Bowling SUCKS

Hello faithful friends.

Today I found myself sitting at work, not doing any work [this is normal], and reading PerezHilton.com [also normal]. One of his entries today represented a little photo journalism covering the date between Vanessa Hudgens and Josh Hutchenson or whatever, who cares, no one knows who he is. After seeing this ridiculous post I began to wonder a la Carrie Bradshaw why famous people go bowling. Is it an attempt to bring them back to a simpler time when they couldn’t just fly to another country when they were bored? Are they forgetting that they probably in fact have their own bowling alley in their basement that they haven’t found yet because their house is so massive?

Regardless of their reasoning, they are unaware or possibly forgetting that bowling sucks. IT SUCKS. In case you need some convincing, I’ve laid it all out for you. In list form, obviously.

#1. It seems so easy, yet it is not. You watch people do it, roll a round ball, down a straight alley, knock down pins. Easy enough right? WRONG. IF IT WERE EASY, THERE WOULDN’T BE LEAGUES. Bowling is NOT easy, and the fact that it isn’t is the main reason why it sucks so badly. Bowling should be, by all reasoning easy, so when finds that they ended a game with a score of 75/300 it is extremely frustrating.

#2. Bowling is gross. The shoes, the balls, disgusting. Once in your RENTED bowling shoes your feet immediately start sweating through your socks, allowing a conductor [sweat] to transfer all germs in the shoe onto your feet. The holes in the balls [yup] have been touched my hundreds of people before you. There are probably colonies of bacteria living in bowling balls that haven’t even been discovered yet.

#3. It’s too easy to cheat. Any game that can be turned on its head by a few sly computer entries is flawed.

#4. Bowling injuries suck. Because you probably aren’t used to bowling, when you actually go you can bet your body hates you. Never does your body encourage you to throw 15 pound balls with one arm over and over again.

#5. Oh the Shame. Jim Gaffigan knows what I’m talking about, and he’s right. The absolute worst part about bowling is having to turn around after you just threw your ball into the next lane and face the semi-sympathetic faces of your friends. You’ll get a “good try!” or “you’ll nail it next time” when in reality you just want to spike the bowling ball on the ground and go get a drink.

Basically bowling sucks, but Vanessa Hudgens probably just thought bowling night would be a good addition to her weekly routine. You know, after Sneaker Night.

-A

Hi. I Like to Cry.

I’ve mentioned this on the blog before, but I seriously have a crying problem. If you met me you would never think, ‘oh wow, I think that girl cries like 8 times a day’. I am sarcastic and often walk around with a stone cold heart. My real life hardly ever makes me cry. In fights I don’t cry, I yell. At work I don’t cry, I get even. With my friends I don’t cry, because I have the best friends ever and they would never do that to me.

Television. Television makes me cry.

1. I guess it’s always good to start with the lamest one in hopes that by the time you have finished the list you will have forgotten how ridiculous I am. The first time I saw this COFFEE commercial I cried. I seriously need to get it together. I can watch it now without crying, but I was a sucker for the awful jingle and preposterous acting/plot line the first time.

 

2. We all know how much I love Casey Abrams on American Idol. Too much. I think he is INCREDIBLY talented and a little bit adorable all rolled up into one. A few weeks ago he received the least amount of votes and was going to end up going home, but the judges used their ONLY season save to save him from this unfair fate. Crying ensued. By me. And a little by Casey.

 

3. I also cry at adorableness. I stumbled upon this video on someone’s blog/facebook/whatever and watched it laughing with tears streaming down my face like the craziest person on the face of the planet.

 

4. I found this website and sometimes when I feel like I need to fit in one more cry for the day I visit it. Sometimes I get the feeling the little anecdotes are fake or made up, but I don’t really care. I don’t discriminate when it comes to my tears.

 

5. The other day I decided to watch the first episode of the new show Mobbed. I basically started crying immediate just because I could feel what was coming. In this show a guy loves his jealous girlfriend so much that he decides to plan [with the help of Howie Mendel] an elaborate proposal. The whole event starts with her being jealous of some skanky actress playing a lost connection of her boyfriend, and ends with tears, singing, and more tears. Most of the tears were from me. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM.

Happy crying!

-A

Avoidance 101

Hi.

