You Look SO Familiar…

In this day and age it is way too easy to be the world’s creepiest human being.

I may not be the creepiest, but I am definitely a contender.

Preface.

Freshman year of college [was it freshman year?] Taryn was totally into this guy who was a mystery to me. I never saw him and didn’t know who he was, basically I thought he was Taryn’s imaginary friend. Just kidding…[am I?]. Regardless, he ended up leaving the school after I did [convenient for her story] and then transferred to the school I go to [this was the point where I knew she wasn’t lying].

I facebooked him when he transferred and realized I didn’t know him, but was relieved he was a real person and my bffl wasn’t bat shit crazy.

Skip ahead THREE YEARS to me sitting here in my office minding my own business. A young gentleman walked in, I looked up and who is? Mr. Phantom Man! I start panicking because I feel SO CREEPY for knowing who he is, I start frantically writing scribbles in my calendar book. He starts talking to me, and I start ignoring him and gchatting Taryn telling her that I thought Mr. Guy-I-Thought-You-Made-Up was standing in front of me. Yea, I’m great at customer service. Finally I help him and he decides to get his computer fixed.

As I am literally typing his name into the computer, I ask him what his name is for show. SERIOUSLY, how creepy am I. I am now blushing and laughing at myself while this poor kid is telling me he has water damage to the power supply in his Mac.

Eventually I decide to be even more creepy and just cut my losses.

Me: “You look super familiar” [LIES ALL LIES]

Him: “Oh Yeah?”

Me: “Yeah did you go to UT?” [i am so creepy. so creepy. so creepy]

Him “Oh Yeah for a year, then I transferred here!” [Duh, I know. I know everything about you. Kidding.]

Me: “HAHA A OMG SO WEIRD ME TOO” [I need help]

I take his computer, he leaves.

Apparently blondes are his type because he was not excited enough that cute computer girl was pretending to recognize him.

Last minute I decided not to throw Taryn under the bus by saying “Oh I recognize your name because my bffl made me stalk you on facebook” and in turn made myself look like the creepiest, weirdest, computer nerd on the face of the planet.

That’s what friends are for.

-A

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Avoidance 101

Hi.

I love avoiding people. You might assume that this fact is because I am a snob or a huge bitch when in fact it is really just because I am HORRIBLY AWKWARD. I run into people I know and I immediately have nothing to say. I resort to laughing awkwardly or making fun of them [maybe I am a huge bitch?] and I’m pretty sure they are silently regretting talking to me and making a mental note to never run into me ever again. When this awkwardness happened, I am not quite sure. I used to be very social and extremely fun to be around [probably not], and then suddenly I am like a hermit crab with diarrhea of the mouth. Gross.

Let me break it down for you.

Here are actual quotes from awful interactions:

“So. What’s up? Besides growing a beard.”

“I’m glad your new girlfriend is nice, the last one was awful. And Asian?”

“Living at home? You mean living the dream?”

“Oh what’s up with me? Oh nothing, I just hang out with my cat.”

And now for a pictorial montage of my avoidance.

1.

2.

 

3.

4.

 

1. The Cover-My-Face tactic. I do this often, and as you can see it is only semi-effective. If I don’t want to be having a conversation or I feel awkward, I just cover my face. The male pictured caressed my face the first time I met him. In this photo I was just protecting my poor face from a repeat offense.

2. The I-Whip-My-Hair-Back-And-Forth. This trick, similar to sunglasses, allows the user to hide behind a wall. My long very dark hair provides a shield, a veil if you will, between myself and whoever might be lurking on the other side.

3. The disguise. This genius avoidance tactic is flawless. If you are wearing a costume, no one will know who you are. BAM.

4. The Hide-In-A-Model-Train-Mountain. In this photo I am hiding in a model train mountain.

Yes. I am crazy.

So as I have mentioned maybe a thousand times, I still live in my hometown. I am in love with my hometown, but I kinda feel like maybe I need some new people in it. Like all new people.

