Her Name was Lola. She was a Showgirl

(At the Copa. Copa Cabana)

Alrighty peeps, let’s end this Hump Day off right with none other than….DANCING WITH THE STARS UPDATE!

I think this might be a day (AND A HALF) late, yes? Whatever. I shall give a recap of Monday nights dancing and last nights result show (so exciting!).

Per usual, there were some ups and some downs.

Per usual, I will be making fun of the downs.

To start, it is only week 3 and I am wondering WHY The Situation is still on there. Seriously. Someone tell me 1) why is he considered a celebrity? 2) Why he shaves his head with that weird design? 3) Why does he wear STUPID things and pretend he is AWESOME? Newsflash. YOU’RE NOT.

Why. Why. Why. Why. Why.

I also took it upon myself (and this blog) to create a Situation Pun counter. I just started it last night (sad it took me so long) and we are at 5. FIVE. In only an hour of coverage. AN HOUR. I will say that one time it was actually said by sideline announcer, Brooke Burke (which after googling to find that picture, saw that she used to be a Playboy Bunny. I lost a little bit of respect for her. And by a little, I mean A LOT). Nonetheless, stop using the pun. It’s starting to become “a situation”.

On a lighter side, his pigeon toed-ness was less noticeable.

With Michael Bolton and David Hasselhoff out of the picture, I almost don’t know who else to hate on (well, besides the aforementioned Situation). I’ve started to slowly dislike Bristol Palin. I honestly don’t know what it is.

Is it the way she acts like a mute when Brooke asks her questions? Perhaps. Is it the way she doesn’t look like she is enjoying herself while dancing (with Mark no less…SERIOUSLY BRISTOL? He is adorable. If you can overlook those hideous earrings, anyway)? Perhaps. I actually started off not minding her. She was innnocent, and cute, and kind of looks like a chubbier Audrina—

(right?!).  But now I just want to shake her and ask her to look alive. Cause at this point in the show you need to be excited, otherwise there are people like me who will not so secretly hate on you.

Speaking of Mark, what is the PDA all of a sudden? He is either kissing Bristol’s cheek or canoodling. Not that I am opposed to public displays of affection, but after awhile I grow tiresome.

As for Kyle Massey (who?), That kid from That’s So Raven, he already had his blog moment this week (see: August 28).

Can we look at that picture one more time? Now look at his hand. HOW TINY IS THAT? True it’s an odd angle, but I can’t stop staring at his 4 year old childlike hands. Moving on.

I should preface these next couple comments…it was Story Week on DWTS. Meaning, there should be a story exemplified through the art of none other than dance (surprise). I am a little confused on how it works, do they choose their own story or do they pick in a hat? I do not know. Either way the stories some people came up with KILLED ME.

Florence Henderson. I am pretty sure when she drew the story (chose it? still uncertain) it said  “Carol Brady meets Maria Von Trapp“. Uhm. Poor Florence. This wasn’t a story I want to be told/danced for me again. She isn’t a contender…which I actually feel bad saying that. But it’s the truth. She is, however, the happiest person I have ever seen. Maybe it is because her partner Corky kissed he.

(ew, old people kisses)

Sooooo I guess, I know now where Mark get’s it, seeing as how Corky is his FATHER. The puzzle pieces are falling into place now, people.

Audrina (her eyes in that pic, bahaha). These girls with these hot pro dancers make it almost impossible for me to focus! I did catch her story. Her husband (boyfriend?) is returning home from war. Which is probably the easiest way to make people cry. Well, not me. I am in fact heartless. Ask my Avalon. Or my sister. Or my mom. REGARDLESS this dance just makes me want Tony to hold me. Which isn’t as weird as it seems. Or maybe it is. I don’t care. I think she did well though? Her dress was at least pretty.

Kurt Warner. Fake teeth? I can’t tell. I mean, he was a football player. That’s kind of a lot of getting knocked around…so I mean, it’d make sense. As for the dance? Don’t remember. I can’t seem to remember to watch him. It’s like I hear his name being announced and I zone out for 2.4 minutes. I’ll try harder next time, for the sake of this post.

Uhm my favorite story, BY FAR, was Brandy‘s (scary). It was like her card that she chose (drew?) was like, be the most cliche EVER. When Maks (yum) asked her what her favorite movie was she said Bodyguard. Yes. BODYGUARD. As in, Whitney Houston’s movie where she is a famous singer (Brandy?) and hires a bodyguard, Kevin Costner, (Maksim?) who used to work for the President. I found this SO hilarious for numerous reasons..

1) Does Brandy really compare herself to Whitney Houston? In other words, does “The Boy is Mine” compare herself to “I Will Always Love You”? INCOMPARABLE. (sidenote: Why is Jerry Springer a part of The Boy is Mine video? Weird)

2) Does Brandy really need a bodyguard? She scares me. I picture her to be that girl who will scratch your eyes until they BLEED while pulling out your hair.

Well, maybe there were only two reasons. So what. I still laughed hysterically when she said that. To get back to the dancing, she didn’t do horrible. Regardless, I give her two thumbs up for actually PRETENDING TO SING as a part of “the story”.