I love avoiding people. You might assume that this fact is because I am a snob or a huge bitch when in fact it is really just because I am HORRIBLY AWKWARD. I run into people I know and I immediately have nothing to say. I resort to laughing awkwardly or making fun of them [maybe I am a huge bitch?] and I’m pretty sure they are silently regretting talking to me and making a mental note to never run into me ever again. When this awkwardness happened, I am not quite sure. I used to be very social and extremely fun to be around [probably not], and then suddenly I am like a hermit crab with diarrhea of the mouth. Gross.

Let me break it down for you.

Here are actual quotes from awful interactions:

“So. What’s up? Besides growing a beard.”

“I’m glad your new girlfriend is nice, the last one was awful. And Asian?”

“Living at home? You mean living the dream?”

“Oh what’s up with me? Oh nothing, I just hang out with my cat.”

And now for a pictorial montage of my avoidance.

1.

2.

 

3.

4.

 

1. The Cover-My-Face tactic. I do this often, and as you can see it is only semi-effective. If I don’t want to be having a conversation or I feel awkward, I just cover my face. The male pictured caressed my face the first time I met him. In this photo I was just protecting my poor face from a repeat offense.

2. The I-Whip-My-Hair-Back-And-Forth. This trick, similar to sunglasses, allows the user to hide behind a wall. My long very dark hair provides a shield, a veil if you will, between myself and whoever might be lurking on the other side.

3. The disguise. This genius avoidance tactic is flawless. If you are wearing a costume, no one will know who you are. BAM.

4. The Hide-In-A-Model-Train-Mountain. In this photo I am hiding in a model train mountain.

Yes. I am crazy.

So as I have mentioned maybe a thousand times, I still live in my hometown. I am in love with my hometown, but I kinda feel like maybe I need some new people in it. Like all new people.

I see people I went to high school every where [similar to poor Haley Joel Osment and his dead people]. I most often see them at the gym, just to add insult to injury. I hate going to the gym as is, and I am always instantly drenched in sweat as soon as I walk through the Judgement Free doors. My sweaty self does not want to see any semblance of an acquaintance while it is so shiny, so I had to come up with some new techniques.

1.Technology

Bring as many devices into the gym as possible to act as distractions during machine to machine transitions.

2. Watch Something Intense

If you are watching a basketball game or the news, people will assume you are invested. Skip the Hills reruns.

3. Forget to Wear a Watch

If you are caught noticing someone, squint past them into the distance, there will for sure be a clock on the wall somewhere.

4. Never Ever Take Out Your Earbuds

Self explanatory.

And there you have it.

I swear I’m not crazy. I’m not avoiding people, I am just avoiding unloading a whole truck of awkward sauce onto innocent bystanders.

-A

Vh1’s Basketball [hos] Wives

Hello friends!

It has to be obvious by now that I very much love awful television. Anything on Bravo, anything with the word “reality” in the description, and anything where someone eventually hits another person. This mindless garbage sucks me in and then I am a fan for life, similar to cigarette marketing to underage children. I’m a reality customer for life.

Pause.

A few side notes.

#1. I have never in my life been so angry that I’ve hit someone. Although I am probably not prime reality show material, I am always baffled when someone hits another person on NATIONAL TELEVISION. We all saw you assault them. In college I took an elective dance class and my “teacher” was 3 years younger than me and a complete bitch. After the semester was over I saw her at a bar, elbowed her in the crowd very hard and then told my friend the bartender there was no way she was of legal drinking age. Hello, my name is passive aggressive. Still, I didn’t hit her.

#2. I also watch normal television that is respected. I have made this point before, but I have to keep making it in order to maintain my teeny tiny smidgen of dignity I’ve managed to hold on to.

Resume.

Recently the show “Basketball Wives” has taken over my lazy days when my eyes are too tired to read a book or something. If you have seen this show you know how incredibly ridiculous all cast members are and every situation they get themselves into is. If you have yet to make time in your schedule to watch this captivating train wreck, I will enlighten you. The “Wives” are a group of women living in Miami and trying to maintain friendships with one another. This maintenance is basically impossible because of all the backstabbing, sleeping around, hitting, yelling, lying, gossiping, and general shit storming that goes on. As I was watching the season 2 reunion show I noticed this strange phenomenon that perhaps you will notice also if I explain the cast to you.

Shaunie O’Neal – formerly married to Shaquille O’Neal.