I see people I went to high school every where [similar to poor Haley Joel Osment and his dead people]. I most often see them at the gym, just to add insult to injury. I hate going to the gym as is, and I am always instantly drenched in sweat as soon as I walk through the Judgement Free doors. My sweaty self does not want to see any semblance of an acquaintance while it is so shiny, so I had to come up with some new techniques.

1.Technology

Bring as many devices into the gym as possible to act as distractions during machine to machine transitions.

2. Watch Something Intense

If you are watching a basketball game or the news, people will assume you are invested. Skip the Hills reruns.

3. Forget to Wear a Watch

If you are caught noticing someone, squint past them into the distance, there will for sure be a clock on the wall somewhere.

4. Never Ever Take Out Your Earbuds

Self explanatory.

And there you have it.

I swear I’m not crazy. I’m not avoiding people, I am just avoiding unloading a whole truck of awkward sauce onto innocent bystanders.

-A

But seriously, I am so awkward.

Seriously. What is this picture?

 

Am I wearing a child’s purple headband? Yes.

Am I wearing a shirt that has a tie around the neck so no skin is showing whatsoever? Yes.

Am I holding my asshole cat like he’s my love baby? Yes.

Do I have a ribbon tied around my wrist like a child? Yes.

In short: I’m awkward.

This past weekend my lovely friend Caroline and my new lovely friend Kylie graced me with their presences. They trekked into town to take some lovely photos of me and my roommate fiancée. One might say, they were there to facilitate an engagement photo shoot. [They were]

I proceeded to force them to take 5 hours of AWKWARD pictures of me. They say I wasn’t awkward, don’t listen to their lies. They did an amazing job of somehow making me look non-awkward, but I was oozing the awk sauce.

I live my life like the most awkward human being disguised as a real person, but here are a few ways the awkward rises to the brim…

#1. I keep my headphones in even if my iPod dies because I feel like someone might try and talk to me otherwise. Clearly, I think highly of myself.

#2. On the bus I sit and silently pray that no one sits next to me, and then when no one does I am insulted.

#3. Do you have a subject that is of a sensitive nature to you? Then I made fun of it. To your face. Example: “HAHA NEW JERSEY SUCKS” “I’m from New Jersey”.

#4. I overtip. On a particular episode of The Office Dwight explains he only tips people who do jobs he couldn’t do himself, ie the doctor who performed his colonoscopy. Because I am so awkward, I never want anyone to feel unappreciated. I over-tip barristas, hair stylists, manicurists, servers, ice cream scoopers…the list goes on. My roommate fiancée just stands and laughs at me.

#5. Whenever someone knocks on my door, I am naked. I don’t know what it is, but it happens without fail. I then scramble around to find some semblance of clothing [SINCE WHEN DO I PUT MY CLOTHES AWAY???], and I run to open the door. As I speak to what is surely only the FedEx guy, I realize I am wearing snowflake pants and a Forever21 sequin top. Keepin it klassy.

#6. I have a problem with names. The first issue I have is when someone introduces themselves to me, I don’t listen. At all. I don’t know why. The second issue I have is once I learn their name, I immediately forget it as soon as I go and introduce them to someone else. It’s awful, and obvious. Whoops.

#7. I don’t know how to whisper. This is awkward for obvious reasons.

#8. I don’t like vegetables. I KNOW THEY ARE GOOD FOR ME BLAH BLAH BLAH. I eat them if they are by themselves on a plate. If they are mixed in with other food…let the picking through commence. I sit in restaurants and pick microscopic vegetables out of my bread, pasta, rice, carbohydrates, food.

#9. I. am. so. clumsy. This is a recipe for awkward. I fall UP stairs, I spill food all over myself [no, I’m not pregnant], I hurt myself [and others] all the time.

