You are KNOT Helpful

Oh the wonderful world of weddings.

Before I was engaged my friends and I [see: only Taryn] would scour TheKnot.com and sigh with frustration each time a section was blocked until we signed up. Obviously we couldn’t sign up because neither of us were engaged, and we can only handle creepy to a point.

The day after I got engaged I hopped on a computer and FINALLY signed up for TheKnot.com. I was so excited to have full access to all the information I’d been previously blocked from as well as belong to my new community of knotties! [Yup. That’s what they call themselves.]

I’m not really sure who I was trying to kid here, but I pretty much hate all brides-to-be. One would think that after countless episodes of Say Yes to the Dress and Four Weddings I would have some sort of idea that almost every aspect of the bridal community makes me want to rip my hair out. But no, I still needed this obviousness to slap me in the face.

I began to search the boards for answers to all of my important questions [where are you buying invites, how many items are you registering for, what are the Corinthians, etc] when it began to really sink in that these women were awful. They are rude to each other, and apparently they all consider themselves experts on ettiquette and manors…as they misspell their signatures with obnoxious things like ~*~*~sooo ecited sOoN tO bE mRs. JoHnSoN~*~*~*.

This morning I went to the post office to weigh a completed wedding invitation to see if I made the cut and could slap a 44cent stamp on those hos. A postman sullenly barked “64 cents” to my tear-strewn face, and I dramatically stumbled out of the post office. Where does one even buy 64 cent stamps?! I logged on to the USPS website and found some heinous stamps I could purchase, but if I am going to spend almost a dollar [yes, 64 cents is almost a dollar] on a stamp I want it to be GORGEOUS.  In my despair, I decided to give the awful knotland one more chance to actually assist me in one teeny tiny way. I went to the wedding month boards and posted a question on August 2011 that went a little something like this:

“Hey Ladies! [I feign niceness to make up for everyone being so blatantly awful]
I know postage is changing over to the higher price tomorrow…ugh! I went to the post office today to weigh my invites, and unfortunately I’m going to need 64 cent stamps…It’s going to cost a fortune. Is anyone else experiencing bulky invites? Where are you buying your stamps?”

Annnd this is the response I got:

“im buying my postage at my post ofce lol. im marrying a postal worker so ive known about the upage for awhile now”

Okay.

#1. Can you read?

#2. Yes. Obviously you can buy stamps at a post office. I WAS JUST THERE. Again, can you read?

#3. THANK YOU for telling me how long you have known about the postage price rising, that really helps all of the people who need to send out invitations after TOMORROW.

#4. Upage? Not a word. Can you read?

Theknot.com is awful. In the off chance that anyone reading this blog is also getting married or is obsessed with weddings, let me help you out. MONTHS of research have showed me the helpful websites:

The Broke-Ass Bride – a great name, a great sense of humor, and a great resource.

Martha Stewart Weddings – I love Martha. Who doesn’t. She lays down the law on how to getting all things wedding done.

The Budget Savvy Bride – another money saver full of great tips and a fun read.

Have a ball.

-A

Ps. Oh you want to know how much it’s going to cost to mail out invitations??!

85 invites x$0.64+85 rsvp cards x $0.44 = $91.80.  Yup. Almost a hundred dollars.

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So, I’m ashamed…

Why you ask?

Well, I am a Celtics fan and apparently so is Aubrey O’Day. Um. Disgusting. Put your clothes back on and leave my team alone. She was born in California, why in the world is she covering herself with green paint.

Moving on.

Hello duckies!

I hope everyone had an excellent weekend! Because I am generous, I will provide an itemized summary of my weekend.

#1. I tried to spend the whole weekend in my pajamas, and I failed. Apparently I have to get dressed to go to works on Saturdays.

#2. Saturday was the premature St. Patrick’s day celebration for all the college students about to go on spring break. The bars opened at 11am and drunk hooligans were lining up at 10 in the morning…when I got to work. As I was sitting in my respectable place of work, drunk girl after drunk girl stumbled into my job and asked if we had a bathroom they could use. Quickly I determined that I did not want to clean up puke, and told them that we were in fact a shop with no bathroom. In their despair they went outside and laid down in the snow.

#3. Because of said faux holiday I almost ran over slews of intoxicated college students covered with green sparkles and donning a town’s worth of green attire while stumbling down the center of the street. Whoops.

