Her Name was Lola. She was a Showgirl

(At the Copa. Copa Cabana)

Alrighty peeps, let’s end this Hump Day off right with none other than….DANCING WITH THE STARS UPDATE!

I think this might be a day (AND A HALF) late, yes? Whatever. I shall give a recap of Monday nights dancing and last nights result show (so exciting!).

Per usual, there were some ups and some downs.

Per usual, I will be making fun of the downs.

To start, it is only week 3 and I am wondering WHY The Situation is still on there. Seriously. Someone tell me 1) why is he considered a celebrity? 2) Why he shaves his head with that weird design? 3) Why does he wear STUPID things and pretend he is AWESOME? Newsflash. YOU’RE NOT.

Why. Why. Why. Why. Why.

I also took it upon myself (and this blog) to create a Situation Pun counter. I just started it last night (sad it took me so long) and we are at 5. FIVE. In only an hour of coverage. AN HOUR. I will say that one time it was actually said by sideline announcer, Brooke Burke (which after googling to find that picture, saw that she used to be a Playboy Bunny. I lost a little bit of respect for her. And by a little, I mean A LOT). Nonetheless, stop using the pun. It’s starting to become “a situation”.

On a lighter side, his pigeon toed-ness was less noticeable.

With Michael Bolton and David Hasselhoff out of the picture, I almost don’t know who else to hate on (well, besides the aforementioned Situation). I’ve started to slowly dislike Bristol Palin. I honestly don’t know what it is.

Is it the way she acts like a mute when Brooke asks her questions? Perhaps. Is it the way she doesn’t look like she is enjoying herself while dancing (with Mark no less…SERIOUSLY BRISTOL? He is adorable. If you can overlook those hideous earrings, anyway)? Perhaps. I actually started off not minding her. She was innnocent, and cute, and kind of looks like a chubbier Audrina—

(right?!).  But now I just want to shake her and ask her to look alive. Cause at this point in the show you need to be excited, otherwise there are people like me who will not so secretly hate on you.

Speaking of Mark, what is the PDA all of a sudden? He is either kissing Bristol’s cheek or canoodling. Not that I am opposed to public displays of affection, but after awhile I grow tiresome.

As for Kyle Massey (who?), That kid from That’s So Raven, he already had his blog moment this week (see: August 28).

Can we look at that picture one more time? Now look at his hand. HOW TINY IS THAT? True it’s an odd angle, but I can’t stop staring at his 4 year old childlike hands. Moving on.

I should preface these next couple comments…it was Story Week on DWTS. Meaning, there should be a story exemplified through the art of none other than dance (surprise). I am a little confused on how it works, do they choose their own story or do they pick in a hat? I do not know. Either way the stories some people came up with KILLED ME.

Florence Henderson. I am pretty sure when she drew the story (chose it? still uncertain) it said  “Carol Brady meets Maria Von Trapp“. Uhm. Poor Florence. This wasn’t a story I want to be told/danced for me again. She isn’t a contender…which I actually feel bad saying that. But it’s the truth. She is, however, the happiest person I have ever seen. Maybe it is because her partner Corky kissed he.

(ew, old people kisses)

Sooooo I guess, I know now where Mark get’s it, seeing as how Corky is his FATHER. The puzzle pieces are falling into place now, people.

Audrina (her eyes in that pic, bahaha). These girls with these hot pro dancers make it almost impossible for me to focus! I did catch her story. Her husband (boyfriend?) is returning home from war. Which is probably the easiest way to make people cry. Well, not me. I am in fact heartless. Ask my Avalon. Or my sister. Or my mom. REGARDLESS this dance just makes me want Tony to hold me. Which isn’t as weird as it seems. Or maybe it is. I don’t care. I think she did well though? Her dress was at least pretty.

Kurt Warner. Fake teeth? I can’t tell. I mean, he was a football player. That’s kind of a lot of getting knocked around…so I mean, it’d make sense. As for the dance? Don’t remember. I can’t seem to remember to watch him. It’s like I hear his name being announced and I zone out for 2.4 minutes. I’ll try harder next time, for the sake of this post.

