If you can walk, you can dance. If you can talk, you can sing

…Uhm. That’s not true, random quote by a random person. Just watch, DWTS and you’ll see how wrong that really is…

Okay. It wasn’t THAT bad. In the end we all know I am mainly talking about one. Maybe two people. They know who they are, and they know they don’t deserve to be there. HOWEVER. I will not get to that until a little later.

So two nights ago was DWTS Week 8 (7?). Not only was it phenomenal. But it was PHE-NOM-E-NAL. A litte breakdown, shall we?

First up was Kyle and Lacey- Venetian Waltz

  • Losing weight, possibly? Really loving him. Lacey is still ehhh. I wish she didn’t wear the ugliest things to rehearse in.

So, leg warmers are cool? Say whhaaaat?

Next up, Baby and Derek- Quick step

  • THEY SHOWED FOOTAGE OF THE DOCTOR EXAMINING HER. Really? Is that necessary? She won’t stop cryingggg. Ugh. The dance was great though. Which makes me think, she’s a liar. So. Good luck trying to win back my vote, cry BABY.

Kurt Warner and Anna- Waltz

  • SNOOZE ALERT. I can’t even pretend or pull things OUT OF MY ASS about this dance. I’m sorry. NEXT

Bristol and Mark- Argentine Tango

  • Homesick. She is complaining about being homesick. Grow up Bristol. Regardless, I have talked about Argentine Tango before. It is BEYOND sexy. This is my favorite dance, ever. And many people (Derek, Maks, Tony, Cheryl, Gilles) have wowed me with this dance. They MADE this dance THE dance to watch. And you know why it was so easy for them? SEX. They are sexy. They know to work it. So. Picture my disappointment when Bristol draws Argentine Tango. Uhm. Vomit in my mouth. It almost seems as though she could pull this off. I mean, she has had a baby. Aka she has had to be SEXY at least once before. Notice I said once. Fun fact, she was horrible at Argentine Tango.

You’re welcome for the picture. I laughed. For days. Poor Mark.

Brandy and Maksim- Waltz

  • Maks may or may not have worn a WHITE SUIT. I’d show a picture, but it’s too hilarious. And by hilarious I mean HOT. Regardless, there is going to a post about white suits…so hold tight, young readers. The picture will come. ANYWAY. Brandy’s quotes are getting better and better. This night? “We got this, we got this”. Oh. Do ya now, Brandy? Uhmm they did. They rocked. Maksim does gots my heart. Sidenote. Brandy cried. We are at 5.

SO. That rounds out Phase 1 of dancing.

THAT’S RIGHT

There were TWO, I repeat TWO phases of dancing. It is a phase we (yes, I work at ABC) like to call, Instant Dance. This ditty goes a little something like this…the couples draw a RANDOM song out of a hat and have to be able to put together a dance in 20 minutes. Glorious.

Kyle and Lacey- Jive

  • I really loved it. Like. Loved it, loved it. We reWOUND it. Thanks to Erica’s tv. We got to relive the awesomeness at least 3 times. Maybe four. I promise I’m not crazy.

Baby and Derek- Rumba

  • There was an awkward split…I tried finding it in pictures. No such luck. But honestly. Grown woman shouldn’t be doing that. Eek. I could’ve done without that. Also, Brooke Burke needs to shut up. YES, I know she is the interviewer, but stop bringing up how she is ALWAYS IN PAIN. That only tells Baby that it’s okay to complain about it. Annoyed.

Kurt and Anna- Cha Cha Cha

  • 7 kids? He really has 7 kids? Really? It’s like he’s starting a football team (lame joke, please laugh). He’s such a big goof. HOWEVER, the dance…was not horrible. All I can muster for that.

Bristol and Mark- Samba

  • It’s amazing they were even able to fit dancing in, since Mark clearly went to the CHRIPRACTOR for that lift earlier (burn). But okay. Seriously. WHY IS SHE STILL HERE. O.M.G.

Brandy and Maksim- Cha Cha Cha

  • So great! I just love them. No tears. No stupid sayings. It was FLAWLESS. Carrie Ann (judge) and Maksim might have gotten into a little fight. Twas phenom. Not many times do I want to see people fighting (lies). This one fight was about CHOREOGRAPHY. How could you go wrong?!

Okay. So there we have it!!!! I hope everyone enjoyed picturing the dances, since I described them with such grace. HA.

