Vh1’s Basketball [hos] Wives

Hello friends!

It has to be obvious by now that I very much love awful television. Anything on Bravo, anything with the word “reality” in the description, and anything where someone eventually hits another person. This mindless garbage sucks me in and then I am a fan for life, similar to cigarette marketing to underage children. I’m a reality customer for life.

Pause.

A few side notes.

#1. I have never in my life been so angry that I’ve hit someone. Although I am probably not prime reality show material, I am always baffled when someone hits another person on NATIONAL TELEVISION. We all saw you assault them. In college I took an elective dance class and my “teacher” was 3 years younger than me and a complete bitch. After the semester was over I saw her at a bar, elbowed her in the crowd very hard and then told my friend the bartender there was no way she was of legal drinking age. Hello, my name is passive aggressive. Still, I didn’t hit her.

#2. I also watch normal television that is respected. I have made this point before, but I have to keep making it in order to maintain my teeny tiny smidgen of dignity I’ve managed to hold on to.

Resume.

Recently the show “Basketball Wives” has taken over my lazy days when my eyes are too tired to read a book or something. If you have seen this show you know how incredibly ridiculous all cast members are and every situation they get themselves into is. If you have yet to make time in your schedule to watch this captivating train wreck, I will enlighten you. The “Wives” are a group of women living in Miami and trying to maintain friendships with one another. This maintenance is basically impossible because of all the backstabbing, sleeping around, hitting, yelling, lying, gossiping, and general shit storming that goes on. As I was watching the season 2 reunion show I noticed this strange phenomenon that perhaps you will notice also if I explain the cast to you.

Shaunie O’Neal – formerly married to Shaquille O’Neal.

Royce Reed – formerly the girlfriend of and had a child with Orlando Magic’s Dwight Howard .

Jennifer Williams – formerly married to retired Boston Celtic’s Eric Williams.

Evelyn Lozada – formerly engaged to Antoine Walker. Currently engaged to Chad Ochocinco, the football player.

Tami Roman – formerly married to Kenny Anderson and mother of their two children.

Gloria Govan – shacking up with Matt Barnes and the mother of their two children.

Suzi Ketcham – former girlfriend of Michael Olowakandi and mother of their two children.

 

There you have it.

So. Did you notice all that they have in common? That’s right. NONE of them are basketball wives. Not to be a nitpicker here, but isn’t that the name of the show? Given the title, one would think that perhaps at least one cast member would actually be married to some semblance of a basketball player. NOPE. Maybe it is a statement? Maybe Vh1 is trying to say that it is an impossible lifestyle to maintain, that of the basketball wife?

Or maybe they just messed up and now are stuck with a hilariously misleading show title.

-A

 

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Don’t Be Fooled by the Rocks That I’ve Got….

Jenny from the Block?!

The roommate fiancée and I have started watching American Idol. I watched the first few seasons, but the other guy over there is a complete rookie. He was shocked at how short Ryan Seacrest is. Regardless, this season is quite interesting. For a change of pace, the judge’s table now hosts Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez, alongside good old Randy Jackson. Steven Tyler spends most of his time oggling young girls while J. Lo tells people that their singing skills aren’t up to par. Um, J. Lo, we remember this. Poor Ben.

Regardless, this season has a few highlights, and I’m excited about them. I am incredibly saddened and only just now recovering from my darling Chris Medina being kicked off, but I suppose there are some good ones still left.

This week we got to watch the guys and girls perform on separate nights songs of their choosing. I was actually disappointed by who is left in the running. Some of the people up on stage were just AWFUL [bring back Chris…]. Mixed in with all the awful were my two favorite performers and hopefully contenders for the title in the end [or I am boycotting the show – dramatic, I know].

For the guys, I am falling in love with the sound and the nerdiness that is Casey Abrams.

He is so good! If you missed his Hollywood performance you should check it out, it is my favorite by far.

For girls, I love the little nugget that is Lauren Alaina. This adorable person is something like 16 years old, and she just has the most amazing voice! In her audition she sang that dumb song from Armageddon with Steven Tyler, and it was adorable.

How cute is she!

Word on the street is American Idol vet Kelly Clarkson already has her eye on this girl!