#10. I LOVE BABIES. [still not pregnant]. I follow them around, try and make them smile, try and steal them, etc. I unfortunately get this from my mother, otherwise known as the child-snatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

How awkward are you on a scale from 1 – HORRIBLY AWKWARD?

-A

Another Movie Review. Seriously.

As previously mentioned, I have a huge problem. I literally go to the movies once a week. Also as previously mentioned, I only go on Tuesdays, because I am super cheap (and maybe saving for a wedding..). I love everything about the movies; the gross seats, the obnoxious kids undoubtedly sitting next to me, snacking on all sides of me, ugh! What is not to love!

Regardless, this particular brisk Tuesday evening, my dear friend Laurel and I decided on It’s Kind of a Funny Story.

After seeing the previews it seemed evident the movie would exceed the parameters of the title and in fact, be extremely funny. After failing to get even the smallest smile from the ticket taker, Laurel and I frolicked into the movie theater.

We cozied up into the most awkward positions in our seats, and waited.

[side note: while we were waiting we saw a preview for the Black Swan. Please watch the trailer, and then go cuddle a stuffed animal, because it’s creepy.]

A disclaimer – once again – If you do not want to know about this movie, go read something else, because clearly I am about to talk about it.

Based on the previews alone, I was really expecting a semi-light story line, with lots of jokes, and a cute moment here and there. I was a little misinformed. It had actually pretty heavy subject matter, that was portrayed in a semi-realistic fashion.

The movie starts with a young boy, let’s call him Craig [that’s his name], and his obsession with the fantasy of killing himself. It’s not necessarily an obsession with actually killing himself, but it’s something he thinks about all the time. He makes the executive decision to admit himself to the local NY hospital and has a surprisingly hard time convincing the doctors there he is suicidal. In the ER waiting room he meets a man we will call Bobby [also his name] who appears to be a Doctor. Bobby is played to a near perfection by funny man Zach Galifianakis, and is actually a psych patient in disguise.

Once admitted Craig realizes to his horror that there is no insta-fix to his problems, and that he just gave up 5 days of his life. He also realizes Bobby is in fact, not a doctor. Once in his temporary room in the ward, Craig starts to have a change of heart. Bobby, mixed with the other crazy people, mixed with Craig’s antisocial roommate, forces Craig to feign wellness in attempt to escape. His escape attempt fails and Craig is forced to assimilate with the rest of the crazies.

The movie follows Craig’s personal journey as well as his relationships with the people he comes in contact with. Craig learns to appreciate the life he has through Bobby, he discovers he can draw AND sing, and he also finds himself a saucy little mink.

[side note: his father is played by Jim Gaffigan, a personal hero of mine]

[side note2: his mother is played by Lauren Graham. I’m more than in love with Gilmore Girls. I can’t help it.]

[side note3: the floor supervisor is the same actor who played the scientist Daniel Faraday in Lost. I kept expecting him to reveal an epic secret that would for sure be a game changer.]

Things I liked about this movie.

The soundtrack. As Laurel said “I’d watch squirrels mate to a good sound track”. Aside from the fact that I made that quote up, the soundtrack is divine.  The song “Oh My God” from  the lovely Norwegian Ida Maria is featured in the trailer, and is a glimpse of the goodies inside.

The awkward dialogue. In case you didn’t already figure it out, I LOVE AWKWARD DIALOGUE. I love awkward people, I love awkward conversation, I am awkward. I love Wes Anderson movies, I love the first 2 seasons of the office when Pam and Jim are awkward, I love Michael Cera.

The meaningful moments. There are more than a few instances in this movie that really make you appreciate humanity and doing nice things for others. I made that girly “oh gosh!” face more than once.

The believable relationships. The relationships formed and forming in this movie were actually believable, unlike the relationship in Dear John. Oh you didn’t see it? Congratulations on having two more hours of your LIFE than I do.

The Euphoric Aftermath. Laurel and I both sheepishly admitted to feeling high on life after we left the theater. Instead of a dumb ending, it was a real ending. Not all the ends were tied, which is what happens in real life.