#4. I got the girl scout cookies I ordered and I have been sampling from each box daily.  I ordered Thin Mints [duh], Samoas, the peanut butter sandwich kind and this brand new lemon sandwich cookie kind. They are all delightful. Usually I eat them for breakfast. Along with breakfast. NOT a big deal.

#4. I went out for a friend’s birthday and had 1 drink too many [so, three].

#5. I watched the Craigslist Killer on Lifetime and asked serious disbelieving questions [to myself] the entire time. “How did she not notice the cops outside of her house?”, “How did she not notice the blood all over his neck?”, “Why do these women let strange men into their hotel rooms?”, and most importantly “Was this actually shot in Boston, because I am not seeing a whole lot of familiar landmarks…”. Don’t see it, it isn’t that good.

#6. I basically finished addressing the “Save-the-Dates’ for the wedding, and I am now the proud owner of carpal tunnel hands.

#7. I cried all weekend because NOT ENOUGH OF YOU HAVE STARTED FOLLOWING US ON TWITTER. Do you not care what we have to say in 140 characters or less?! We do this for you!!

Follow us please. We need some stalkers!

-A

“Are we simply romantically challenged? Or are we Sluts?”

As I sit here on my black macbook in my rent controlled New York City Flat, chain smoking, I ponder the most important (See: superfluous) of questions and I wonder, do all women really eat up what I am saying??

YES CARRIE BRADSHAW, WE DO.

If you are a female between the ages of 16 and 57 you loved up on Sex and the City. You couldn’t help it, it’s okay. It was like moths to a flame, the way we flocked to the unrealistic lifestyles of the women on in The City. We gobbled up their incessant relationship problems paired with their outlandish wardrobes [I mean seriously, did Carrie OWN A MIRROR?].

I digress, Sex and the City is not the main point of this post. Do ya’ll remember when Carrie decides to be “rebellious” and she marries herself?! I do. It went something along the lines of this:

“The most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself”

BARF. Regardless, I am suddenly seeing her point of view in the desire to marry oneself. I may or may not be registering for my impending wedding (I am), and it seems it may be easier if I were marrying myself. Don’t get me wrong, I love my roommate (see: fiance) but unfortunately he is a guy. Being a guy, he doesn’t necessarily like the flower casual china I like, or the bajillion thread count sheets. It hurts my heart. I need some flowers, bright colors, and unnecessary crap! This is basically how registering goes…

This beautiful Kate Spade china doesn’t really scream manly. Let’s find something else [sob].

What do you mean we don’t need this $400 juicer?! I FREAKING LOVE JUICE.

Um, I know Lacoste towels are stupid…I didn’t want those anyways…

Oh you said florals AREN’T your thing, my mistake.

OBVIOUSLY $ 250 dollars is too much to spend on a mirror. PSH WHO EVEN USES THOSE THESE DAYS….

sigh.

Maybe I need a lady cave, to hide all my ladylike things.

Side note: EVERYONE GO REGISTER! Even if you aren’t engaged, they give you so.much.free.stuff. It is amazing.

-A

Bridezilla, say whaaat?!

If you all haven’t gotten the hint at her not-very-subtle attempts, Avalonasaurus is engaged! And yours truly is the MoH (Maid of Honor). But that’s besides the point (for now).

For about 3-6 business days, Avalon and I have been crazily tracking the bridesmaid dress, thanks to UPS.com. I saw the request leave Florida, then go to like KANSAS (what), then go to Jacksonville, then finally its final leg in the journey..my front door. Yep, yesterday we (well I) got the bridesmaid dress in the mail. I WAS SO EXCITED. I stripped off my work clothes and got in it and took the most horribly blurry picture to send to Avalon (I was so excited, did I say this?).

Anyway, here is the dress.

 Ooh and ahhs, people. I EXPECT OOHS AND AAHS.

I tried it on; it was BEAUTIFUL. Avalon and I shared a moment on the phone, no big deal. So now the next step in the planning, obvi, is shoe shopping. WHICH is my second most favorite thing to do in the world (besides blog, of course). At this point, I am really feeling DSW is the place to shop. And as I am saying this I am remembering…it’s not my wedding. For those future MoH’s reading, it can be easy to get ahead of yourself, let me tell you (LOLZ). Noooow this brings me to my post.

