DELUSIONAL?! MY HUSBAND IS FAMOUS.

Hello my little snowballs.

Recently [yesterday], my little state was hit with yet another dumb storm/extreme snowpocalypse. We obviously don’t need more snow which is evident by watching the news [or stepping outside]. The latest news worthy snow-related scandal was that plow and dumb trucks were ILLEGALLY DUMPING SNOW IN THE RIVER! How DARE they.

But in reality, who can blame them? There is not a parking lot or deserted field left to put the unwanted, unneeded, unwarranted snow, proven by the 20 feet snow drifts as far as the eye can see. It is getting ridiculous, I move we stop this snow.

Moving on.

Today on our hands we have our first ever [drum roll please] BLOG REQUEST. That’s right ladies and ladies [let’s keep it real], a reader wants our take on something! Someone cares! So per this request, the entry today will center mostly around the most ridiculous thing to hit pop culture yet somehow go under the radar since Wendy Williams.

Who is this person you ask with bated breath? It’s Camille Grammer Obviously.

Who is Camille Grammer you ask? According to her Wikipedia page she is a television personality, dancer, actor and model. According to me she is a gold digging psycho path.

I mean look at her? Doesn’t she just ooze crazy?

She is mostly known for being married to Kelsey Grammer, however if you said that to her face she’d rip your eyes out like a banshee. You can see that in her eyes, can’t you?

In order to try and beef her name up as more than just some random guy’s wife, Camille joined the cast of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I’ve said it before and I will say it again, I am in LOVE with Bravo television. I love all their dumb shows, and I watch them all pretty religiously. I love all the Real Housewives because my mind is baffled that people like this exist in the world. It is kind of like watching Planet Earth: Ocean Deep and all of the creatures skimming the ocean floor that you never even knew about. Fascinating.

But I digress, today I will happily provide you all with a list of reasons while MRS. Grammer is the craziest lady out there right now. Emphasis on the MRS. because it is imperative that everyone know she is married [or was, oh snap!]. Welcome to my haterade parade.

#1. She is from New Jersey – Now, if you ever read this blog you will know that I am a New Jersey HATER. Before you get all offended, I know that there are some people from NJ who aren’t completely awful… like my Dad. That’s right, I have the dirty Jerz in my own family. Regardless, MRS. Grammer is from Jersey which only helps to solidify my hatred. Sorry Pops.

#2. She thinks all women are jealous of her – On the Real Housewives she has been caught on camera more than once claiming that women can’t help but be jealous of her. Please refer to the photograph above. I see a scary looking faux blonde with fake boobies and injected skin on the arms of an old man who doesn’t love her. Wait…what am I supposed to be jealous of again? I got lost in all of that horribleness.

#3. She thinks women are catty, and can’t figure out why they don’t like her – Also on the show, MRS. Grammer repeatedly talks about how she can’t seem to hold on to girlfriends and she prefers male friends anyways. Personally I wouldn’t want a gal pal who was convinced I was jealous of her and kissed my husband on the mouth all the time. [Yes, that is real. She has a MARRIED hot male friend named Nick that she kisses on the mouth, like it’s ok]

#4. She has IBS. And did a PSA for it.- For those of you who don’t know IBS stands for Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and it is common in as many as 1 in 5 American adults. It is an awful disorder and I would hate to have it, but come on, a Public Service Announcement!? Really?

#5. She got her start doing soft core porn and Club MTV – MRS. Grammer used Real Housewives as a platform to act like the victim and try to come off as a classy, quiet, lady [she failed]. Her classiness rapidly disintegrated when everyone remembered her soft core porn days following her refined days as a dancer on MTV. Suppperrr Klassy Kamille.

#6. She refers to Kelsey Grammer as her husband. – Now as a soon to be WIFE I understand that it is going to be exciting to call someone my husband, but he will still have a name. MRS. Grammer spends the majority of her time on camera referring to Kelsey as her husband. “My HUSBAND is nominated for a Tony”, “My HUSBAND is moving to NYC”, “My HUSBAND is beloved by all of America”. Wait, who is your husband again? It somehow slipped my mind.