Okay. This brings me to the final three contestants. Rick Fox (rawr), Jennifer Grey and Margaret Cho. One person shows a little too much skin. One person doesn’t act their age. And another goes home. Which one is which, I wonder?

Let’s start with showing too much skin. And the winner is….

RICK FOX

Shocker, I know.

When Cheryl (love her) started to unbotton his shirt everyone (including myself) was like, oooh this is fun. Then more buttons were unbuttoned…Until finally IT WAS COMPLETELY OPEN.

So. Okay. It wasn’t gross or anything, but the stomach didn’t match the face. Maybe it was the mere fact he was an athlete, but I was expecting a little more. I still love them and they may or may not be my favorite couple. Sidenote to all this: Rick Fox is dating Eliza Dushku. (who? is the question my mom is probably asking). Well, mother dear. You not only have heard of this movie, but have SEEN IT. Yes. That’s right. She is none other than Missy (I remember trying to get my hair to do that twirl thing. Never worked), from Bring It On. And when I say Bring It On, I am not talking about the stupid sequels starring Hayden Panitierre and Solange Knowles (yes, Beyonce’s sister). I am talking about the original. Starring Kirsten Dunst, circa 2000. LOVE IT. It is one of my favorite VHS’. I refuse to buy it on DVD. I feel as if it’ll lose it’s charm. Anyway, to get back on topic, they’re dating. Weird.

Alrighty. So now let’s see who the winner is for not acting their age…

Jennifer Grey.

Wait. You’re telling me a 40 something year old woman with a 20 something year old hottie isn’t acting her age?! Once again, SHOCKER. Her dancing was actually great, and I somewhat enjoyed it. But her whole “older teacher flirts with younger student” charade left me a little uncomfortable, and embarrassed. Let’s steer away from creepy, mmkay Jen? Leave that up to Kyle.

And then there was one…

Yep. You guessed it, the Cho-ster went home. So unfortunate! As flawed as her technique was, I really enjoyed watching her. She was funny, heartwarming and genuine. She gave Florence a run for her money in the happy department. It upsets me when people like Marge go home and then I still have to watch The Situation act a fool (thanks Luda) next week. Ugh, reality tv. How I loathe and love you at the same time.

Welp, that’s all folks! Errrr, until next week. Same time, same blog.

-T

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He Said, She Said

So. Hi. Remember me? I am the blond co-owner (do we own it?) of this blog?

Well, I am BACK. That’s right, put away those handkerchiefs and Kleenex boxes! I do apologize for my absence, work has been CRAZAAAAY! Regardless, a week is too long to make everyone wait.

With all the apologies, blah blah blah, being said time for what we all have been waiting for….another DWTS update!!

If you didn’t Google it (I know the temptation was there), last week David “I am gross” Hasselhoff got kicked off. How sad!….NOT. With that Gagfest gone and out of the picture, I can focus on other people to torment. This week’s object of humiliation? Michael Bolton

Yes, that is him pretending to be a dog. Yes, that is him in a doghouse. Now, if that isn’t embarrassing enough, he then began to DANCE. I know! Who would commit such celebrity status suicide? I mean, at least he didn’t forget his steps or anything…

oh wait.

HE DID

Michael, Michael, Michael. Please. For the sake of losing your fan base (50 year old woman pretending to be young and in the 80’s again-props to my Momma for that joke) just stop. It’s unnatural. Oh, and btw your earring is so 1990.

Pfewww. Bashing kind of takes a lot out of you! If only I was done.

We have a “situaton” on our hands this season. Uhm I know that was a horrible pun HOWEVER “the Situation” uses his OWN PUN every frickin opportunity. Don’t believe me? In practice “there’s a situation”. During the show, “there’s a situation”. During judging, “there’s a situation”.

We get it. Your nickname is also a noun. But that doesn’t mean you have more of a right of doing pun after pun after pun, it’s exhausting pretending to laugh at it!

Besides, we all know you have a situation! That situation (not being your abs) being the fact that you are PIGEON TOED.

I saw it last week and made a mental note (I can’t let possibly bashing be thrown at the wayside) then made Kasey pay attention this week…and it is more than apparent. Its like a stain on your pants. You don’t notice it at first, but once you see it THAT’S ALL YOU CAN LOOK IT. And I wasn’t the only one to point it out, my girl Carrie Ann (judge) told him. In front of 20 some odd million people. Well done, Carrie. Well done.

Oh, and btw your earring is so 1990.

Other than those two jokers, I enjoyed the show! Cheryl and Rick Fox continued to woo me. Bristol Palin is getting less awkward during the post dance questioning. Maksim was simply Maksim. AKA had me hypnotized. Lacey and that kid from That’s So Raven (I need to learn his name) were endearing and thankfully not as provocative! Florence and Corky are still the best older people on the show (sowwy Michael–ps I am in fact mocking my ex with that. Who’s name is actually Michael. Go figure). Jennifer Grey was awesome, and Derek lived up to the dramatics (not helping me figure out if you are gay or not, Derek). Margaret and Louis were hilarious and less horrible.

So, all in all there were improvements. It is the beginning of something great, people. Don’t make me be your middle man. Take a gander (not the goose) for yourself!

-T