DELUSIONAL?! MY HUSBAND IS FAMOUS.

Hello my little snowballs.

Recently [yesterday], my little state was hit with yet another dumb storm/extreme snowpocalypse. We obviously don’t need more snow which is evident by watching the news [or stepping outside]. The latest news worthy snow-related scandal was that plow and dumb trucks were ILLEGALLY DUMPING SNOW IN THE RIVER! How DARE they.

But in reality, who can blame them? There is not a parking lot or deserted field left to put the unwanted, unneeded, unwarranted snow, proven by the 20 feet snow drifts as far as the eye can see. It is getting ridiculous, I move we stop this snow.

Moving on.

Today on our hands we have our first ever [drum roll please] BLOG REQUEST. That’s right ladies and ladies [let’s keep it real], a reader wants our take on something! Someone cares! So per this request, the entry today will center mostly around the most ridiculous thing to hit pop culture yet somehow go under the radar since Wendy Williams.

Who is this person you ask with bated breath? It’s Camille Grammer Obviously.

Who is Camille Grammer you ask? According to her Wikipedia page she is a television personality, dancer, actor and model. According to me she is a gold digging psycho path.

I mean look at her? Doesn’t she just ooze crazy?

She is mostly known for being married to Kelsey Grammer, however if you said that to her face she’d rip your eyes out like a banshee. You can see that in her eyes, can’t you?

In order to try and beef her name up as more than just some random guy’s wife, Camille joined the cast of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I’ve said it before and I will say it again, I am in LOVE with Bravo television. I love all their dumb shows, and I watch them all pretty religiously. I love all the Real Housewives because my mind is baffled that people like this exist in the world. It is kind of like watching Planet Earth: Ocean Deep and all of the creatures skimming the ocean floor that you never even knew about. Fascinating.

But I digress, today I will happily provide you all with a list of reasons while MRS. Grammer is the craziest lady out there right now. Emphasis on the MRS. because it is imperative that everyone know she is married [or was, oh snap!]. Welcome to my haterade parade.

#1. She is from New Jersey – Now, if you ever read this blog you will know that I am a New Jersey HATER. Before you get all offended, I know that there are some people from NJ who aren’t completely awful… like my Dad. That’s right, I have the dirty Jerz in my own family. Regardless, MRS. Grammer is from Jersey which only helps to solidify my hatred. Sorry Pops.

#2. She thinks all women are jealous of her – On the Real Housewives she has been caught on camera more than once claiming that women can’t help but be jealous of her. Please refer to the photograph above. I see a scary looking faux blonde with fake boobies and injected skin on the arms of an old man who doesn’t love her. Wait…what am I supposed to be jealous of again? I got lost in all of that horribleness.

#3. She thinks women are catty, and can’t figure out why they don’t like her – Also on the show, MRS. Grammer repeatedly talks about how she can’t seem to hold on to girlfriends and she prefers male friends anyways. Personally I wouldn’t want a gal pal who was convinced I was jealous of her and kissed my husband on the mouth all the time. [Yes, that is real. She has a MARRIED hot male friend named Nick that she kisses on the mouth, like it’s ok]

#4. She has IBS. And did a PSA for it.- For those of you who don’t know IBS stands for Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and it is common in as many as 1 in 5 American adults. It is an awful disorder and I would hate to have it, but come on, a Public Service Announcement!? Really?

#5. She got her start doing soft core porn and Club MTV – MRS. Grammer used Real Housewives as a platform to act like the victim and try to come off as a classy, quiet, lady [she failed]. Her classiness rapidly disintegrated when everyone remembered her soft core porn days following her refined days as a dancer on MTV. Suppperrr Klassy Kamille.

#6. She refers to Kelsey Grammer as her husband. – Now as a soon to be WIFE I understand that it is going to be exciting to call someone my husband, but he will still have a name. MRS. Grammer spends the majority of her time on camera referring to Kelsey as her husband. “My HUSBAND is nominated for a Tony”, “My HUSBAND is moving to NYC”, “My HUSBAND is beloved by all of America”. Wait, who is your husband again? It somehow slipped my mind.

#7. She talks about being famous too much for someone who isn’t famous. – She talks about how crazy it is to be in the public eye all the time, um you chose that lady.

#8. She said she has a Jesus complex. – On the show she was sitting in hot tub with her friends, and she proclaimed that she had helped every single person in the hot tub, due to her “Jesus Complex”. Yup.

