“If a guy doesn’t call you, he doesn’t want to call you”

Breakups – we just don’t know how to deal, do we?

I am a female with a slew of female friends and I have seen more breakups than I care to remember. Not to out myself and all of my acquaintances in a stereotyped box, but we have all dealt with these heartbreaks in pretty much the same fashion.

Like crazy people.

Something about breakups really brings out the crazy. I’m not talking padded-room-crazy, I’m talking shrines-in-the-closet and egging-your-house crazy. Now this crazy may fade with time, but it never truly disappears.  You remember that breakup in high school. Yea, the one where you were the one who ended it, but then you had to watch your ex date your rival… let crazy commence. Five YEARS later you see them in your hometown bar looking taller than you remember sipping on some microbrew, and you feel the crazy bubbling to the surface (somehow the microbrew ended up all over his faded button-up?).

Cue: “He’s Just Not That Into You”.

I don’t LOVE all chick flicks blindly, and I don’t even love HJNTIY I just think the movie has a valid point. Maybe a little harsh for our token romantics (dummies), but still valid. In the movie Ginnifer Goodwin [love her!] notes in the beginning that we are programmed to just assume that all guys like us. Our brains are practically ingrained to expect guys who act aloof, indifferent, and even mean actually like us. HOW ASS BACKWARDS IS THAT?! After that warped logic we expect ourselves to deal with breakups like a rational human being. Obviously, that is impossible. We take rational, and we turn it crazy.

Normal tips on coping with a break up, and how we interpret it [see: crazytown]

1. A new hairstyleHow we make it crazy: We do something so drastic, it looks very Britney.

2. See someone new. How we make it crazy: They are friends with our ex.

3. Sleep In! How we make it crazy: We stay in bed for days, develop bed sores, and start a
kitchen between the sheets.

4. Get dressed up and go out! How we make it crazy: We borrow outfits from a stripper and go home with the townie carrying a guitar. Not in a cute way. In a homeless way.

5. Use your phones to reconnect! How we make it crazy: We erase the ex’s phone number, go out, and then call them later anyways. Obviously the number is committed to memory.

6. Meet up with old friends! How we make it crazy: We meet up with people who are friends with the ex in an attempt to complete a “coincidental encounter”, only to ignore them and laugh REALLY REALLY LOUD.

7. Go about your normal everyday routine. How we make it crazy: we stalk. We facebook stalk, old-stomping grounds stalk, we stalk through family members, we stalk through friends….it really is unhealthy.

8. Remind yourself why you and your ex were not a right fit! How we make it crazy: Time-induced memory loss. We forget over time [see:3 days] all of the shitty things about our ex, and we begin to only remember that ONE TIME we found flowers on our step that you claimed to have bought [although they looked remarkably like the flowers planted in the apartment complex…]

9. Distract yourself! How we make it crazy: Two words, CHICK FLICKS. We LOVE to pop in a good movie, and get our sob on. Instead of watching normal movies, we go to the video store in our pajamas with ice cream matting our hair and rent The Notebook, PS I Love You, Titanic, A Walk to Remember, and The Time Travelers Wife. We then convince ourselves that if two people separated by society, two people separated by DEATH, two people separated by a MONUMENTAL ACCIDENT, two people separated by LUKEMIA, and two people separated by TIME can all make it, than so can you and your douchey ex. SOUND LOGIC.

Fellow crazies, it’s time to get real.

If someone doesn’t want to be with you, then why in the WORLD would you want to be with them?! We need to get selfish. I MEAN IT! We need to start caring more about ourselves than our breakups, or our exs. We need to hold realistic breakup movies on a pedestal like Lars and The Real Girl and Forgetting Sarah Marshall [hint: they all move on]. We need to let them go, and move on with our lives. Get a haircut because you have split ends, wake up early and go outside instead of sleeping in, focus on the future not the past!

And stop being crazy.
-A
[My name is Avalon and its been 15 days since I’ve been crazy. We’re all a work in progress]

My unhealthy attachment to fictional couples.