For the most part, I don’t remember my dreams. I know I have them, but I just don’t recall any of it the next morning. There are the few (good ones), however, that are embedded in my brain. One of my favorites was when I was younger and I dreamed my mom had a mini van (she didn’t, thank goodness) and it flew and it pulled behind it a magic carpet. We “drove” it right next to the Courtney Campbell. Uhhhm that’s a bridge. AKA over water. AKA what were we thinking?!

Another favorite, already, being last nights.

It begins with Avalon and Laurel visiting me, for what appears to be some sort of bridesmaid extravaganza weekend. We have our dresses, well Laurel and I do, and we are about to go shoe shopping. YES. So far so good, for this dream. Then, out of nowhere I start crying. Like, my face is puffy, I start to look kind of round (from crying?) and mascara is all amess on my face. OUT OF NOWHERE. So we are getting ready to go, and I am taking forever to get ready (probably because I can’t see through the tears). Laurel is trying to be supportive saying, “it’s shoes, it’ll be fun! Come on shoes are fun!”. While Avalon is turning into Brideszilla and saying, “HURRY UP, OR WE’LL BE LATE TO BUY SOME SHOES”. Uhm, okay shoe police! So I get myself together, and before we are out the door I say I need to grab some shoes (should’ve thought of that earlier, dream Taryn). I must’ve taken too long because both Avalon and Laurel come up to get me, where they find me in my closet. Sleeping. In my laundry basket.

Then I woke up.

I am not a dream analyzer, but I am curious to know:

1. Am I secretly, deep down, starting to hate buying shoes? If so, how long until that happens?…I need to stock up.

2. Am I going to cry at Avalon’s wedding? If so, I’ll need to buy waterproof mascara. And tissues.

3. Is Avalon going to be a brideszilla? If so, alert TLC. It should be a good one.

-T

BTW here is a video on how I feel on the subject of being MoH.

We like stuff too.

If you have read more than one entry on this blog you know that we live on haterade. We come off as friendly (just Taryn) so we need to vent our frustrations on this blog. We are really just voicing our opinions, but I have noticed that we may be only recording our displeasures. With this in mind, I have decided to share with you some things we love (we meaning mostly me, because I am writing this, not Taryn).

I love THIS BLOG. I will give you a quick rundown. John and Sherry met, got married, bought a house, started a family, and I LOVE THEM (in the creepiest way possible). I may or may not be planning a wedding (I am) and their DIY wedding section is downright inspiring. They quit their corporate jobs to keep up with the blog where they share their projects and lives with (creepy) readers (like me). They’re home projects are amazing, and have inspired me to attempt change in my abode more than once. Also, they are funny! It’s basically a win, win, win, win, win…win…

Taryn and I LOVE this website/retail as well. These necklaces are adorable (yet small) in person. I love all the different occasions and I love the different designs. Taryn and I ordered this one ( to proclaim our love for each other).

We both LOVE Modern Family. Everything about that show is pure genius. The show is on Wednesday nights on ABC at 9pm. The show features a family and all of its extensions and the hilarity that is everyday life. Every character is well developed and the situations are somewhat common and easy to relate to. Seriously, this is the most hilarious show on television right now. Watch it, or watch something else.

Taryn and I LOVE LOVE LOVE The Emperor’s New Groove. This movie was a chance stroke of genius for Disney. The story follows a selfish emperor who has been turned into a Llama and lost his way. HILARIOUS. The dialogue featuring David Spade as Kuzco the Emperor/Llama is perfection. This was probably one of the greatest movies ever made. RENT IT. THEN BUY IT. THEN GIVE IT REPEATEDLY AS CHRISTMAS GIFTS.

Whenever I am feeling down I click to this website. The fact that I am telling you (all 5 readers) about this website is proof that I love you (I don’t actually love you.). I get a lot of my random funny “original” material from this website, but it seriously brightens my day. Daily. Feelin down? Czech it out. It’s a bundle o’ laughs.

I am obsessed with this book. Mark Haddon was originally a children’s author but he took a hiatus and wrote two adult novels, this was one of them. The story follows a kindergarten boy with Autism and is told from his perspective in its entirety. You will laugh, you will cry, you will want to go work with autistic kids (because who doesn’t). It is a really good read, pick it up if you haven’t already.