#9. She is friends with a medium. During one of the episodes MRS. Grammer invited over her bat shit crazy friend who just so happens to be a Medium. She was crazy and spent the dinner smoking an electronic cigarette. Her friend said, and I quote “Do you know what I love about me? I know when every person at this table is going to die”. WELL. Do you know what I love about me? That none of my friends pretend to be psychic.

#10. She said she isn’t insecure. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. Oh right. Because fake body parts, a reality television show, and a publicized divorce SCREAM secure and confident.

And thus concludes my analysis of Camille Grammer, craziest lady of the moment.

-A

Just in case you want to here this woman speak.

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Haterade Parade

I make my mom gchat me at work. It’s not weird. She lives an entire 7 miles away.

But the point of this post:

I cannot stand 80% of guys our age. (Yes, I am assuming that the 4 people who read this blog are 21-23 years old.) I believe it has become an epidemic that has even evolved into categories of douchebaggery. In this in depth (not) analysis I will attempt to shed light on the disease that has taken over the majority of our male population.

Here are some recent interactions I have experienced:

“Do you smuggle bodies back there?” referring to a truck bed. YES. You caught me, oh-so-bright one; I am smuggling dead bodies in my car.

“I think I know you. Newbury Comics?” Yes. I frequent Newbury Comics with all my other angsty adolescent friends, hoping to catch a glimpse of your winner face.

“Do I go to AA with you?” Courtesy of Liz. This one is priceless because 1) AA is in fact ANONYMOUS and 2) is that supposed to be a selling point? Alcoholism?

A less than complete categorical list of guys I can’t stand

The Gym guy:

I am pretty sure this doesn’t even need an explanation, but I shall indulge you. The Gym guy is that  guy obsessed with the Gym. His facebook status is about the gym, he reads books ABOUT working out AT the gym, and he spends the majority of his time at the gym walking around while trying to secretly [or not so secretly] check himself out in the mirror.

Yup. Shocking, you live in Miami?

The Cornell guy:

I have met quite a few of these recently, and they are HILARIOUS. Most of them are unemployed and spend their time improving their golf game, I wish I was kidding. They thought clubbing seals was a funny joke, and they never wear socks with their shoes (which are always loafers). They have no sense of humor (ie, they don’t think I am funny) and they drink vagina drinks.

The “Boston” guy:

This is the guy that thinks he is from Boston, but then it comes out that in fact he is from Concord, and his family is solely responsible for the oil spill in the gulf. He wears Boston gear, but he sits in daddy’s box at Celtics games while making racist jokes. They try to pull of a Boston accent, but the Brooks Brothers socks give them away.

The Cargo Shorts guy:

This doesn’t need an explanation. Just don’t wear cargo shorts.

The Confidence in Numbers Guy:

This is the guy that sits in the back of class not talking, or even learning. He won’t make eye contact with you as you both squeeze through the door, he won’t take you up on your offer to study together and he mumbles all of his responses. You later see him out at the bar (on a Tuesday, because your life is sad) and he comes sauntering up with his “crew” of cargo shorts-wearing friends. He talks loudly to you, so all of his friends can admire his new friendship with a member of the opposite sex, beaming all the while at his faux confidence.

Oh boys.

Until next time,

-A

Stop Hating on Thanksgiving

This is a quick post/comment on my fellow friend’s hate on Thanksgiving. I could’ve done an actual comment to the particular post, but I want everyone to see. EVERYONE.

THANKSGIVING DOES NOT SUCK. Turkey=Delicious. Cranberry Sauce= Healthy excuse for JELL-O. Stuffing= Why yes, I’d love to “stuff” my face with your goodness.

Oh, also. Avalon and I became friends over a Thanksgiving break. But we shall hear that awesome tale come November. (little preview)

That’s enough for now…hopefully everyone knows not to mess with Thanksgiving. ‘Cause I will find you.

-T

PS. This might be Avalon and I’s first fight..That’s right in our years of marriage (oh, we didn’t tell you we are married? Must’ve slipped our mind) we haven’t fought.

You fancy, huh?

As I was driving home yesterday, I saw a bumper sticker that said “Just Be Nice”. Now as much as I would LOVE for my first post of the week (sorry for the delay. I know this is long awaited) to be something warm and fuzzy, it is something I cannot do. Not today. With that being said…

It is DWTS time! (What? You don’t know what that stands for? Silly me for assuming everyone watched the best reality show EVER) Well, anyway. It’s Dancing With the Stars, people. And it started last night, meaning my sister and I sat there for TWO WHOLE HOURS commenting and judging and pretending that we know ANYTHING and EVERYTHING there is to know about the Cha-Cha and Venetian Waltz.