So, I COULD tell you guys went home in a very posty fashion. However, in fear that I won’t be able to stay awake (why am I a grandma?) I will just come out and say it.

Say bye Kurt Warner. BYE KURT WARNER.

As much as I don’t think he deserved to be there anymore, I don’t think he should’ve gone home before Bristol. She sucks. So much. My mom might be the most mad about this. And noooooobody makes my momma mad. Bristol better watch it, or my mom will go to DWTS and boo her ass. Not really. But she (so am I) is really mad at the situation. UGH

-T

PS sorry for cussing a little bit. I honestly can’t refrain when it comes to Bristol.

He Said, She Said

So. Hi. Remember me? I am the blond co-owner (do we own it?) of this blog?

Well, I am BACK. That’s right, put away those handkerchiefs and Kleenex boxes! I do apologize for my absence, work has been CRAZAAAAY! Regardless, a week is too long to make everyone wait.

With all the apologies, blah blah blah, being said time for what we all have been waiting for….another DWTS update!!

If you didn’t Google it (I know the temptation was there), last week David “I am gross” Hasselhoff got kicked off. How sad!….NOT. With that Gagfest gone and out of the picture, I can focus on other people to torment. This week’s object of humiliation? Michael Bolton

Yes, that is him pretending to be a dog. Yes, that is him in a doghouse. Now, if that isn’t embarrassing enough, he then began to DANCE. I know! Who would commit such celebrity status suicide? I mean, at least he didn’t forget his steps or anything…

oh wait.

HE DID

Michael, Michael, Michael. Please. For the sake of losing your fan base (50 year old woman pretending to be young and in the 80’s again-props to my Momma for that joke) just stop. It’s unnatural. Oh, and btw your earring is so 1990.

Pfewww. Bashing kind of takes a lot out of you! If only I was done.

We have a “situaton” on our hands this season. Uhm I know that was a horrible pun HOWEVER “the Situation” uses his OWN PUN every frickin opportunity. Don’t believe me? In practice “there’s a situation”. During the show, “there’s a situation”. During judging, “there’s a situation”.

We get it. Your nickname is also a noun. But that doesn’t mean you have more of a right of doing pun after pun after pun, it’s exhausting pretending to laugh at it!

Besides, we all know you have a situation! That situation (not being your abs) being the fact that you are PIGEON TOED.

I saw it last week and made a mental note (I can’t let possibly bashing be thrown at the wayside) then made Kasey pay attention this week…and it is more than apparent. Its like a stain on your pants. You don’t notice it at first, but once you see it THAT’S ALL YOU CAN LOOK IT. And I wasn’t the only one to point it out, my girl Carrie Ann (judge) told him. In front of 20 some odd million people. Well done, Carrie. Well done.

Oh, and btw your earring is so 1990.

Other than those two jokers, I enjoyed the show! Cheryl and Rick Fox continued to woo me. Bristol Palin is getting less awkward during the post dance questioning. Maksim was simply Maksim. AKA had me hypnotized. Lacey and that kid from That’s So Raven (I need to learn his name) were endearing and thankfully not as provocative! Florence and Corky are still the best older people on the show (sowwy Michael–ps I am in fact mocking my ex with that. Who’s name is actually Michael. Go figure). Jennifer Grey was awesome, and Derek lived up to the dramatics (not helping me figure out if you are gay or not, Derek). Margaret and Louis were hilarious and less horrible.

So, all in all there were improvements. It is the beginning of something great, people. Don’t make me be your middle man. Take a gander (not the goose) for yourself!

-T

You fancy, huh?

As I was driving home yesterday, I saw a bumper sticker that said “Just Be Nice”. Now as much as I would LOVE for my first post of the week (sorry for the delay. I know this is long awaited) to be something warm and fuzzy, it is something I cannot do. Not today. With that being said…

It is DWTS time! (What? You don’t know what that stands for? Silly me for assuming everyone watched the best reality show EVER) Well, anyway. It’s Dancing With the Stars, people. And it started last night, meaning my sister and I sat there for TWO WHOLE HOURS commenting and judging and pretending that we know ANYTHING and EVERYTHING there is to know about the Cha-Cha and Venetian Waltz.

News Flash. WE DON’T.