We love Elf, Stars Hollow, Vacations, and Hockey.

I love Pinnacle Whipped Cream Vodka. I am not a drinker; in fact one could say that if drinking were a skill I am awful at it. This whipped cream vodka turned my life around with its deliciousness. Take a taste, it’s cheap and worth it.

And finally, we love SoCarolineSays. We’ve followed Caroline’s blog through the good times and the bad, through name changes and URL changes, we’re in love. Caroline says all the thing we wish we could with more eloquence and substance than we could ever muster. She’s also HILARIOUS. And I just love her.

And I’m done.

Look at that! We can be positive sometimes.

-A

August 28

As I was at work, doing NOTHING (actually this is busy season and I am knee deep in financial statements, NO BIG DEAL) I decided to look up random (not really) dates on wikipedia . One in particular…August 28.

Clearly Wikipedia is the source of all knowledge. Yes, ALL. I almost take it offensively when professors/people say it isn’t a legitimate source.

Uhm. Hold the phone.

Do you really know that Wiki is lying about the early childhood of Mark Wahlberg and how he is the youngest of nine children? No. You don’t. So, don’t mess with me on this one (see: Jennifer Aniston and Thanksgiving).

With that being said (angrily?) I decided to Wiki this date. And came up with some very interesting facts. LEGITIMATE facts, at that.

Before we get into the awesome historical facts, August 28th is the 240th day of the year, meaning there are only 125 days left in the year. I am a numbers person, and I love that both of those numbers are divisible by 5. I nerd out sometimes, SO WHAT. We all do. Don’t deny it.

Anyway, let’s start with the low points on this date in history…

  • In 1996, Prince Charles and Princess Diana divorce (he’s a looker, is he not?). So far, NOT so good for this date. I personally love Princess Diana. She is the predecessor to my present day love affair for Jennifer Aniston. Also, how unfortunate all the material for her dress had to go to waste! Here, for those of you not understanding my reference, take a look at the wedding dress Princess Di donned on her wedding day…it weighed 580 pounds (also divisible by 5, holla).
  • In 2005, Hurricane Katrina begins to make landfall in Louisiana and Mississippi. Which was the COSTLIEST, as well as one of the top five DEADLIEST hurricanes in United States history. To try and top that, it was the sixth STRONGEST hurricane recorded in the Atlantic. Those are some intense superlatives.
  • In 1818 Jean Baptiste Point du Sable died. Oh who is this, you’re wondering? I am glad you asked. It was the founder of Chicago! Yep. Thanks to him we have things like Oprah. And deep dish pizza (can we please look at this oxymoron of a picture?) ALSO, we have founders of cities? That seems weird to me. Wouldn’t his title just be the “person who came up with the name”?
  • In 1990, we lost a very important figure. That’s right. I am referring to none other than Willy Vandersteen, the Belgian cartoonist! Okay, I mainly put him in here as a shout out to my roots. But, ’tis sad nonetheless. Also, I wikied his cartoons…we haven’t heard of any of them. Well, probably not anyway.
  • In 2007, Arthur Jones died. His fun fact is that he invented the Nautilus exercise machines! He essentially is the reason I begrudgingly go to the gym.
  • In 2009, Adam Goldstein passed away. We all know Mr. Goldstein as DJ AM. Aka ex boyfriend of Nicole Richie. Aka really skinny guy that dated that famous singers adopted daughter.

SO SAD. What a horrible day in history, clearly!!!! Before the tears are shed, let’s take a looksie at the GOOD that befell on this day…