News Flash. WE DON’T.

Also, judging is a loose word when it pertains to DWTS. The judging does not stop at the dancing technique. We judge the celebrities. As people. And HATE ON THEM SO HARD. Because UNLIKE the bumper sticker, we can’t “be nice”. This seasons “celeb” lineup proves there is no thirst quencher for the delicious Haterade

A little preface to DWTS, if you will. 12 celebrities (ABC’s definition of celebrity: wannabe’s, one hit wonders, “where are they now?” child stars, reality show runner ups, aging athlete greats) are teamed up with a professional dancer. And with the help of said dancers, the celebs go on to perform different ballroom dances each week in hopes of perfecting dance technique while gaining high scores from the judges and winning the hearts of America. I know, right? Awesome.

So I present to you, the 2010 DWTS Lineup WITH commentary by yours truly. EPISODE 1 (this is very long,  I apologize…but only a little)

1. Celeb: Audrina from the Hills.

  • I don’t know what to think. Are you a celeb? No. Oh, and please wear more clothes.

Dancer: Tony Dovolani

  • Last nights show, Shirtless? CHECK. Great smile? CHECK. Super duper nice? CHECK. Also. How much does he look like a mix between Gerard Butler and Eric Bana…Love him? CHECK

2. Celeb: Kurt Warner

  • Yawn. I spent the whole time figuring out how to say his partners name.

Dancer: Anna Trebunskaya

  • Pronounced, truh-boon-sky-uh.

3. Celeb: Kid from That’s So Raven.

Dancer: Lacey Schwimmer

  • (guest commentary: my mom and dad) “Her legs got fat”. Enough said

4. Celeb: Brandy

  • Remember when she was married for .5 seconds and had a baby? That was cute. I honestly didn’t watch her dance. Not gonna lie.

Dancer: Maksim Chmerkovskiy

5. Celeb: Rick Fox

  • Tall. Handsome. Good dancer. I really have zero qualms about him…except for the fact that he had a part in One Tree Hill where he wanted Nathan to lose his HS championship game. Not nice Rick. I shall forgive, however.

Dancer: Cheryl Burke

  • My favorite girl dancer ever. I may or may not have her work out video…that may or may not include dancing.

6. Celeb: Bristol Palin

Dancer: Marc Ballas

  • Adorable. Simply adorable.

7. Celeb: Margaret Cho

  • Hi-LARIOUS. She’s one crazy Asian. (No offense Avalon). Also, a horrible dancer.

Dancer: Louis Van Amstel

  • Uhmmm. I don’t think I have any snarky remarks? Catch me next week. I’m sure I will have thought of something.

8. Celeb: Florence Henderson

  • BAD ASS. Not the best dancer but she’s also like 76. Give her a break. She also said that she writes (wrote) in her journal every night “I will be on Dancing With the Stars”. And look where she is now…ON DWTS. So you heard it, ladies and gentleman, from Carol Brady herself. Keep writing down your reality show dreams and they will come true! Wait. Did I miss the point?

Dancer: Corky Ballas

  • Marc’s dad. I found this so endearing. His name is also Corky. How can you be mean to someone named Corky?

9. Celeb: Michael Bolton

Dancer: Chelsie Hightower

  • I secretly want to be her.

10. Celeb: Jennifer Grey.

  • WHERE DID YOUR NOSE GO? Also, she cried. Like a Baby (get it?) I can’t handle unnecessary crying spiels on reality shows. Go home if you can’t handle it, ugh

Dancer: Derek Hough

  • Are you straight? Still can’t tell. But I hope so, cauuuuuuse you’re great.

11. Celeb: Mike “the Situation”

  • Honestly, threw up in my mouth. Fist pumping made its first DWTS appearance. Always a sure fire way to lose some respectability. Oh and he actually said “you can hate on me all you want”. Welp, if you say so. As for the FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, “the Situation” tried to be funny and schmooze Len (judge), and Len fired back with, “Did I tell you, you have the guns but not the ammunition?” Hahahahaha. Clean up on aisle GUIDO

Dancer: Karina Smirnoff

  • She was once engaged to hottie Maks. How can you let him go? Dumb.

12. Celeb: David Hasselhoff

  • Man whores around the world called. They want their sleaziness back.

Dancer: Kym Johnson

  • She might be cross eyed…but that doesn’t stop me from liking her as a dancer. (I guess I can be nice)

This concludes my Haterade Parade. Well, until next week.

-T