#7. She talks about being famous too much for someone who isn’t famous. – She talks about how crazy it is to be in the public eye all the time, um you chose that lady.

#8. She said she has a Jesus complex. – On the show she was sitting in hot tub with her friends, and she proclaimed that she had helped every single person in the hot tub, due to her “Jesus Complex”. Yup.

#9. She is friends with a medium. During one of the episodes MRS. Grammer invited over her bat shit crazy friend who just so happens to be a Medium. She was crazy and spent the dinner smoking an electronic cigarette. Her friend said, and I quote “Do you know what I love about me? I know when every person at this table is going to die”. WELL. Do you know what I love about me? That none of my friends pretend to be psychic.

#10. She said she isn’t insecure. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. Oh right. Because fake body parts, a reality television show, and a publicized divorce SCREAM secure and confident.

And thus concludes my analysis of Camille Grammer, craziest lady of the moment.

-A

Just in case you want to here this woman speak.

Advertisements

A Good Ol’ College Try

[Welcome back to blogging Taryn! We missed you]

 

Recently after watching the throngs of students pour into the streets after their winter break, I began reflecting on college and if I really missed it. I won’t lie to you, people irritate the hell out of me when they complain about missing college.

When I was in High School ‘adults’ would often tell me to enjoy, because I was experiencing the best days of my life. Really? The best days of my life consisted of strict parents and extreme angst 24/7? The best days of my life included soggy cafeteria french fries and the worst boyfriends of all time? Please.

Don’t get me wrong, I had a blast in high school. Some might say, I had too much fun. I crammed as much fun as possible given my age and my constant lock down into my four years. When I graduated however, I was excited for my life to finally begin.

When I started college ‘adults’ told me that I should live it up because I was about to experience the best four years of my life. Hold the phones, wasn’t that supposed to have happened already?  So now the best four years of my life consist of hours at the library and even worse food? I am supposed to live up four years of drunk girls and bros? Not necessarily my cup of tea. Once again don’t be fooled, I had a GREAT time in college. I packed in the fun and still managed to graduate in four years.

Since graduating in May I have heard the well worn phrase “I miss college so much” enough to fill a novel. Once again graduation was a transition I welcomed, eager to get on with my real life that FINALLY didn’t include school work.

Watching students dressed in hobo clothing however, made me realize there were things that I actually did miss about college.

[Do I sense a list coming on?]

1. Wearing whatever I want. I don’t have a dress code at work, but I try and look respectable most of the time. I was never a wear-sweatpants-to-class kinda girl, but I do miss a few choice wardrobe items. I miss wearing winter hats indoors, sweatshirts of all kinds, and shorts. Basically I never get to wear any of these items anymore because I spend the majority of my waking hours at work.

2. Taking days off. In college I could choose to take a personal day, and my repercussions were always minimal if existent at all. If I woke up feeling lazy [every day] or decided that I wanted to go sledding instead of take notes, I could make that choice and not lose a chunk of a pay check.

3. Staying up late. I used to me the craziest night owl. I would stay up until three in the morning regularly, maximizing my awake time to cram in all the fun. Sure I would be tired the next day, but I only had to sit through class so who cares. Now I have a job where I have to remember things, pay attention, and not look like the walking dead. Hello 11pm bed time.

4. Learning. UGH I KNOW SO LAME RIGHT. I think I am going to end up in graduate school, torturing myself yet again with homework.

5. I miss being able to go a whole day without talking to anyone. At my huge college it was easy to go to every class and not say a single word. Now I am almost customer service and I talk to people all day long. It can be awful.

There you have it. What I actually miss about college. And what would a love list be without a hate list?

What I don’t miss:

1. Homework

2. TA’s [Teaching Assistants. Literally the worst kind of people. In most cases. Shout out to Michella, best TA ever.]

3. College students

4. My awful eating habbits

5. Studying. I hate studying.

 

Do you miss college?