Uhm my favorite story, BY FAR, was Brandy‘s (scary). It was like her card that she chose (drew?) was like, be the most cliche EVER. When Maks (yum) asked her what her favorite movie was she said Bodyguard. Yes. BODYGUARD. As in, Whitney Houston’s movie where she is a famous singer (Brandy?) and hires a bodyguard, Kevin Costner, (Maksim?) who used to work for the President. I found this SO hilarious for numerous reasons..

1) Does Brandy really compare herself to Whitney Houston? In other words, does “The Boy is Mine” compare herself to “I Will Always Love You”? INCOMPARABLE. (sidenote: Why is Jerry Springer a part of The Boy is Mine video? Weird)

2) Does Brandy really need a bodyguard? She scares me. I picture her to be that girl who will scratch your eyes until they BLEED while pulling out your hair.

Well, maybe there were only two reasons. So what. I still laughed hysterically when she said that. To get back to the dancing, she didn’t do horrible. Regardless, I give her two thumbs up for actually PRETENDING TO SING as a part of “the story”.

Okay. This brings me to the final three contestants. Rick Fox (rawr), Jennifer Grey and Margaret Cho. One person shows a little too much skin. One person doesn’t act their age. And another goes home. Which one is which, I wonder?

Let’s start with showing too much skin. And the winner is….

RICK FOX

Shocker, I know.

When Cheryl (love her) started to unbotton his shirt everyone (including myself) was like, oooh this is fun. Then more buttons were unbuttoned…Until finally IT WAS COMPLETELY OPEN.

So. Okay. It wasn’t gross or anything, but the stomach didn’t match the face. Maybe it was the mere fact he was an athlete, but I was expecting a little more. I still love them and they may or may not be my favorite couple. Sidenote to all this: Rick Fox is dating Eliza Dushku. (who? is the question my mom is probably asking). Well, mother dear. You not only have heard of this movie, but have SEEN IT. Yes. That’s right. She is none other than Missy (I remember trying to get my hair to do that twirl thing. Never worked), from Bring It On. And when I say Bring It On, I am not talking about the stupid sequels starring Hayden Panitierre and Solange Knowles (yes, Beyonce’s sister). I am talking about the original. Starring Kirsten Dunst, circa 2000. LOVE IT. It is one of my favorite VHS’. I refuse to buy it on DVD. I feel as if it’ll lose it’s charm. Anyway, to get back on topic, they’re dating. Weird.

Alrighty. So now let’s see who the winner is for not acting their age…

Jennifer Grey.

Wait. You’re telling me a 40 something year old woman with a 20 something year old hottie isn’t acting her age?! Once again, SHOCKER. Her dancing was actually great, and I somewhat enjoyed it. But her whole “older teacher flirts with younger student” charade left me a little uncomfortable, and embarrassed. Let’s steer away from creepy, mmkay Jen? Leave that up to Kyle.

And then there was one…

Yep. You guessed it, the Cho-ster went home. So unfortunate! As flawed as her technique was, I really enjoyed watching her. She was funny, heartwarming and genuine. She gave Florence a run for her money in the happy department. It upsets me when people like Marge go home and then I still have to watch The Situation act a fool (thanks Luda) next week. Ugh, reality tv. How I loathe and love you at the same time.

Welp, that’s all folks! Errrr, until next week. Same time, same blog.

-T

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You fancy, huh?

As I was driving home yesterday, I saw a bumper sticker that said “Just Be Nice”. Now as much as I would LOVE for my first post of the week (sorry for the delay. I know this is long awaited) to be something warm and fuzzy, it is something I cannot do. Not today. With that being said…

It is DWTS time! (What? You don’t know what that stands for? Silly me for assuming everyone watched the best reality show EVER) Well, anyway. It’s Dancing With the Stars, people. And it started last night, meaning my sister and I sat there for TWO WHOLE HOURS commenting and judging and pretending that we know ANYTHING and EVERYTHING there is to know about the Cha-Cha and Venetian Waltz.

News Flash. WE DON’T.