I am obsessed with this dumb show, so for more updates stay tuned, because I am sure I will be forcing them on you.

-A

Julia and Meg are pretty much my whole weekend

Based on Avalon’s post below, I thought I’d share my movie loves. Guessing by the post title, Ms. Roberts and Ms. Ryan are my staples. They pretty much own the Oxygen channel, as well as a good part of my Sunday’s. No need to lie, I AM TOTALLY OKAY WITH THAT.

Unlike Avalon’s mornings, I hardly have time to make myself a smoothie to go, much less WATCH anything. I don’t ease into my mornings. Instead it’s a game of beat the clock ( see: sleep as long as possible, then throw my hair up in a bun. The clock always wins). I save my tv, couch cuddling, cereal eating for Saturday and Sunday.

I love my weekends, and I love the weekend movie lineups. What’s funny is I own ALL OF THESE, but something about stumbling across it on the television makes it that much more exciting. And now for my list (two in a day? what??!).

Chick Flicks I love and can’t change the channel once I see it’s on, regardless of what breaking news there may be on Charlie Sheen (I joke).

In no particular order, because they’re all awesome.

1. When Harry Met Sally

I love this movie, more than words. I believe I have posted on it before? If not, I should have because it’s a favorite. I love this story, so much. It starts out so simple then evolves into, what I’d perceive, as real life situations. They’re acquaintances, turned friends, turned lovers, turned “enemies”, until they inevitably (SPOILER) get married. All of this happening within like 7 years..they never gave up. I love that part the most, probably. The persistence. With every time I watch it I have the same reactions: Am I high maintenance because I like sauces on the side? Man, I’d love to have a karaoke machine and sing The Surrey With the Fringe On Top (chicks and ducks and geese better scurry…).  I kind of liked the wagon wheel coffee table. Why does Meg Ryan’s hair look so cute in that side half pony tail?! I am glad wide leg, high-waisted pants are back in style. Omg Harry, RUN TO THE PARTY. IT’S NEW YEARS EVE. HURRY. Annnnd I am crying.

2. Pretty Woman

Another movie I have loved since forever. My mom loves this movie and in desperate need to be just like my mother, I watched it and automatically told myself I loved it…regardless of if I understand what it was all about. Then my “love” for it, grew to LEGITIMATE love. The hair, the polka dots, the hotel staff. Everything is great. My only “cringe” scene is the last one. I feel as though Vivian could’ve had a different last line than, “She rescues him right back”. But it’s still a great movie. This is a movie where whenever I am watching it with other people, I feel the need to share my fun fact, even though I know people don’t care- That fun fact being that Gary Marshall uses the same cast in his movies. ie Princess Diaries. Check it out:

Hotel Manager in Pretty Woman=Joe in Princess Diaries

Hotel Desk lady= Charlotte the Queens assistant (also Gary Marshall’s daughter)

Hotel elevator boy= Mia’s crazy, writer neighbor

Clothing store owner (not the bitches who made a “Big mistake. Big… Huge!”)= Paolo (Mia’s hair dresser)

Besides me having useless information pertaining to Pretty Woman, I love this movie and can quote it. My mother may or may not have that polka dot dress like the one she wears while at the polo match. I also may or may not want to steal it. ALSO, the grape stomping episode of I Love Lucy is my favorite episode.

3. You’ve Got Mail

Here we have two people randomly emailing in a city full of MILLIONS, where they walk past each other DAILY, and are business competitors turned friends turned SOUL MATES. Oh the romance! Kasey and I have watched this movie I would guess about 378 times. Which doesn’t seem like a lot, but it is. I don’t even think I am exaggerating. I laugh, I cry, I sing along to Greg Kinnear’s horrible  rendition of  “the horn, the horn” section of the Christmas song. Who would’ve thought that the “only dog’s can hear” AOL dialing static could be so romantic?! If I can quote Meg Ryan, this movie is “152 insights to my soul”.