-A

Wingardium Leviosa

So last night I went with the roommate fiance to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

Oh, but it’s never that simple.

In case you have been living on a mountain in a cave under a rock, I will let you know that Harry Potter is a big deal. People go ape shit over this nerdy boy and his prissy wand [yes, I am now receiving hate mail]. Admittedly I enjoy a little HP here and there. I read the books [except #7] and I’ve seen all the movies one way or another. To be perfectly honest, I’ve read books that are more well written and/or more creative but there is something catchy about the accessibility and the easy read Mizz Rowling offers.

REGARDLESS.

The roommate fiance’s dad developed a tradition in the family that involves attending the opening night of all Harry Potter movies. While in theory this is adorable, opening night means movies starting at midnight, several hours past my elderly bed time. This particular time we were meeting the rest of the soon-to-be-in-laws at the theater for 9:30 pm. Thankfully “dad” had been there since three in the afternoon.

You heard me.

Keep in mind that roommate fiance’s parents are legitimate people. They both have full time consuming important jobs and they love the extracurriculars. I can only hope to be them some day with the determination and the stamina to go to a movie at midnight and get home at three in the morning.

You heard me.

Now after standing in line [just to get good seats mind you, we’ve had tickets since september…] for an hour, we finally were let into the theater. An hour and a half early. Let’s just say I ate WAY. TOO. MUCH. POPCORN.

I began this post with the intention of giving you a movie review, although after some very minor consideration I think I will skip that part [mostly so all you weirdos don’t come after me for spoiling it for you. Um here’s something to consider, you ALREADY READ THE BOOK. You know what happens. BAM. Ruined.]

I will instead take a second to talk about the kind of people who wait in line for hours, buy their tickets months in advance, and carry wands around a mall like it’s normal. Now, I am all for enthusiasm [is she?] but their is really no need to get obnoxious.

Obnoxious things I witnessed lat night:

1. People in full costume. Call me a debbie downer but I don’t appreciate costumes on any day but October 31st.

2. Singing of the Harry Potter theme song. Number one, I didn’t even know there WAS a Harry Potter theme song. Number two, waiting in line is bad enough I shouldn’t be forced to listen to your group of friends murder a tune. Number three, stop.

3. Running. Seriously, you need to RUN to the theater?!

4. Reading. People were READING the book AT the movie theater. Um, if you haven’t finished it yet, you are clearly not a real fan.

5. People yelling in the theater. This is not exclusive to Harry Potter time. I hate when people are with a group and they think that they have some sort of power in numbers and it is alright to yell.

6. Feigned surprise. It was pretty apparent that I was one of maybe 3 people in that theater who had yet to read the last HP book. However you would never know if you were basing your judgement on the reactions of the crowd. REALLY? CRYING IS NECESSARY? YOU KNEW THEY WERE GOING TO DIE!

7. Crowd participaton. At one point in the film Ron and Hermoine fell asleep almost holding hands. This seemed to be a secret cue to make the most obnoxious “how adorable” noise one could muster. Get a life, hand holding shouldn’t be that titillating.

You heard me.

6. Clapping. Alright, I know I am not alone in this one. Do not clap in a movie. The actors can’t hear you. The directors can’t hear you. And I that even the people running the movie can’t hear you.

Now that the complaining is out of the way…it was actually a pretty good movie.

-A

But seriously, I am so awkward.

Seriously. What is this picture?

 

Am I wearing a child’s purple headband? Yes.

Am I wearing a shirt that has a tie around the neck so no skin is showing whatsoever? Yes.

Am I holding my asshole cat like he’s my love baby? Yes.

Do I have a ribbon tied around my wrist like a child? Yes.

In short: I’m awkward.

This past weekend my lovely friend Caroline and my new lovely friend Kylie graced me with their presences. They trekked into town to take some lovely photos of me and my roommate fiancée. One might say, they were there to facilitate an engagement photo shoot. [They were]

I proceeded to force them to take 5 hours of AWKWARD pictures of me. They say I wasn’t awkward, don’t listen to their lies. They did an amazing job of somehow making me look non-awkward, but I was oozing the awk sauce.