Also, judging is a loose word when it pertains to DWTS. The judging does not stop at the dancing technique. We judge the celebrities. As people. And HATE ON THEM SO HARD. Because UNLIKE the bumper sticker, we can’t “be nice”. This seasons “celeb” lineup proves there is no thirst quencher for the delicious Haterade

A little preface to DWTS, if you will. 12 celebrities (ABC’s definition of celebrity: wannabe’s, one hit wonders, “where are they now?” child stars, reality show runner ups, aging athlete greats) are teamed up with a professional dancer. And with the help of said dancers, the celebs go on to perform different ballroom dances each week in hopes of perfecting dance technique while gaining high scores from the judges and winning the hearts of America. I know, right? Awesome.

So I present to you, the 2010 DWTS Lineup WITH commentary by yours truly. EPISODE 1 (this is very long,  I apologize…but only a little)

1. Celeb: Audrina from the Hills.

  • I don’t know what to think. Are you a celeb? No. Oh, and please wear more clothes.

Dancer: Tony Dovolani

  • Last nights show, Shirtless? CHECK. Great smile? CHECK. Super duper nice? CHECK. Also. How much does he look like a mix between Gerard Butler and Eric Bana…Love him? CHECK

2. Celeb: Kurt Warner

  • Yawn. I spent the whole time figuring out how to say his partners name.

Dancer: Anna Trebunskaya

  • Pronounced, truh-boon-sky-uh.

3. Celeb: Kid from That’s So Raven.

Dancer: Lacey Schwimmer

  • (guest commentary: my mom and dad) “Her legs got fat”. Enough said

4. Celeb: Brandy

  • Remember when she was married for .5 seconds and had a baby? That was cute. I honestly didn’t watch her dance. Not gonna lie.

Dancer: Maksim Chmerkovskiy

5. Celeb: Rick Fox

  • Tall. Handsome. Good dancer. I really have zero qualms about him…except for the fact that he had a part in One Tree Hill where he wanted Nathan to lose his HS championship game. Not nice Rick. I shall forgive, however.

Dancer: Cheryl Burke

  • My favorite girl dancer ever. I may or may not have her work out video…that may or may not include dancing.

6. Celeb: Bristol Palin

Dancer: Marc Ballas

  • Adorable. Simply adorable.

7. Celeb: Margaret Cho

  • Hi-LARIOUS. She’s one crazy Asian. (No offense Avalon). Also, a horrible dancer.

Dancer: Louis Van Amstel

  • Uhmmm. I don’t think I have any snarky remarks? Catch me next week. I’m sure I will have thought of something.

8. Celeb: Florence Henderson

  • BAD ASS. Not the best dancer but she’s also like 76. Give her a break. She also said that she writes (wrote) in her journal every night “I will be on Dancing With the Stars”. And look where she is now…ON DWTS. So you heard it, ladies and gentleman, from Carol Brady herself. Keep writing down your reality show dreams and they will come true! Wait. Did I miss the point?

Dancer: Corky Ballas

  • Marc’s dad. I found this so endearing. His name is also Corky. How can you be mean to someone named Corky?

9. Celeb: Michael Bolton

Dancer: Chelsie Hightower

  • I secretly want to be her.

10. Celeb: Jennifer Grey.

  • WHERE DID YOUR NOSE GO? Also, she cried. Like a Baby (get it?) I can’t handle unnecessary crying spiels on reality shows. Go home if you can’t handle it, ugh

Dancer: Derek Hough

  • Are you straight? Still can’t tell. But I hope so, cauuuuuuse you’re great.

11. Celeb: Mike “the Situation”

  • Honestly, threw up in my mouth. Fist pumping made its first DWTS appearance. Always a sure fire way to lose some respectability. Oh and he actually said “you can hate on me all you want”. Welp, if you say so. As for the FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT, “the Situation” tried to be funny and schmooze Len (judge), and Len fired back with, “Did I tell you, you have the guns but not the ammunition?” Hahahahaha. Clean up on aisle GUIDO

Dancer: Karina Smirnoff

  • She was once engaged to hottie Maks. How can you let him go? Dumb.

12. Celeb: David Hasselhoff

  • Man whores around the world called. They want their sleaziness back.

Dancer: Kym Johnson

  • She might be cross eyed…but that doesn’t stop me from liking her as a dancer. (I guess I can be nice)

This concludes my Haterade Parade. Well, until next week.

-T