  • 1609, hottie with a body Henry Hudson discovers Delaware Bay. YAY
  • 1789, William Herschel discovers a new moon, entitled Enceladus, of Saturn. YAY for science!
  • 1961, Motown releases it’s first hit, “Please Mr. Postman” by the Marvelettes.  Gotta love some Motown
  • 2004, George Brunstad (who? I’m getting to it. CALM DOWN) became the oldest man to swim the English Channel. He was 70. SEVENTY. It took him 15 hours and 59 minutes. Let’s think about our relatives at or around the age of 70. Would they, COULD they do this? The answer is no. Must be those damn fish and chips that make for a healthy lifestyle!
  • In 1801 Antoine Augustin Cournot was born. Shout out to my seester, he’s a French mathematician. He actually introduced formulas and probability into economics. I did not know this! Wow. I am learning so much.
  • In 1878 George Whipple was born. As in, the doctor that discovered the disease known as the Whipple Disease (didn’t see that coming, huh). ALSO as in the episode of Grey’s where Cristina thinks that an old scrub nurse needs a Whipple, but she actually never needed one and Cristina likes her more than she thought she would. ALSO sidenote of the episode, it’s the one where a patient (Jorge) accidentally shoots himself in the head with a nail gun. SURPRISE turns out that he has a tumor and he may lose his memory aka the memory of his wife (Zona, pronounced Sonya) in red. DILEMMA. Thus one of my favorite Grey’s quotes (said by Zona), “he will still be my Jor-ge”-but in a Spanish-y accent. Love it.
  • In 1943 Lou Pinella was born. Tampa native shout out! Tampa Bay Rays shout out! Cubs shout out! Funny story, my family and I have seen Sweet Lou at our local weekly restaurant a handful of times. One time in particular my mom felt the need to talk to him. So she waltzed over and goes, “Hey Lou!”. Like they’re buddies. This story seems nonchalant, but at the time I was embarrassed.
  • In 1958, Scott Hamilton tripled axled his way onto Earth. I think he was born with skates on…or so Wiki says. Pssh how could you NOT believe this site?!
  • In 1965, Shania Twain was born. “Man! I feel like a woman”, were probably the thoughts going on in her head. Oh also, I wish I knew whose bed the boots were really under. “From this moment” on, I won’t make anymore lyrical puns. All I have to say about this is, “that don’t impress me much”.
  • In 1969, Jason Priestley was born. 9021-SHUT UP. Ugh this post makes me want to go to the Peach Pit while Dylan and Kelly making everyone’s ears bleed about how much they love each other but aren’t together. Barf. Just let me know when Brian Austin Green’s bday is. All I care about. Sorry Brando-errr, I mean Jason. Don’t judge me for knowing their names.
  • In1982, everyone’s lives were lit up when LeAnn Rimes was born (yea more lyrical puns). I am so “blue” that I have to end my excerpt on her. (Am I? No). Also. Remember when she married her dancer when she was like 11? Not really she was older, but not by much. What is with marrying your dancer? First LeAnn, then J.Lo, then Britney. COME ON PEOPLE. Give dancers a better name. “Hi I’m K Fed, I am a dancer and a divorcee” just doesn’t roll off the tongue nicely. Actually. K Fed has bigger problems than his marriage status. Literally BIGGER.
  • Finally, in 1991 Kyle Massey was born. Who? ONLY THE KID THAT I HAVEN’T KNOWN HIS NAME FOR WEEKS NOW. He was formerly known as “The kid on That’s So Raven” (referencing my Dancing With the Star’s posts). I am SO HAPPY he was on this date. It seems so appropriate considering later on today my awesomely awaited (is it?) DWTS update post will be up.

Gotta love Wikipedia

-T

How Else to Commemorate Freshman Year? Marriage, You Say?

If you totally skipped the post below this (read it), I revealed that Avalon and I are married.

Yes. MARRIED.

Four years ago TODAY Avalon and I decided it was time to shit or get off the pot (that’s just gross). Either way, we were married by a bona fide Greek Orthodox minister and is legitimized on a bona fide piece of paper, straight from Greece…

Well, straight from the kids who were assigned Greece for their Global Issues class. We were given Egypt. How was that fair?

Nonetheless it was a beautiful ceremony, and we were surrounded by lovely (ha) people from different countries around the world. There were ring pops (WHAT, I know. How jealous are you?). And weird veils. It was magical.

Anyway, to make this post even MORE creepy there are pictures (ceremony, post marriage bliss). In the second picture please note the guy walking behind us…Don’t tell Avalon’s roommate (see: fiance), but she had a huge crush on him freshman year.

Okay, okay. Even I can’t say that with a straight face…I am lying, ha. He is one of the few (ahem, many) people Avalon and I refused to take seriously whilest at University of Tampa (see: entire Global Issues class). And I can make fun in confidence, cause he (or any of them) will probably never look on this site. Hilarious.

Anyway. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO THE BESTEST FRIEND EVER (AVALON, if y’all were confused)!!! We shall be reunited in less than a month, ahhhhh!

-T

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