Also, judging is a loose word when it pertains to DWTS. The judging does not stop at the dancing technique. We judge the celebrities. As people. And HATE ON THEM SO HARD. Because UNLIKE the bumper sticker, we can’t “be nice”. This seasons “celeb” lineup proves there is no thirst quencher for the delicious Haterade

A little preface to DWTS, if you will. 12 celebrities (ABC’s definition of celebrity: wannabe’s, one hit wonders, “where are they now?” child stars, reality show runner ups, aging athlete greats) are teamed up with a professional dancer. And with the help of said dancers, the celebs go on to perform different ballroom dances each week in hopes of perfecting dance technique while gaining high scores from the judges and winning the hearts of America. I know, right? Awesome.

So I present to you, the 2010 DWTS Lineup WITH commentary by yours truly. EPISODE 1 (this is very long,  I apologize…but only a little)

1. Celeb: Audrina from the Hills.

  • I don’t know what to think. Are you a celeb? No. Oh, and please wear more clothes.

Dancer: Tony Dovolani

  • Last nights show, Shirtless? CHECK. Great smile? CHECK. Super duper nice? CHECK. Also. How much does he look like a mix between Gerard Butler and Eric Bana…Love him? CHECK

2. Celeb: Kurt Warner

  • Yawn. I spent the whole time figuring out how to say his partners name.

Dancer: Anna Trebunskaya

  • Pronounced, truh-boon-sky-uh.

3. Celeb: Kid from That’s So Raven.

Dancer: Lacey Schwimmer

  • (guest commentary: my mom and dad) “Her legs got fat”. Enough said

4. Celeb: Brandy

  • Remember when she was married for .5 seconds and had a baby? That was cute. I honestly didn’t watch her dance. Not gonna lie.

Dancer: Maksim Chmerkovskiy

5. Celeb: Rick Fox

  • Tall. Handsome. Good dancer. I really have zero qualms about him…except for the fact that he had a part in One Tree Hill where he wanted Nathan to lose his HS championship game. Not nice Rick. I shall forgive, however.

Dancer: Cheryl Burke

  • My favorite girl dancer ever. I may or may not have her work out video…that may or may not include dancing.

6. Celeb: Bristol Palin

Dancer: Marc Ballas

  • Adorable. Simply adorable.

7. Celeb: Margaret Cho

  • Hi-LARIOUS. She’s one crazy Asian. (No offense Avalon). Also, a horrible dancer.

Dancer: Louis Van Amstel

  • Uhmmm. I don’t think I have any snarky remarks? Catch me next week. I’m sure I will have thought of something.

8. Celeb: Florence Henderson

  • BAD ASS. Not the best dancer but she’s also like 76. Give her a break. She also said that she writes (wrote) in her journal every night “I will be on Dancing With the Stars”. And look where she is now…ON DWTS. So you heard it, ladies and gentleman, from Carol Brady herself. Keep writing down your reality show dreams and they will come true! Wait. Did I miss the point?

Dancer: Corky Ballas

  • Marc’s dad. I found this so endearing. His name is also Corky. How can you be mean to someone named Corky?

9. Celeb: Michael Bolton

Dancer: Chelsie Hightower

  • I secretly want to be her.

10. Celeb: Jennifer Grey.

  • WHERE DID YOUR NOSE GO? Also, she cried. Like a Baby (get it?) I can’t handle unnecessary crying spiels on reality shows. Go home if you can’t handle it, ugh

Dancer: Derek Hough

  • Are you straight? Still can’t tell. But I hope so, cauuuuuuse you’re great.

11. Celeb: Mike “the Situation”

  • Honestly, threw up in my mouth. Fist pumping made its first DWTS appearance. Always a sure fire way to lose some respectability. Oh and he actually said “you can hate on me all you want”. Welp, if you say so. As for the FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, “the Situation” tried to be funny and schmooze Len (judge), and Len fired back with, “Did I tell you, you have the guns but not the ammunition?” Hahahahaha. Clean up on aisle GUIDO

Dancer: Karina Smirnoff

  • She was once engaged to hottie Maks. How can you let him go? Dumb.

12. Celeb: David Hasselhoff

  • Man whores around the world called. They want their sleaziness back.

Dancer: Kym Johnson

  • She might be cross eyed…but that doesn’t stop me from liking her as a dancer. (I guess I can be nice)

This concludes my Haterade Parade. Well, until next week.

-T