Listen, I’m a player. But I shut down my playerness from New Years to St. Patty’s Day just so I can avoid this day

Just as a quick preface: Unlike my Valentine’s Day quote above, I am not that person who despises or is a bitter mess when it comes to Valentine’s Day. I AM that girl who eats an inordinate amount of chocolates. But that’s besides the point.

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day, as we all know I am sure. I received a Valentines text/call/gift from only a handful of people. Only 2 of them were guys. Well actually 3. But the other was my dad. One of the guys has a girlfriend and the other one, I want to be his girlfriend. I WISH I WAS JOKING. But anyway, I’M NOT BITTER.

Regardless, this post is not about my lack of suitors. It is, in fact, about a text I got. Not from a friend. Not from a potential boyfriend. But from my Gramma Di (yes, that’s what we call her).

I don’t know if any of you have gone to the site, When Parents Text but it is HILARIOUS. I die when I read them. As I have stated before, my mother is the funniest at her texts and emails (and not in the, “oh she doesn’t know how to use technology” type of way. But just because she’s funny. Idk.) so when I read the site I immediately think of her. Well yesterday, my Gramma is rapidly becoming a close second to the hilarity of texting. I have included the conversation (obviously, otherwise this is just a tease post) and have spared zero details.

Gramma Di: Happy valentines 2 u we lv u very much. Lv gdi & gdaddy

Me: Happy Valentine’s day! Love y’all! Are you doing anything exciting?

Gramma Di: Yes going to golden corral & buy paint

Me: Hahaa that’ll be fun! Eat some dinner rolls for me!

Gramma Di: That’s rite ha ha. How did u do at kick ball yesterday?

Me: Omg we won the championship! Woo! It was a good game. We won 6-3.

Gramma Di: Very good, did u score?

Me: I did! I’m not too shabby gramma di haha

Gramma Di: U are the best. U are in my book. Chip off the old block

Me: Haha I do get it after you!

Gramma Di: Ur my angel. U & Kasey r the best

And then it ended. I don’t know why, the whole conversation had me CRACKING UP. Not only do I wish I went to Golden Corral for Valentine’s Day, but I wish I could do text shorthand. She rocked it. And just to note, my Gramma Di is 66 years old. Her ringtone at one point in time was, “Don’t Cha”. As in, “don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me”. She said she wanted that ringtone because she “liked the beat”. Oh. Okay. Hilariouuussss.

Hope everyone had a fabulous day!

-T

PS – My mother sent me a link to a song, and I love it. Maybe for the beat? I don’t know. Enjoy. And in the words of my mom,  ” Some of the lyrics are cheap time whore…lol ha ha”. Already enjoying it, mother.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bb6cBKE3WzQ

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An Amazing Person Deserves an Amazing Bday

I am loving today. Why you ask? Well a list is obviously the answer:

1. It is Friday. That goes without explanation.

2. I washed my hair today, so I feel prettier than I did yesterday. Clips aren’t really that cute of a look on me.

3. The smoothie I made this morning had the perfect amount of ice and milk. Sometimes I go crazy and have a banana ICEE. Which isn’t always what I want in the mornings.

4. My co-workers gave me an easy task…that I may still be putting off. No big deal.

and

5. IT’S MY DEAR MOTHERS BIRTHDAY.

That’s right, the momma y’all have read about and LOVED (don’t lie) is turning yet another year older. I called her this morning around 745 (I was leaving for work. I can’t believe I left that early either) per our usual “drive to work chat” and she didn’t answer. So I was like, oh it’s her birthday I am sure she is talking to someone else. So I tried back 5 minutes later (my patience sometimes is a bit short lived). Still no answer. So I was like, UGH I NEED TO WISH HER A HAPPY BIRTHDAY. So I left a possibly annoying message on their home answering machine saying, basically, HI I TRIED CALLING. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAVE FUN. I’M ON MY WAY TO WORK. UGH. HI BOSSMAN. (I sounded nicer than this may come across)

Then I get a call a little later and my mom is like, hey sorry I was shaving my legs and didn’t know what that racket was in the background. Oh. That would be me. Her darling child is the so-called, RACKET. Ha. You’re hilarious mom.

Anyways, I love my mother way too much and it has been said that I am her twin. Well. I can only hope this is true. IF it is true, then at the whopping age of 40 something (I can’t give away too much) I will still do the following (two lists in one post. Such a great day):

1. Shave my legs– I never want to be that person who doesn’t want to shave because it’s difficult to reach. She shaves her legs every weekend. Even in the “winter”. I am not going to say that’s more than me, buuuuut it’s more than me. By about 200% more.

2. Go kayaking– My parents went kayaking today. They are such BALLERS.

3. Wear dresses with boots and know you look fly– She will tell me the next day what she wore to dinner and be like, Lou (hostess) said my outfit was trendy. I said, “I know, right?”. Love it.

4. Text people songs they should listen to– Some of my favorite songs have been compliments of my momma.

5. Be hilarious– I can’t explain how hilarious my mom is. The post title is actually a text back to Avalon, after Avalon wished her a happy birthday. Mom stop it stop it, you’re just too much.

Those are only 5 of many things I hope I will do and essentially, one day, be my mom. Looks-wise I’ve got that ON LOCK. Let’s just hope everything else comes along as well.

Happy Birthday Momma Boo! Love you lots and lots and more!

-T

PS. It was Avalon’s mom’s birthday the other day. Aka January is the best month ever. Cause our moms are awesome. And young. And hip. January should be Mel and Marge Month. And no, they don’t like to be called by those names. So don’t try.