Basically, I liked this movie. It starts slow, but it’s worth it. I promise. Unless you don’t love awkward, and if that’s the case, you will just find it awkward.

-A

HI! My middle name is awkward.

Last night Laurel surprised me with an early birthday present [my birthday is OCTOBER 15th put it in your calendar] and took me to a concert at our local adorable music hall.  It was a rainy dreary night and I was secretly reluctant to go out BECAUSE MY FACE IS STILL SWOLLEN.

Regardless, we made our way into the teeny tiny venue/restaurant and we were seated front and center of the teeny tiny stage. We got comfortable and ordered some beer and French fries in preparation for a surely awesome concert.

The opener came out.

So did the demons inside of us.

The opening act was so talented, so nervous, and looked like he was about 15. The first words out of his mouth gave way to the fact that he was from Nashville, Tennessee.  This was when Laurel and I got inappropriate. We have a disease and the main symptom is we talk too loudly.

Avalon: “OOO LAUREL! NASHVILLE! MAYBE HE WILL LET YOU SLEEP ON HIS COUCH!”

Laurel: “OH GOSH MAYBE. HOW OLD IS HE? HE LOOKS 14.”

Yes, these are actual excerpts from our conversation. This is the room we were in. Clearly he could hear us. Then Ali got there.

Ali: “LAUREL YOU CAN HAVE HIM IF HE CUTS HIS HAIR.”

Do all my friends have this disease? Maybe. Why didn’t we get kicked out you ask? No idea. To be fair, we weren’t really aware of how loud we were actually being. This doesn’t make it better it just makes me feel better. OKAY?!

After Tyler James finished his set we anxiously awaited the main event and what drew us to the concert in the first place. Griffin House is a sweet unique singer that looks a little too much like an emaciated Bono.

We were all slightly in love with G. House [well, except Ali maybe] and proclaimed this love in the same loud fashion as before at our tiny table in the middle of the room. We sat there swaying to his sweet ballads, commenting how Bono-ish he looked while our waitress flashed us maybe a thousand times.

[One particular song was hilarious, called Woman with the Beautiful Hair. His preface: one day he was sitting around remembering the angst and heartache of a break up in 9th grade. His skankalicious GF left him for a senior basketball player. G. House then admitted to spending his nights lying in bed fantasizing about killing the man who took his love away. So he wrote a murder ballad. How perfect is that. The chorus went something like “I wanna take you down to the river….and watch you drownnnnnn”. We’ve all wanted to kill someone…right? Anyone?]

When the show ended my gaggle and I were high on live music and greasy food, ready to conquer the rest of the evening [see: play Mario Kart]. As we were getting ready to leave G. House announced he would be standing at the door to say his hellos to the crowd [see: 30 people] as we left.  Now readers, you must understand something. I love music and feel it in my bones, but I don’t know how to be a groupie. In fact, I have such a strong aversion to being a groupie that I don’t even know how to have a normal conversation with a performer.

[side tangent: As young children [16] Laurel and I went to an Aesop Rock show. We were standing in the back of the club when a creepy hooded guy tried to “spit game” if you will. In true Laurel and Avalon form we frowned and ran away. Then the hooded guy went on stage. And introduced himself as Aesop Rock. Groupies all over the world: 1, Avalon and Laurel: 0].

After about 2 seconds of waiting in line for G. House we decided we had to leave, so we tried to skip the line and dip out of the only door as quickly as possible. Unfortunately there was a break in the crowd, and we ended up face to face with G. House himself.  Normal people in our situation would have shaken his hand, told him his music is inspiring, and flashed him a big smile before braving the rain. That is not what we did, we are not normal.

We practically sprinted by him, made 2 second eye contact, mumbled unintelligible words and fled.

Awesome.

And that is the story of how we almost met Griffin House.

[fail]

-A