4. Pride and Prejudice

Jane Austen sure does know how to write up some romance. It doesn’t help that I saw Becoming Jane (don’t see it, you’ll over analyze and worry that a) you’ll never find true love, b) you’ll find true love and then lose it forever. There’s no happy ending to that cry fest) and have Pride and Prejudice up on a pedestal as one of the ALL TIME best romantic movies ever. I saw this movie on a whim the summer between my junior and senior year of high school. I just got my car (Rhonda the Honda shout out) and was ready to hit the road! Unfortunately the closest theater to my house in the boonies was 40 minutes away. So after a quick (see: long pleading call) phone to mother dearest, Kasey, myself and a friend from tennis decided to go see it. We hadn’t even seen previews, but we were like, “everyone loves the book, so why not”. Oh. Em. Gee. I was still in my “I don’t cry for anything” stage (actually, I still am), but there were tears formed. The dialogue, the interactions, the plot…ugh. Sometimes when Kasey and I are feeling puny, we watch the last scene and just cry out of pure happiness. Will Elizabeth get over pride? Will Mr. Darcy put aside his prejudice ways? Will Mrs. Swann ever stop sweating? Always are questions in my head, even though I know the outcome. Side note: Meg Ryan’s character in You’ve Got Mail loves this book. Me too, Meg. Me too.

5. Notting Hill

Ahh, Julia. How you never fail to please. In this dashing film, we have Hugh Grant playing a middle class book store owner (oh hi London version of Meg Ryan in You’ve Got Mail) and Julia playing the ever talented actress, Anna Scott. They meet abruptly where sparks (and orange juice) fly. It’s a rollercoaster ride, but it all works out in the end when Anna utters the words, “indefinitely”. I won’t even say what that’s in reference to, because, well, you need to watch it for yourself. I’d have to say my favorite character is Grant’s roommate. Typical Brit, with a typical potty mouth. Got to love it. This movie also brought back my usage of the phrase, “whoopsidaisies”.

I told y’all Julia and Meg are large and in charge when it comes to my movie watching. I just can’t help it! Now that I’ve filled y’all in on MY personal favorite romantic movies, all I want to do is cuddle up on my couch with some hot tea, or if I am feeling spunky a pint of coffee ice cream. If only we could share it together…and I am saying this in the least creepy way possible.

-T

PS. Although I normally don’t watch tv before work, being on a business trip makes tv watching easy. FYI, Full House comes on from 6-7 on Nick at Nite (yes, still considered “nite”). Then Boy Meets World comes on at 7. You better believe I’m going to start making time for that shiz.

Not Enough Bieber: A Grammy Recap

Hello My Little Worker Bees,

In case you were living under a rock [or out to eat like Taryn], I will grace you with a little Grammys recap. I know you really care, and you couldn’t possibly have read about it by now from any other source. You’re welcome.

Let me start by saying that the Grammys are doing for awards what MTV did for music. Revolutionary at first, irrelevant now. I think I saw maybe 4 awards given away. At an award show. Aside from this GLARING issue, the “award” show was a decently enjoyable way to waste my entire Sunday evening.

The show began with a little Aretha Franklin tribute by Jennifer Hudson, Florence from Florence and the Machine, Martina McBride, Christina Aguilera, and Yolanda Adams. So… I’m not going to say Florence stuck out like a sore thumb but…she should be happy Christina tripped and took the attention away from her. The tribute was nice, but Christina’s obvious impending pregnancy and Florence’s blinding pale skin was distracting.

After the tribute Ricky Martin spoke about something, I don’t remember what, but I do remember he is still hot.

Then came the most anticipated [for some] performance of the night. Lady Gaga. I was not impressed. I think her new song is mediocre, and if she released that instead of Just Dance as her first song ever, she would be lame and not popular by now. Does anyone hear a little of Madonna’s Vogue in this new song? Weird robot talking? Check. She came out on stage in an egg? Whatever. Her dance was lame, her ponytail was once again Madonna, and her face is scary. GASP! I might be over Gaga.

Then came Miranda Lambert’s performance. Kindaaaaaa boring. She sang The HouseThat Built Me, which is actually a really sweet song. She was introduced by her darling fellow country singer/ fiancée Blake Shelton, and that was kind of the highlight of her performance. She was a little nervous I think and maybe self conscious because her dress looked like liquid chocolate. In a not cute way. Is there a cute way? Regardless, she went on to win a Grammy for something.