Royce Reed – formerly the girlfriend of and had a child with Orlando Magic’s Dwight Howard .

Jennifer Williams – formerly married to retired Boston Celtic’s Eric Williams.

Evelyn Lozada – formerly engaged to Antoine Walker. Currently engaged to Chad Ochocinco, the football player.

Tami Roman – formerly married to Kenny Anderson and mother of their two children.

Gloria Govan – shacking up with Matt Barnes and the mother of their two children.

Suzi Ketcham – former girlfriend of Michael Olowakandi and mother of their two children.

 

There you have it.

So. Did you notice all that they have in common? That’s right. NONE of them are basketball wives. Not to be a nitpicker here, but isn’t that the name of the show? Given the title, one would think that perhaps at least one cast member would actually be married to some semblance of a basketball player. NOPE. Maybe it is a statement? Maybe Vh1 is trying to say that it is an impossible lifestyle to maintain, that of the basketball wife?

Or maybe they just messed up and now are stuck with a hilariously misleading show title.

-A

 

Lent: A Hypothetical

As I am sure you are fully aware [or not], Lent began yesterday on Ash Wednesday [duh]. My parents grew up very very Catholic and brought us up half-ass Catholic bordering on who-cares. We celebrate Christmas with presents and mass, Easter with candy, and Ash Wednesday with…well… no recognition whatsoever.

In the forty days between Ash Wednesday and Easter a good Catholic decides on a unnecessary/extravagant part of their life they could probably do without, i.e. bacon. The idea is a fast or a sacrifice to prepare spiritually for Easter. So I should be preparing spiritually for eating too much candy my mother still buys me even though I am twenty-three years old.

Not a big deal.

But I digress. The purpose of this post is so I can divulge my hypothetical lent possibilities. Things I would sacrifice for 40 days if I were better at my religion:

#1. Girl Scout cookies:

Seriously. I need to stop. Or I need an intervention. Yesterday I think I ate 11 girl scout cookies. I wish I was lying. I ate them spread out throughout the day so I could easily lie to myself and pretend I only had two. Sadly, not the case. It is so hard to not eat the Thin Mints calling my name from the freezer. Yes, TRY THEM FROZEN.

#2. Snacking:

If snacking were an occupation, I would be a CEO. I eat breakfast, drive to work, and immediately need a snack. I eat something every 2 hours at work so I don’t die. I go home and eat a snack while I am making dinner [lots of snacks mixed together]. I love snacks. It is amazing that I am not a million pounds.

#3. Facebook:

I am the worst Facebook user on the face of the planet. I have like 2 pictures, no wall, and I am impossible to search for. I login and I just stare at my news feed. Over time I have ‘hid’ all the people on my news feed that annoy me. This annoy list ranges from my cousin [because he’s related to me] all the way to some random guy I only met once on vacation [because he keeps promoting night clubs]. Because I have ‘hid’ so many people, there are only around 4 left to even see on my actual news feed. Basically Facebook is now pointless for me, yet somehow it is still sucking my brain out daily.

#4. Television:

I watch AWFUL television. To my defense I do watch a few recognized and acclaimed shows like Big Love, Dexter, and The Office. To my downfall, I will admit that I also watch all the Real Housewives, Jersey Shore, and Grey’s Anatomy [STILL! I know, it isn’t even good anymore….]. I’m sure my mind could really use a good television cleanse…

#5. Shopping:

I love to shop. I sit at a computer for eight hours a day, and online shopping has become a bit of a problem. Last week I bought two new books, a craft hole puncher, and striped bakers twine. I know. All necessities. My account would love if I decided to give up shopping for 40 days. Sadly, that’s not going to happen.

And there you have it folks, my hypothetical Lent list. Sadly I ate a cookie for breakfast, I packed a lunch bag full of snacks, I’ve already logged on to Facebook today, I watched Ellen this morning, and I have 2 items in my Amazon.com shopping cart.

Le Sigh.

-A

Sippin’ on Gin and Juice….

Just now I was perusing the interwebs when I can came across a featured blog on the WordPress homepage. Entitled “What Was Your First Cocktail”, the article quickly had me reminiscing to a time where I drank cocktails and not just my now commonplace flat diet sprite [<worst thing ever]. Because the author is classy, he lets you know immediately that his first cocktail was a martini. Well, excuse me Sir-Class-A-Lot. I would also like to point out that during the time of his first Shaken not Stirred, the author was also married. YOUTH THESE DAYS.