I live my life like the most awkward human being disguised as a real person, but here are a few ways the awkward rises to the brim…

#1. I keep my headphones in even if my iPod dies because I feel like someone might try and talk to me otherwise. Clearly, I think highly of myself.

#2. On the bus I sit and silently pray that no one sits next to me, and then when no one does I am insulted.

#3. Do you have a subject that is of a sensitive nature to you? Then I made fun of it. To your face. Example: “HAHA NEW JERSEY SUCKS” “I’m from New Jersey”.

#4. I overtip. On a particular episode of The Office Dwight explains he only tips people who do jobs he couldn’t do himself, ie the doctor who performed his colonoscopy. Because I am so awkward, I never want anyone to feel unappreciated. I over-tip barristas, hair stylists, manicurists, servers, ice cream scoopers…the list goes on. My roommate fiancée just stands and laughs at me.

#5. Whenever someone knocks on my door, I am naked. I don’t know what it is, but it happens without fail. I then scramble around to find some semblance of clothing [SINCE WHEN DO I PUT MY CLOTHES AWAY???], and I run to open the door. As I speak to what is surely only the FedEx guy, I realize I am wearing snowflake pants and a Forever21 sequin top. Keepin it klassy.

#6. I have a problem with names. The first issue I have is when someone introduces themselves to me, I don’t listen. At all. I don’t know why. The second issue I have is once I learn their name, I immediately forget it as soon as I go and introduce them to someone else. It’s awful, and obvious. Whoops.

#7. I don’t know how to whisper. This is awkward for obvious reasons.

#8. I don’t like vegetables. I KNOW THEY ARE GOOD FOR ME BLAH BLAH BLAH. I eat them if they are by themselves on a plate. If they are mixed in with other food…let the picking through commence. I sit in restaurants and pick microscopic vegetables out of my bread, pasta, rice, carbohydrates, food.

#9. I. am. so. clumsy. This is a recipe for awkward. I fall UP stairs, I spill food all over myself [no, I’m not pregnant], I hurt myself [and others] all the time.

#10. I LOVE BABIES. [still not pregnant]. I follow them around, try and make them smile, try and steal them, etc. I unfortunately get this from my mother, otherwise known as the child-snatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

How awkward are you on a scale from 1 – HORRIBLY AWKWARD?

-A

“If a guy doesn’t call you, he doesn’t want to call you”

Breakups – we just don’t know how to deal, do we?

I am a female with a slew of female friends and I have seen more breakups than I care to remember. Not to out myself and all of my acquaintances in a stereotyped box, but we have all dealt with these heartbreaks in pretty much the same fashion.

Like crazy people.

Something about breakups really brings out the crazy. I’m not talking padded-room-crazy, I’m talking shrines-in-the-closet and egging-your-house crazy. Now this crazy may fade with time, but it never truly disappears.  You remember that breakup in high school. Yea, the one where you were the one who ended it, but then you had to watch your ex date your rival… let crazy commence. Five YEARS later you see them in your hometown bar looking taller than you remember sipping on some microbrew, and you feel the crazy bubbling to the surface (somehow the microbrew ended up all over his faded button-up?).

Cue: “He’s Just Not That Into You”.

I don’t LOVE all chick flicks blindly, and I don’t even love HJNTIY I just think the movie has a valid point. Maybe a little harsh for our token romantics (dummies), but still valid. In the movie Ginnifer Goodwin [love her!] notes in the beginning that we are programmed to just assume that all guys like us. Our brains are practically ingrained to expect guys who act aloof, indifferent, and even mean actually like us. HOW ASS BACKWARDS IS THAT?! After that warped logic we expect ourselves to deal with breakups like a rational human being. Obviously, that is impossible. We take rational, and we turn it crazy.