With a few more dumb comments and probably no awards, Bruno Mars came out to perform with B.O.B. and that girl with the crazy hair. Bruno didn’t sound as amazing as he could, but the performance had a fun motown feel that was worth watching. He looks weird though. Just saying.

Then, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. The Biebs. Justin took the state with his mentor Usher and they both murdered the performance. Sometimes when someone says something was murdered they mean it in a good way, I do not. Dancing and singing can’t be easy, and Usher made that clear. Puberty can’t be easy, and Justin made that clear. Oh dear.

After J.Biebs performed there were some other random blurbs and probably no awards again. Mumford and Sons took the stage with the Avett Brothers, and they sounded amazing. Usually at shows like this, actual talent shines through while sucky talent is only amplified. I greatly enjoyed the performance, and then the brought Bob Dylan out. I mean I know he’s a legend and all…but give the guy a break. Let him enjoy retirement, the nursing home, his old age in peace.

Then magic happened. Cee-lo with some random puppets performed his amazing hit of the year, Forget You [yes, it was censored. This is national television people]. To my delight Gwyneth Paltrow came out to assist Mr. Cee-lo in a spandex Olivia Newton-Johnesque black body suit. She writhed around on the piano while Cee-lo played it in a bird costume. Yes, it was as ridiculous as it sounds. All of this ridiculousness however, made for one of the best performances of the evening. BRAVO. [see below for an awful recording of it]

Lady Antebellum SWEPT at this year’s awards, and I am less than pleased. The song they won for was “Need You Now“. I will wait as you click the link and say “Ohhhh right, that song”. Yes, I know! They one GRAMMYS for that shizz. This song is whiney and awful. I tried to like it so many times because that melody is so darn catchy, but the lyrics. UGH THE LYRICS. “It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk, and I need you now”. Seriously? Is that supposed to sound sweet or inviting? Despicable.

Eminem performed with Dr. Dre, Rihanna, Some Random Lady, and Adam Levine [I know], and I have to say it was the best performance of the night. Rap at award shows, or live ever, usually sounds awful and you are counting the seconds until it is over. This group of performers offered audiences a pleasant surprise with the clarity the performance conveyed as well as the showmanship. I know, I was surprised too.

Then Arcade Fire won the coveted album of the year. Yes, seriously. Who are they you ask? Youtube them, then get back to me. I am all for indie bands winning Grammys, in fact I support it, but I hate Arcade Fire. I’ve seen them perform and they look like kids I went to college with raving around the quad with their vintage [see: Urban Outfitters] garb and their dad’s guitar [see: bought it brand new with dad’s money]. They all wear headbands incorrectly, and scream into microphones. I was displeased.

There you have it folks, my unnecessary, incomplete, biased recap of the Grammys. Four days later.

-A

DELUSIONAL?! MY HUSBAND IS FAMOUS.

Hello my little snowballs.

Recently [yesterday], my little state was hit with yet another dumb storm/extreme snowpocalypse. We obviously don’t need more snow which is evident by watching the news [or stepping outside]. The latest news worthy snow-related scandal was that plow and dumb trucks were ILLEGALLY DUMPING SNOW IN THE RIVER! How DARE they.

But in reality, who can blame them? There is not a parking lot or deserted field left to put the unwanted, unneeded, unwarranted snow, proven by the 20 feet snow drifts as far as the eye can see. It is getting ridiculous, I move we stop this snow.

Moving on.

Today on our hands we have our first ever [drum roll please] BLOG REQUEST. That’s right ladies and ladies [let’s keep it real], a reader wants our take on something! Someone cares! So per this request, the entry today will center mostly around the most ridiculous thing to hit pop culture yet somehow go under the radar since Wendy Williams.

Who is this person you ask with bated breath? It’s Camille Grammer Obviously.

Who is Camille Grammer you ask? According to her Wikipedia page she is a television personality, dancer, actor and model. According to me she is a gold digging psycho path.

I mean look at her? Doesn’t she just ooze crazy?

She is mostly known for being married to Kelsey Grammer, however if you said that to her face she’d rip your eyes out like a banshee. You can see that in her eyes, can’t you?

