Are All Right but I didn’t think it was really award material. Alice in Wonderland was also entertaining, but not that out of the ordinary. I’m going to say my guess for this category is going to be Red.
Taryn: Did I not see movies this year? I only saw Alice in Wonderland. Annd I DIDN’T enjoy. Why? Because as I child I was obsessed with the cartoon. So. Yeah. Change is hard for me when it comes to cartoon vs. live action Disney. If Burlesque wins, I’m gonna vomit.

Best Actress, Drama:

Halle Berry, Frankie and Alice; Nicole Kidman, Rabbit Hole; Jennifer Lawrence, Winter’s Bone; Michelle Williams, Blue Valentine; Natalie Portman, Black Swan.

Avalon: I’m picking Natalie Portman out of principle. I love that girl.
Taryn: I am choosing Michelle Williams, mainly because she got to make out with RyRy.

Best Actor, Drama:

Jesse Eisenberg, The Social Network; Colin Firth, The King’s Speech; James Franco, 127 Hours; Ryan Gosling, Blue Valentine; Mark Wahlberg, The Fighter.

Avalon: Oooo, a toss up. I love James Franco and I think he is genius. He is so random, but so amazing. However my pick for this category is Ryan Gosling. Although I once again, haven’t seen the movie, I already know I am going to love it.
Taryn: UGH MY THREE BOYZ ARE IN THIS. Uhm. I obviously didn’t see any of these, so it is going to be based strictly on looks/my love. I think I am going to go with James Franco. I think I love him the most. And not in a platonic way. Actually none of these would be platonic. But Ryan Gosling is just perfection. Decisions. I will hold strong with James Franco. Yep. Definitely James. (yes, I am still deciding in my head as I keep typing). Okay. Yes. Go James (but RyRy if you win, I always loved you).

Best Actress, Comedy:

Annette Bening, The Kids Are All Right; Anne Hathaway, Love and Other Drugs; Angelina Jolie, The Tourist; Emma Stone, Easy A; Julianne Moore, The Kids Are All Right;

Avalon: I am going to pick Anne. I feel like every other actress in this category played themselves in their movie. Bening was neurotic, Moore was down to earth and ginger-like, Jolie was pretty, Stone was the underdog that ended on top [pun?]. Anne Hathaway however, did not play herself. She played a young woman with Parkinson’s disease, and played the role astonishingly well.
Taryn: I obviously don’t want Angelina. ON PRINCIPLE. I agree with Anne as well. I need to see it. ALSO. She got to make out with Jake-y poo. I hope she tried to woo him away from T.Swift. I will always be Team Hathaway, if it comes down to it. Watch yo back, Taylor.

Best Actor, Comedy:

Kevin Spacey, Casino Jack; Jake Gyllenhaal, Love and Other Drugs; Johnny Depp, Alice in Wonderland; Johnny Depp, The Tourist; Paul Giamatti, Barney’s Version.

Avalon: I think we all know who I will pick. Gyllenhaal it is. Although I love me some Kevin Spacey, I really cannot escape my Gyllenhaal love. It’s blinding me.
Taryn: Jake. All the way. Hands down, pants down. I just made that up. I kind of LOVE it. .

TV Series, Drama:

Mad Men, Dexter, Boardwalk Empire, The Good Wife, The Walking Dead

Avalon: My pick is most certainly Dexter. I love this show, some might say I am addicted. I love the character development and the gripping story line. The writers convinced the audience to love a serial killer, obviously this show is genius.
Taryn: Once again watch none of these. UGH. I say Mad Men. To be different, and the guy is hot. I am almost positive if there is a hot guy in a show, that will always be my favorite. I am very shallow in that sense. I also, have zero apologies for having my opinions swayed because of said reason.

Best Actor, TV Drama:

Steve Buscemi, Boardwalk Empire; Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad; Michael C. Hall, Dexter; Jon Hamm, Mad Men; Hugh Laurie, House.

Avalon: Once again, going with Dexter. Before the current season began, Hall was battling cancer and undergoing chemotherapy. After beating the cancer Hall came back with an outstanding performance in what could be the best season of Dexter yet. His character is multi faceted and Hall subtly exhibits these depths. Hall has you believing you saw character traits you that weren’t portrayed on purpose. They are always on purpose.
Taryn: Jon Hamm, to be consistent. Hottie with a body. (Does he?)

Best Actress, TV Comedy:

Toni Collette, The United States of Tara; Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie; Tina Fey, 30 Rock; Laura Linney, The Big C; Lea Michele, Glee.

Avalon: Oh! This is so hard. For me, I am going with Edie Falco. Similar to Dexter she’s the bad-good guy. She’s a cheater and a pill popper with a heart of gold and a knack for creative medicine.
Taryn: I am NOT saying Lea. I think I might actually hate her, (and yes it’s mainly due to the story Caroline shared with us). Harsh words. But if I was in a room with Angelina Jolie, Lea Michele, Rebecca Romjin and some other girl I don’t like, I’d choose Lea to hate the most. I am going with Tina Fey. I love her. I love Date Night. I love SNL. I love 30 Rock (the three episodes I’ve watched). So yay. Go Tina!

Best Actor, TV Comedy:

Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock; Steve Carell, The Office; Thomas Jane, Hung; Matthew Morrison, Glee; Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory.

Avalon: Steve Carell. For sure. This is his last season of The Office and I think we should let him out with a bang. He brings the laughs every single week with the antics of the world’s worst [or best] boss.
Taryn: Steve Carell, for me as well. I love the thought of him going out with a bang (not literally, ew).  I’m in a weird mood. And Michael Scott is always in a weird mood. We are kin, in tv world. STILL IN A WEIRD MOOD.