Normal tips on coping with a break up, and how we interpret it [see: crazytown]

1. A new hairstyleHow we make it crazy: We do something so drastic, it looks very Britney.

2. See someone new. How we make it crazy: They are friends with our ex.

3. Sleep In! How we make it crazy: We stay in bed for days, develop bed sores, and start a
kitchen between the sheets.

4. Get dressed up and go out! How we make it crazy: We borrow outfits from a stripper and go home with the townie carrying a guitar. Not in a cute way. In a homeless way.

5. Use your phones to reconnect! How we make it crazy: We erase the ex’s phone number, go out, and then call them later anyways. Obviously the number is committed to memory.

6. Meet up with old friends! How we make it crazy: We meet up with people who are friends with the ex in an attempt to complete a “coincidental encounter”, only to ignore them and laugh REALLY REALLY LOUD.

7. Go about your normal everyday routine. How we make it crazy: we stalk. We facebook stalk, old-stomping grounds stalk, we stalk through family members, we stalk through friends….it really is unhealthy.

8. Remind yourself why you and your ex were not a right fit! How we make it crazy: Time-induced memory loss. We forget over time [see:3 days] all of the shitty things about our ex, and we begin to only remember that ONE TIME we found flowers on our step that you claimed to have bought [although they looked remarkably like the flowers planted in the apartment complex…]

9. Distract yourself! How we make it crazy: Two words, CHICK FLICKS. We LOVE to pop in a good movie, and get our sob on. Instead of watching normal movies, we go to the video store in our pajamas with ice cream matting our hair and rent The Notebook, PS I Love You, Titanic, A Walk to Remember, and The Time Travelers Wife. We then convince ourselves that if two people separated by society, two people separated by DEATH, two people separated by a MONUMENTAL ACCIDENT, two people separated by LUKEMIA, and two people separated by TIME can all make it, than so can you and your douchey ex. SOUND LOGIC.

Fellow crazies, it’s time to get real.

If someone doesn’t want to be with you, then why in the WORLD would you want to be with them?! We need to get selfish. I MEAN IT! We need to start caring more about ourselves than our breakups, or our exs. We need to hold realistic breakup movies on a pedestal like Lars and The Real Girl and Forgetting Sarah Marshall [hint: they all move on]. We need to let them go, and move on with our lives. Get a haircut because you have split ends, wake up early and go outside instead of sleeping in, focus on the future not the past!

And stop being crazy.
-A
[My name is Avalon and its been 15 days since I’ve been crazy. We’re all a work in progress]

Well Google, what I really meant was….

We all worship Google, don’t act like you don’t. It’s our go to resource to find out exactly how old Jake Gyllenhaal is, if the bump on your toe is cancer, and where the best place to get cheap mexican food within a twenty mile radius is. We also allow Google to infiltrate our lives to the most extreme.

Google owns:

Picasa picture website

The Android platform

AOL

YouTube

And a whole bunch of other random things I have never heard  of. I literally used google to to google what Google owns. Google to Google time space continuum? I think so.

For the last couple of years, The Googs has been getting a little creepy. I will be minding my own business, checking my email, and adds promoting Free Wings on Wednesday! And THE PERFECT ENGAGEMENT RING pops up on the top and along the side. Coincidence? HOW COULD IT BE?! OBviously the two things I was looking at the most on this particular day [every day?] were food, and engagement rings. I know my priorities. But I digress, GET OUT MY BIZ-NASS GOOGLE.

However as they saying goes, When Google closes all the windows in your life by spying on you, Google also opens a door to hilarity.

Please tell me ya’ll have googled something recently. Google has a feature which is probably only a year old, where the search engine attempts to guess what you are searching by displaying the most popular similar searches.

For example you could type in:

“How old is Jake G”

and

“How old is Jake Gyllenhaal” would show up.

However, why would you Google Jakey’s age, when you COULD be Googling and laughing your BRAINS OFF.

When you type in:

How much is…

Here are your options:

…a stamp

…my car worth

…a cord of wood

I just want to know who Googles How much is a cord of wood. If you’re the type of person who wants to know how much a cord of wood is, you are the type of person who should already know.