Hello (3) readers,

Taryn and I often take to the blog to talk about television. Regardless of the fact that I don’t have cable (I’m cheap) I somehow manage to keep up to date with SO MUCH TELEVISION.

I am what you would call a multitasker. I never sit down and watch something, I need to be doing something else at the same time (some might call this ADD. Potato, PoTOTo). I watch TV (hulu) and clean, do crafts, cook… you name it.

Through this array of TV multitasking, I have become emotionally involved with several television shows and the characters portrayed on them. Before I delve into this emotional issue, I will preface that I am not weird. Well, I am a little weird, but not socially weird. I have friends, I have a roommate (fiance), I have a cat, I love my family, I have co workers, I have a hilarious relationship with my mailman. In short, I have normal real life relationships so a lack thereof is not the reason I pine over fictional relationships.

CLEAR?! Clear.

So, on this bright and crisp Saturday morning I decided I would do you the favor of sharing with you the EPIC fictional relationships that have changed my life (not really).

#1. Izze Stevens and Denny Douquette

I was sick my freshman year of college and my devil roommate (Satan for this suggestion) suggested I watch Grey’s to pass the time. It became an addiction. The show is A-W-F-U-L now and I still watch it. I watched with bated breath as Izze met Denny, and fell in love. Knowing that shows enjoy my tears, I knew he was going to die. Even with the knowledge of his eventual demise, I cried LIKE A BABY when he died. I still cry over it. Every night.

#2. Rory Gilmore and Logan Huntzberger. (Runner Up: Lorelai Gilmore and Luke Dane)

Oh the Gilmore Girls: such an integral part of my life. I loved the banter, the dumb jokes, and the faux town. MOSTLY I loved Logan Huntzberger. I loved his trust fund hair and his unreliable smile. They had the best relationship known to man. He was charming, smart, and so attractive. Then, at her graduation, he proposed. AND SHE SAID NO. I still am heartbroken over this. He even promised her an avocado tree. I only watched the last episode once, so I only had to live through the heartbreak once.

#3. Pam Beezley and Jim Halpert. (Runner Up: Holly and Michael Scott)

The first time I watched The Office I hated it. Then I decided to stop being so uptight and give in to laughter. But seriously, I’m a girl so the subtle romance between Pam and Jim stole my life from me. I hate sarcasm, but I love Pam and Jim (see what I did there?). I will admit that I love them less now that they are married with child, but I still love them. Perhaps I like couples best when they are angsty? Seriously though, Pam and Jim make love real. [I told you, I’m a sad human being].

#4. Rita and Dexter Morgan

At first she seemed dumb as a door nail, but then I began to love Ms. Rita.  I believe that she secretly knew that Dexter was getting his righteous kill on, but its an unproven hypothesis. SPOILER ALERT: she gets killed. It was sad. I feel for Dexter, I loved them together. Mostly because I want to date that show.

#5. Seth Cohen and Summer Roberts

Yes, I watched The OC, WHO DIDN’T?! But seriously, I think on this one, I was mostly in love with Seth. He was so adorable, nerdy, smart, creative…ugh I could go on forever. He wasn’t stupid (Ryan), he wasn’t reckless (Ryan), he didn’t have a swipsy swapsy girlfriend (Ryan). I loved how socially awkward he was, and I loved Captain Oats. So essentially… I guess I just loved Seth Cohen. Whoops.

#6. Every relationship on Nip/Tuck

I started watching Nip/Tuck this summer. I finished Nip/Tuck this summer. Seriously, that show is ADDICTING. I ended the show hating everyone on it, but that show has epic relationships on it. Crazy people, incest, transvestites, cheating, bisexuals, the list goes on. These relationships were epic because it made me NEVER want to go to California, NEVER get plastic surgery and NEVER want my best friend anywhere near my spouse (you hear me TARYN? JK). It made me cynical. I’m over it.

Are you as obsessed as I am?

-A