We are WINNING

In other news, I’m kind of a big deal.

That’s my cryptic way of telling you I have some news to share soon.

On to bigger and better things. So, I might as well warn you now dear reader, this entry is going to be extremely petty. If that seems like it might offend you, go read something else.

Breakups suck, we all know this. They are usually difficult, uncomfortable, and in the worst cases; they are sad. Breakup aftermath is just bananas. For girls, [I might be letting the cat out of the bag here] it becomes a silent competition. It is IMPERATIVE that girls feel like they are better off and doing bigger things than their ex boyfriend. This crazy town logic is especially true if your ex is an asshole.

A little background.

My ex boyfriend was a huge jerk. We dated for way way way too long, he was rude, possibly an alcoholic, and kinda dumb. He was mean, insecure, and so so so very needy. Because I am a good girlfriend [see: I was an idiot] I was very attentive and catered to his ridiculous personality despite what my parents and friends tried to tell me. Eventually I snapped out of it and moved on, but not without carrying resentment for my wasted years [right Liz?].

Taryn’s ex boyfriend [yes, I am speaking for her] was ALSO a huge jerk. They also dated for way too long. He was also rude and kinda dumb. He was also mean and insecure and worst of all he thought he was funny. Because Taryn is a good girlfriend [see: she was being an idiot] she stuck around for awhile hoping that maybe he would get his head out of his ass and realize what a catch she was. They eventually broke up, and Taryn carried this same resentment.

Okay. Now you’re caught up.

Currently:

I am a college grad with a legit job and I am engaged.

Taryn is a college grad with a grown up job, an awesome kickball team, and guys are literally blowing up her phone so much she needs to have it on silent.

And…

My ex took 5 years to finish college and just acquired his third DUI.

Taryn’s ex is possibly still in his undergrad at 24 and tried to tell her he drove a Range Rover. He lied.

We won.

You can win too.

-A

Crazy Exes are What We Have in Common

After indulging in Taryn’s crazy ex post, I have to say I was inspired. Now while her ex is loony toons, I have an ex who is BAT SHIT CRAZY. So crazy in fact, that he will probably read this post and add to the voodoo doll of me he has undoubtedly made and hid under his crazy pills under his bed. I can’t even begin to tell you all the crazy things my ex did. As I am writing this a thousand examples are running through my brain, and all I can do is just laugh.

One time he threatened to kill someone with his penis.

He wanted to beat up my good friend because the friend said he “dressed gay”.

He magically got poison ivy on his genitals.

And on his hands…

He split his head open while in the bathroom, dragged everyone and their mother to the ER with him, and they gave him a band aid.

No matter how many times I told him, he insisted beautiful was in fact spelled beutiful. And Xylophone was spelled with a Z. Perhaps he skipped kindergarten.

Hoping to break up a BEAUTIFUL relationship he tried to pin Taryn and I against each other, which could NEVER happen. We’re soulmates.

Then we broke up, and the crazy dragon was unleashed. I got drunk calls, sad calls, booty calls, you name it. I got called names followed by pleas of reuniting, followed by hook up propositions just in case I lost my mind as well.

I got unfriended, refriended, blocked, unblocked, harassed, all through facebook (yes, facebook is the culprit here). I dealt with it all because I am a firm believer of trying to maintain civil relations with ex’s. There was obviously something once worthwhile in an ex, so they don’t need to be run over just because you broke up. Obviously this particular ex was making it difficult to avoid vehicular manslaughter.

Literally 3 years after I broke his achy breaky heart I get a phone call at 7 in the morning. OBVIOUSLY I don’t answer, but I’m irritated, because I wake up at 8 and nothing is more irritating than being woken up right before you have to get up.

So I maturely text him:

“I thought we were done with the drunk dials”

And I get back, so eloquently and full of intelligence:

“Hahh I’m not drunk. I’m in the airport and wanted to catch up. WAnna tlk?”

WHAT?! At 7 in the morning!?

Exactly. Crazy. High five Taryn, we escaped. Let’s change our phone numbers?

-A

Uncalled For. Texts from the EX edition

So, I dated my ex for about a year and a half, which was about a year and 4 months too long in everyone’s opinion. ALAS, we broke up…a year ago.

Now, I am not one to cry and wallow in self pity because I don’t have someone at my side anymore. In fact it’s the opposite. YES I buy a tub of Ben and Jerry’s and grab some spoons. Not because I am about to drown my tears in mint chocolate chip while watching girly chic flicks (Avalon’s typical Saturday nights, joking) however….but it’s because I am throwing a party and ice cream is a necessary party item.

So after Mr. Crazy got the ole heave ho, he did in fact keep living up to his nickname. Now, I could go on a huge rant of how crazy he got (move to Europe, what?). Or how bipolar he acted (telling me to buy the new John Mayer cd, then calling me the b-word after I texted back with the word “Why?”. In reality one word SMACKS IN THE FACE do warrant the b word, but still. Y’all are on my side, remember?). Or how oblivious he became (calling me names, blocking me on fbook (ouch, really hurt. not), then messaging MY BEST FRIEND saying he’s going to be in her state and they should “hang”). Now, I COULD talk about such things…but I will not.

A couple of weeks (a month, maybe?) we got back in contact….aka he friended me on Fbook.

Facebook, as we all know, is the devil in html form. It makes seemingly normal people go crazy for hours at a time. So clearly, I accepted.

Lets face it. I was curious about what’s hes up to.

  • Are you still a loser?
  • Did you FINALLY graduate college? -he didn’t-
  • Do you have a job?
  • IN ESSENCE, Did I win in this break up scenario?

Well, my fellow readers, the answer to all of that is….I TOTALLY WON. Hands down.

So APPARENTLY me accepting the impending friend request was his green light to use my phone number again. He randomly calls (I don’t answer, duh). And he texts (I do answer, cause I love the thought of someone receiving a sarcastic and mean text IMMEDIATELY). Now this brings me to the reason for posting…

Last night around 10 something I was getting ready for bed, cause I’m a grandma, and I see I missed a call from you know who. I disregard and fall asleep. Just to wake up in the morning to two more missed calls, all at 1 in the morning. WHO IS AWAKE AT THAT HOUR ON A TUESDAY? Then I go to work and get a text around 12 that says this:

11:52 AM- Sowwy bout the call but i wanted to see if y’all wanted to come out cause we were hangin out with lady antebellum last night.

uhm. okay

1. Am I supposed to be impressed? Cause I’m not. I actually can’t stand that one song she has. Also, why would she name herself something with Lady in front of it…clearly I am going to think you’re unoriginal cause Lady Gaga is the one and only. Moving on.

2. Am I supposed to beSO UPSET I missed out on such fun opportunities if I would’ve stayed with you? Mind you I get a text almost every night to go to some bar…such fun opportunities, alright. I really wish I could piss away a degree and money on cheap beer.

3. Are you a child? Use your r’s. I don’t take childlike gibberish seriously from anybody over the age of 7. Except maybe when people are talking to their dogs (ie Tawyn wuvs the mister Bossyman)

Ugh. I don’t know why I got so annoyed. Btw the conversation is still going on…I blame this all on Facebook.

-T

PS. I just had my first Jimmy Johns experience. DELICIOUS. I may or may not have looked like this…