When you type in:

How long does it take…

Here are your options:

…to get a passport

…for birth control to be effective

…to get pregnant

…to boil an egg

So these people are trying to flee the country whilst not getting pregnant and making a quick breakfast.

When you type in:

How do you…

Here are your options:

…get rid of fruit flies.

…tag someone in a facebook status

…get mono

HOW DO YOU GET MONO?! Is that a common goal I wasn’t aware of?!

When you type in:

What would a …

Here are your options:

…nerd wear

…wookie do lyrics [<- WHAT?!]

…woodchuck chuck

…dog say

Where to begin with these. Obviously if he could, a woodchuck would chuck wood. SO DUMB PEOPLE.

And the grand finale…

When you type in:

Do mid… [sized rentals cost more than sedans, what I was looking up]

Here are your options:

…[mid]gets have night vision

…[mid]gets have souls

…[mid]gets have normal size genitalia

…[mid]gets bite

Let’s all reflect, and try and use Google as a tool to be a little less weird.

-A

PS last night a guy called me Snooki.

Nail done, hair done, everything done…

Hello minions,

I was blog hopping recently, when I happened upon some old classic tunes I once loved like they were my own eggs in my seahorse brood pouch.

When I was younger I literally felt music in my being. I was angsty, and I would just sit up in my room (Brandy?) and listen to music.

What is upsetting to me is that the musicians of my yesteryears who once provided me so much entertainment, suddenly take themselves seriously. This is an upsetting epidemic that is sweeping our generations pop idols. I don’t want the people I looked up to in my childhood doing adult things! That is preposterous! And disturbing. You are in the public eye people, how dare you change.

Oh you say you want a list of celebrities that have casued me emotional distress by changing their image and proving to me that I am aging?

Done and done.

J. Lo

When I was in fifth grade I saw Selena and cried like a baby (because I was one). This is where my J. Lo infatuation began. Then she graced us with “If You Had My Love“, which I ate up like it was curly fries (I love curly fries, and you loved the song, so don’t lie). Then she started dating P. Diddy, which was like the highlight of my life. I LOVED ghetto Jennifer Lopez.

WHO DIDN’T LOVE THIS SONG?! Seriously this song is a time machine back to middle school or so, and it is a JAM.

Then she became to cool for court cases and guns in night clubs, and started dating Ben Affleck, and her life went downhill from there.

J. Lo then:

J. Lo…EXCUSE ME, Jennifer Lopez today:

Oh you think you’re fancy huh?

On to the next.

Justin Timberlake

Um, who did not love N’Sync? Besides people who loved the Backstreet Boys…obviously you had to pick sides. He looked a little girly, and sang like one too… what is not to love?! Seriously, I loved him.

Look at those eyes! That hair! Side note: I’m pretty sure when you are crazy you don’t get to stay in a padded room with all your friends. Just saying.

Then Justin went and did his solo thing, which was awesome. Now…he’s boring. He goes to charity events, stars in movies, and is lapdog to his less than amazing girlfriend. WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?! YOU WERE A SENSATION!

Justin then:

Justin now:

Can you say downgrade? I can. Downgrade. But seriously JT, where is your Pizazz?! You’ve failed me, please bring sexy back again.

Gwen Stefani

When I was younger, I LOVED NO DOUBT. I would listen to the radio’s countdown every night just to hear Spiderwebs. I was obsessed with Tragic Kingdom and Gwen’s amazing style. She was punk, unique, platinum blonde and super talented as the front woman of No Doubt. It was downright inspiring. And then she ruined everyone’s ears with “Holla Back Girl”. And then….she became a mom. Yuck. Just kidding. [Is she?]

So fresh! So Ska! So California! BRING IT BACK GWEN.

Gwen Then:

Ooo! So grungey, so raw.

Gwen Now:

Ooo how… mom like…. ARE THOSE RACER STRIPE!? Come ON! HEINOUS! Props for the hot husband though.

And this concludes this recap of my youth, and all it’s lost glory.

-A