Actually I’m a human, but I was raised by elves.

We all have heard of my darling momma. Much to her dismay, I am sure, this post is dedicated to her. Well it is dedicated to both my mom AND my dad.

I get an email from my mom the other day, that looks VERY SIMILAR (see: direct quotes) to this:

“Okay, some ideas for padre and madre

 Padre 
  1.  Thermos for work (tall,thin one not short fat) Walmart, Target, Publix, Walgreens…seriously many stores have them. Maybe even Big Lots!!!!
  2. Footie socks – nothing girlie! You could always stuff his thermos with socks!
  3. Candy
  4. Kris Kristofferson CD
  5. Whistle for kayak
  6. Reading glasses – like socks, nothing girlie. I think he would need the 1X magnification. Walgreens, Target…
 Madre – not from y’all, but you’ll need to help dad!
  1. Velour pants & zip jacket. NO NO NO to the following: light, baby anything colors, embellishments (rhinestones,beads…) any writing/name of athletic club or city. YES YES YES to dark colors – navy, brown, black. No hoodie on the jacket prefered, but will accept a hoodie.
  2. Long pants & long sleeve button-up pajama set – size S. I know you may be thinking…She wears a M…but please get a small. I will gladly return it for a larger size after trying it on myself. I don’t mind prints, plaids, or even solid colors. Unlike the velour outfit, I don’t mind the baby colors, although not really fond of lavender. If it’s a print, make sure it’s fun…no cats, lighthouses. If you would wear it, then I will like it. Please no satin. Flannel or cotton okay. If you can’t find button up, then a round-neck cotton shirt will be fine.”

 Everything about this email made me literally LOL.

First of all. My dad loves him some candy. That was NOT a joke on what to get him for Christmas. Get him a bag of Runts and he will be as giddy as a school girl…kind of. Awkward image.

Second of all. My mother is hilarious. She is a typical GIRL. I thought I was the only one who asked for a potentially smaller size, and then would take it back? No? Not just me? In my mom’s defense, she is a small on the bottoms. But much like Sofia Vergara (see Golden Globe post below), she is a medium top-if ya know what I mean.

Third of all. I wrote my mom back saying that I would be sure to tell dad, and this was her response:

” I just don’t want to sound biotchy (however you say it), but with dad I have to be specific, cause he tends to hear the things I don’t want. Seriously. If I verbally told him these and without y’alls help he would get me a baby blue rhinestoned out FUBU velour outfit! I would look like Beyonce’s twin!!.”

Oh. She went there.

Onto our Christmas Gift Ideas…I do believe we are onto Day 14. If not, please alert us ASAP. No need to get jipped here, folks!

Day 14: For those of you who aren’t provided with detailed lists/are a typical guy and can’t remember rhinestones are never really that cool on velour outfits

Pandora Jewelry, assorted errthaang (charms, bracelets, necklaces, rings YOU NAME IT)

Price: Under 100-MILLIONS (actually I don’t know the limit, but it can get pretty pricey)

Shop: Pandora, Kay Jewelers, Jared

Pandora charms and jewelry are a great way to say “I love you, but I really don’t know what velour means”. Women of all ages will love this. Whether its your grandma who likes bright colors (my gramma di- yes that’s her name), or the grandmother who like flashes of color but not jewelery (see: Pandora Brooches). Or perhaps you need that something special for you mom/wife/girlfriend! The wrap up the age spectrum going here, it’s a great starter charm bracelet for the teenagers and girls. There are so many different charms and beads to choose from, you are sure to find the perfect combination! Even if you still don’t know the right charms to buy, you can atleast buy the bracelet (or necklace or whatever) and bring that special someone to the store and have them pick out the charms! You’re the hero for buying the jewelry, and the hero for not picking out some ugly rhinestone studded velour suit. It’s win-win!

Oh. Btw. Bracelets/necklaces are one size fits all. So no harm, no foul on that potential train wreck!

-T

I might be obsessed

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Well, that’s a lie. I know EXACTLY what is wrong with me…I am my mother’s child. Yes, that’s right. I am placing my blame on this next post on my beloved mother.

Ever since I was little, I would read People Magazine. My mom was subscribed to them for literally A THOUSAND YEARS. I prided myself on knowing the “It Couples” of the month, and knowing that Madonna was seen doing yoga on a September 13, 2001 (just an example, I promise). I thought I was way too cool.

She ended up stopping the subcriptions (like 2 years ago?) but my love and INFATUATION with celebrities never ceased to exist. I become attached to them (see: me taking it personally that Brad and Jen divorced). I just love knowing what is going on and google people CONSTANTLY. Another problem that has derived from this is the fact that I only trust People. If I hear something on the radio, I don’t believe it until People makes a statement. I am lying, I have recently started believing UsWeekly. But People is WHERE. IT’S. AT.

Regardless. I have become a little (understatement) obsessed with the impending marriage of Prince William and Kate Middleton. So as a duty I have just given myself, I am here to give y’all an update on THE WEDDING OF THE YEAR…

William is thinking April 28, 2012.

I am so excited, it’s embarrassing. I am also excited because in England they are declaring it a national holiday…UGH why couldn’t I be Bristish?!

 

I LOVE YOU, PEOPLE MAGAZINE…but I love my momma more for subscribing.

Note: This was in MAY. I can’t believe there was talk of engagement for like 5 months.

-T