In order to try and beef her name up as more than just some random guy’s wife, Camille joined the cast of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I’ve said it before and I will say it again, I am in LOVE with Bravo television. I love all their dumb shows, and I watch them all pretty religiously. I love all the Real Housewives because my mind is baffled that people like this exist in the world. It is kind of like watching Planet Earth: Ocean Deep and all of the creatures skimming the ocean floor that you never even knew about. Fascinating.

But I digress, today I will happily provide you all with a list of reasons while MRS. Grammer is the craziest lady out there right now. Emphasis on the MRS. because it is imperative that everyone know she is married [or was, oh snap!]. Welcome to my haterade parade.

#1. She is from New Jersey – Now, if you ever read this blog you will know that I am a New Jersey HATER. Before you get all offended, I know that there are some people from NJ who aren’t completely awful… like my Dad. That’s right, I have the dirty Jerz in my own family. Regardless, MRS. Grammer is from Jersey which only helps to solidify my hatred. Sorry Pops.

#2. She thinks all women are jealous of her – On the Real Housewives she has been caught on camera more than once claiming that women can’t help but be jealous of her. Please refer to the photograph above. I see a scary looking faux blonde with fake boobies and injected skin on the arms of an old man who doesn’t love her. Wait…what am I supposed to be jealous of again? I got lost in all of that horribleness.

#3. She thinks women are catty, and can’t figure out why they don’t like her – Also on the show, MRS. Grammer repeatedly talks about how she can’t seem to hold on to girlfriends and she prefers male friends anyways. Personally I wouldn’t want a gal pal who was convinced I was jealous of her and kissed my husband on the mouth all the time. [Yes, that is real. She has a MARRIED hot male friend named Nick that she kisses on the mouth, like it’s ok]

#4. She has IBS. And did a PSA for it.- For those of you who don’t know IBS stands for Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and it is common in as many as 1 in 5 American adults. It is an awful disorder and I would hate to have it, but come on, a Public Service Announcement!? Really?

#5. She got her start doing soft core porn and Club MTV – MRS. Grammer used Real Housewives as a platform to act like the victim and try to come off as a classy, quiet, lady [she failed]. Her classiness rapidly disintegrated when everyone remembered her soft core porn days following her refined days as a dancer on MTV. Suppperrr Klassy Kamille.

#6. She refers to Kelsey Grammer as her husband. – Now as a soon to be WIFE I understand that it is going to be exciting to call someone my husband, but he will still have a name. MRS. Grammer spends the majority of her time on camera referring to Kelsey as her husband. “My HUSBAND is nominated for a Tony”, “My HUSBAND is moving to NYC”, “My HUSBAND is beloved by all of America”. Wait, who is your husband again? It somehow slipped my mind.

#7. She talks about being famous too much for someone who isn’t famous. – She talks about how crazy it is to be in the public eye all the time, um you chose that lady.

#8. She said she has a Jesus complex. – On the show she was sitting in hot tub with her friends, and she proclaimed that she had helped every single person in the hot tub, due to her “Jesus Complex”. Yup.

#9. She is friends with a medium. During one of the episodes MRS. Grammer invited over her bat shit crazy friend who just so happens to be a Medium. She was crazy and spent the dinner smoking an electronic cigarette. Her friend said, and I quote “Do you know what I love about me? I know when every person at this table is going to die”. WELL. Do you know what I love about me? That none of my friends pretend to be psychic.

#10. She said she isn’t insecure. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. Oh right. Because fake body parts, a reality television show, and a publicized divorce SCREAM secure and confident.

And thus concludes my analysis of Camille Grammer, craziest lady of the moment.

-A

Just in case you want to here this woman speak.

Excuse Me While I Cry My Brains Out.

When I was younger I used to be a stone cold bitch, like Taryn. I used to watch movies where awful things happen, Hallmark commercials, and moving Oprahs without shedding a tear. I used to break up with boyfriends, tear muscles in dance, and get yelled at by my mother without even so much as a second thought to sadness.

Then my younger brother and I discovered Extreme Home Makeover. Every Sunday we would sneak to the television [we weren’t allowed to watch TV?] and watch families in extreme circumstances get their dream homes. We would sit there and cry every single time. Extreme Home Makeover broke my seal of tears.