I might as well let you know right off the bat that I have NEVER ordered a martini in my life. Mostly I am afraid to because the bar tender will immediately rigidly point at me like in Invasion of the Body Snatchers [the 70s version] to make sure everyone knows that I am not really and adult or prestigious enough to order such a drink. I am an impostor.

According to the Miriam-Webster dictionary the definition of cocktail is as follows: an iced drink of wine or distilled liquor mixed with flavoring ingredients.

I was under the impression that to actually classify as a cocktail it needed some sort of specific ingredient like vodka or gin or something. Who am I to argue with the dictionary.

Based on this definition my first cocktail happened before I could order it at a bar like a classy person. Now, in all honesty I don’t really remember what my first cocktail was. Despite what you may be thinking, this is not because I instantly got sooo wasted that I promptly forgot. It’s more like I try and erase bad tastes from my memory so I never have to conjure them up when people mention them in the future. Unless you are this swanky martini guy, your first drink probably wasn’t the tastiest thing your buds have ever experienced. Given these weird circumstances there are a few possible “cocktails” that may have easily taken my “first-time” spot.

Contenders:

1. Rum and Coke

2. White Russian

3. Vodka Soda

Mostly all disgusting, I know. Rum and Coke? What am I fifteen? But seriously. The first time you want to drink something you really do think about commercials you have seen on television for direction in what to purchase; ie Bacardi. Let me just tell you, Bacardi is disgusting in all forms but especially in the RAZZ form. Avoid at all costs. White Russians? Yes. Keeping in Klassy. Like a 75 year old. Last but not least, the tried and true, Vodka Soda. I still drink this, that’s how you know it’s good. I’m hoping my first cocktail was a V.Soda so I can hold on to my dignity and pretend that even as a first time drinker I was savvy. Unfortunately I think that the more likely first drink was a rum and coke, heavy on the RAZZ.

What was your first cocktail?!

-A

P.S. Writing this in the morning is making me want to throw up.

 

So, I’m ashamed…

Why you ask?

Well, I am a Celtics fan and apparently so is Aubrey O’Day. Um. Disgusting. Put your clothes back on and leave my team alone. She was born in California, why in the world is she covering herself with green paint.

Moving on.

Hello duckies!

I hope everyone had an excellent weekend! Because I am generous, I will provide an itemized summary of my weekend.

#1. I tried to spend the whole weekend in my pajamas, and I failed. Apparently I have to get dressed to go to works on Saturdays.

#2. Saturday was the premature St. Patrick’s day celebration for all the college students about to go on spring break. The bars opened at 11am and drunk hooligans were lining up at 10 in the morning…when I got to work. As I was sitting in my respectable place of work, drunk girl after drunk girl stumbled into my job and asked if we had a bathroom they could use. Quickly I determined that I did not want to clean up puke, and told them that we were in fact a shop with no bathroom. In their despair they went outside and laid down in the snow.

#3. Because of said faux holiday I almost ran over slews of intoxicated college students covered with green sparkles and donning a town’s worth of green attire while stumbling down the center of the street. Whoops.

#4. I got the girl scout cookies I ordered and I have been sampling from each box daily.  I ordered Thin Mints [duh], Samoas, the peanut butter sandwich kind and this brand new lemon sandwich cookie kind. They are all delightful. Usually I eat them for breakfast. Along with breakfast. NOT a big deal.

#4. I went out for a friend’s birthday and had 1 drink too many [so, three].

#5. I watched the Craigslist Killer on Lifetime and asked serious disbelieving questions [to myself] the entire time. “How did she not notice the cops outside of her house?”, “How did she not notice the blood all over his neck?”, “Why do these women let strange men into their hotel rooms?”, and most importantly “Was this actually shot in Boston, because I am not seeing a whole lot of familiar landmarks…”. Don’t see it, it isn’t that good.

#6. I basically finished addressing the “Save-the-Dates’ for the wedding, and I am now the proud owner of carpal tunnel hands.

#7. I cried all weekend because NOT ENOUGH OF YOU HAVE STARTED FOLLOWING US ON TWITTER. Do you not care what we have to say in 140 characters or less?! We do this for you!!

Follow us please. We need some stalkers!

-A

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