Best Animated Film:

Tangled, Toy Story 3, How to Train Your Dragon, Despicable Me, The Illusionist.

Avalon: I am sorry Ladies and Gents, I am calling this one a tie. I loved Tangled, as already mentioned, and I loved Despicable Me. Both were hilarious and so different. I can’t even explain how torn I am. This is like Sophie’s Choice all over again. KIDDING.
Taryn: HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON. I effing loved that movie so effing much. If only I effing cussed. But, I do need to see Maryann do her thaaang in Tangled. Also Toy Story 3 made me cry, so mixed feelings. I don’t like to cry. I also don’t like to think about how sad my barbies are in my attic. So yes, HTTYD takes it.

Best Supporting Actress, TV:

Hope Davis, The Special Relationship; Jane Lynch, Glee; Kelly MacDonald, Boardwalk Empire; Julia Stiles, Dexter; Sofia Vergara, Modern Family.

Avalon: I am so predictable. I am going with Mz. Stiles. The last thing I saw Julia in was definitely Save the Last Dance. You saw it too, don’t lie to yourself. I loved her in that [because I was 12] so I was hesitant to see how her role, character, and acting skills would play out on the world’s greatest show. She is amazing! All my worries thrown out the window, and I spend my new found worry-free time watching her mess people up on Dexter.
Taryn: I would say Sofia Vergara, because Modern Family is awesome. HOWEVER. I am jealous at how pretty and boob-y she is, so I am going against her. I am saying Jane Lynch. I love her and her mean, cold heart. Once again, we are tv kin. Also, I loved Save the Last Dance. Obviously, I wanted to take up dance. Obviously I wanted to wear Timberlands. Obviously I got a pair. Obviously I don’t want to talk about it.

Best Supporting Actor, TV:

Chris Colfer, Glee; Chris Noth, The Good Wife; Scott Caan, Hawaii Five-o; David Strathairn, Temple Grandin; Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family.

Avalon: While I love Chris Colfer and think he is an important character, I am going with Eric Stonestreet. Eric plays Cam of Mitchell and Cam on Modern Family and they seriously make the show. They are the most amazing gay couple with the cutest child, and Eric SHINES as multi talented Cam.
Taryn: While I love Chris Colfer and think he is an important character, I am going with…joking., I do not plagiarise. I do love me some Kurt on Glee, but I love me some Cam more. Seriously, I die. I want to be his friend. I also want to see his acceptance speech.

TV Series, Comedy:

30 Rock, The Big Bang Theory, The Big C, Glee, Modern Family, Nurse Jackie

Avalon: As previously mentioned I love 30 Rock, Glee, Modern Family, and Nurse Jackie. This year however, I think the trophy err.. Globe goes to Modern Family. This show has me in stitches [do people still say that?]
Taryn: Before I choose, I would love to ask WHY ISN’T HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER ON HERE. Regardless, I choose Modern Family for me too. I am bleeding everywhere from laughing, I need some stitches. Joke too far? I don’t know. You know how I do. (Cyber high five, SMACK*)

-A&T

The Celtics; a gateway drug

I’m a New England girl through and through, and the one aspect of my brash personality that was missing proved to be a love for the Celtics. Last year I really got into watching them, mostly because I was avoiding my senior thesis.

Not a big deal.

Last spring my neighbor purchased an absurdly large television because he had nothing better to spend the money on. Every time I went over to harass say hi to him, he was watching the Celtics on this massive expanse in the living room. Finally after days of walking in on sweaty men, I decided to sit down and take a gander at this so called basketball game.

Annnnd I was hooked. I’m what you would call indoorsy… not really, but I hate watching sports on television. Put me at a live game, and I will be as happy as a pig in mud [literally] but on TV? I could die. I really got into the Celtics though, and ultimately forced all my friends into as well. We would congregate with the neighbor and others, watch the pores [big tv, remember?] of the C’s players, and commentate.

“Excellent three pointer!”

“Do you think Kevin Garnett is bald in real life?”

“Have you seen how pretty his wife is?”

“Did you notice Doc Rivers and the guy behind him are wearing the same tie?”

Okay, not to go all stereotypical on ya’ll, but those are real conversation excerpts. We do also enjoy the game, the sport, and the players.

But I digress.

I am now a huge Celtics fan; I watch the games, go to games, and talk about them in normal conversation. This new fandom excited the roommate fiance, and we decided to make the ultimate plunge into adulthood and sign up for cable after resisting it for years. Literally years. My mother made SURE we never had the joy of cable throughout my entire childhood [yes she was one of THOSE mothers]. We reasoned that cable would cost less than the amount of money we would spend on beers at a sports bar where we would be watching the Celtics kick ass.  Valid. Valid?

Regardless. We’ve had cable for exactly 13 days and I can already tell it’s a problem. At first we watched Celtics games only. Then by day 3 it was a disease. I wake up in the morning and watch the Ellen Show while I am getting ready for work/eating breakfast/doing morning yoga [shut up]. I get home from work and I watch Law and Order, The Office, Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice [yes, I am the one person that still watches that], All shows on Bravo, Teen Mom, Dirty Jobs, Community….the list goes on. I went from 0 to 60 in a mere 3 days. I now have a television schedule like all of those people I pitied.

In short, I need a hobby and a life, because I cannot watch that much television.

A special thank you to The Celtics for getting me hooked. Comcast owes you commission.

-A