Now I cry at everything. As soon as tears start coming out of another persons eyes I can feel the tears coming out of mine. It’s ridiculous really, and I wish it would stop. That new Disney commercial where the kids are surprised with a trip to Disney World? I cry. The Folgers commercial where the daughter came home late, but was engaged? I cry. Anything having to do with soldiers coming home? I cry.

But I digress.

Last night I forced my roommate fiancée to watch American Idol with me. Unlike the majority of the population I hate the auditions that suck. It makes me uncomfortable and usually I have to change the channel. Yes, I am that weird. Last night after 2 hours of auditions the last guy came beeboppin into the room to grace J.Lo, Steven Tyler, and Randy Jackson [Mr. Jackson if you’re nasty] with his presence and his HEARTBREAKING STORY.

“What kind of guy would I be if I walked out on her when she needed me the most”

UM OKAY TEARS ALL OVER MY FACE.

I seriously sat there next to my roommate fiancée and my cat bawling my eyes out. I was so touched by this man that if he doesn’t win American Idol then I will personally smack every judge and person in the face. Starting with Ryan Seacrest.  I was still crying after the show had ended. What is my problem. More importantly, how amazing is that man?

-A

Golden Globe Recap: Because You Care

Hello Friends!

I know, it has been a stone age since we last spoke. All of my apologies, I have been preoccupied with BLIZZARD after BLIZZARD the North East has been dealing with as of late. Seriously, I shall show you:

This is the snow mountain outside of my job. Completely unnecessary. I work in the center of town, what the EFF.

Regardless. I thought I would take time out of my day to recap the Golden Globe winners vs our predictions.

Best Picture, Drama:

Our Predictions: Avalon – Inception. Taryn – The Fighter.

Winner: The Social Network. UGH. I hated it. Whatever.

Best Picture, Comedy/ Musical:

Our Predictions: Avalon- Red, Taryn- Alice in Wonderland

Winner: The Kids are Alright. I saw it, I accept.

Best Actress, Drama:

Our Predictions: Avalon- Natalie Portman, Taryn- Michelle Williams

Winner: Natalie Portman! Finally! We got one right!

Best Actor, Drama:

Our Predictions: Avalon- Ryan Gosling, Taryn- James Franco

Winner: Colin Firth. He really deserved this award, so I am pleased. Apparently we were blinded by hotness so couldn’t predict correctly.

Best Actress, Comedy:

Our Predictions: Avalon – Anne Hathaway, Taryn – Anne Hathaway

Winner: Anette Benning. I saw this movie also, and it was good, but I wasn’t sure I thought it was award winning. Apparently I was incorrect.

Best Actor, Comedy:

Our Predictions: Jake Gyllenhaal across the board. We were blinded. Again.

Winner: Paul Giamatti. Hmm.

Best TV Series, Drama:

Our Predictions: Avalon – Dexter, Taryn – Mad Men

Winner: Boardwalk Empire. We are seriously failing at this prediction bit.

Best Actor, TV Drama:

Our Predictions: Avalon – Michael C. Hall, Taryn – Jon Hamm

Winner: Steve Buschemi

Best Actress, TV Comedy:

Our Predictions: Avalon- Edie Falco, Taryn – Tina Fey

Winner: Laura Linney

Best Actor, TV Comedy:

Our Predictions: Steve Carell across the board

Winner: Jim Parsons. WHAT.

Best Animated Film:

Prediction: Avalon – Tangled, Taryn – How to Train Your Dragon

Winner: Toy Story 3. I accept.

Best Supporting Actress, TV:

Prediction: Avalon – Julia Stiles, Taryn – Sofia Vergara

Winner: Jane Lynch. A completely acceptable winner. Love her.

Best Supporting Actor, TV:

Prediction: Avalon – Eric Stonestreet, Taryn – Chris Colfer

Winner: Chris Colfer. GOOD JOB TARYN!

Best TV Series/Comedy:

Prediction: We both chose Modern Family

Winner: Glee. We love Glee too, so we will let this one slide.

 

There you have it folks. Our predictions side by side with the actual award winners.

Moral of the story? We seriously have no idea what we are talking about. Thank god we aren’t gamblers.

-A

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