I Remember When Corn Rows Were Cool…

I just received an email from my one and only sister.

No, we aren’t at work (yes we are). No, we aren’t sitting 6 feet away from each other (yes we are). No, we weren’t those girls who swooned over boy bands and still know their songs (yes we are).

Regardless. I got an email from her with the subject line, “I remember when corn rows were cool…”. With a subject line like that, I didn’t even need to open the email. I just knew I was in for a jolly good time.

And of course there was a link, and before the link she writes “ENJOY. NOW. Don’t laugh out loud”.

DON’T LAUGH OUT LOUD?!

Clearly I immediately start laughing, even before opening the link. But unfortunately I could not stop the laughs from echoing and the tears from flowing. My co worker (haven’t heard from him in a while, huh. Well it’s only Tuesday) then is like, are you okay? We have tissues. Then proceeds to get me tissues, which is hilarious cause I wasn’t crying out of pain but SHEER JOY. The sad part is, is that I couldn’t even get through the whole link. I literally got through 1/5 of the site before I did that laugh where it all of a sudden (but in the end you knew it was going to happen) BUSTS out and scares everyone in the room.

So, now that I have built it up so much…

ENJOY. NOW. Don’t laugh at loud. Oh and, we all still love you Justin Timberlake. Everyone makes mistakes

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/the-25-most-embarrassing-pictures-of-justin-timber

-T

Start Unzipping, Parker. Straight…in Diamonds.

If we recall, I love games (see: I kicked my co workers butt at Skeeball). So any time a game or tournament arises, I will most likely be intrigued/want to DOMINATE.

Well, it has come to my attention that tomorrow (yes the day after TODAY) I will be in a poker tournament of a CLIENTS for WORK.

Uhm.

What.

I know two things about poker- it uses the whole deck (52 cards?) and there are certain hands to attain that sound an awful like terms in Yahtzee.

And, THAT’S IT.

Google is not teaching me fast enough! Now all the pressure is on me to just simply NOT LOOK DUMB.

Ugh, I can see it now. Me. Crying in humiliation. Mascara running down my cheeks. Overturning tables on my way out. Poker chips and cards flying everywhere. Me breaking a heel because I thought I could kick a table over…

Actually, the only thing that would most likely is me crying…but probably in the bathroom of the tournament place (Casino?). I am not too proud to have a prom night cry fest in the bathroom.

I just hope my inner competitiveness doesn’t come out. Considering my past experiences with losing, I don’t handle it well. Now, I am not a sore loser or anything. But if you rub it in my face and act like a know-it-all, I WILL CALL YOU OUT AND BE A HUGE BI-ATCH. I don’t apologize either; your tears won’t make me feel bad.

That whole paragraph wreaks of the A-word….(no, not awful) Awesome.

Nonetheless, while I was thinking about me actually playing poker (aka sweating my ass off cause I am nervous) I thought about one thing…The Parent Trap. So I leave you all with a super awesome movie, that we all know and love. Also starring one of the most honorable woman of our time, Lindsay Lohan. They grow up so fast, don’t they?!

-T

PS. Lindsay Lohan and I share the same birthday. Thats only thing we have in common…besides my constant drug busts, nbd.

Who Gets Denied from a PIANO BAR??

The story of my Saturday [which has nothing to do with a Piano Bar. Ask Taryn]…

Well actually, this is going to be an in depth investigation of about 10 minutes of my day on Saturday.

I work every Saturday in my quaint little shop from 10am to 3pm and I do a lot of wishing I was outside. This particular Saturday I kept myself busy by making labels and putting stamps on envelopes (saucy).

As the day was coming to a close a horrible, horrible thing happened. We had a recent power surge, so our alarm system was a little bit off. Forgetting this helpful tid bit I went to set the alarm and it said “WARNINGGGGGGGGGGGG: BYPASS ALLOWED!!!!”

WTF DOES THAT MEAN.

SO I panicked, because that’s what I do. I go from calm to panicked in an unreasonably short amount of time. I’m pretty much the only person at my job who knows anything about the alarm system [if I died, they would have to get the alarm system REPLACED]. Being the only person, I felt personally responsible for weird messages on our alarm and I would feel definitely responsible if we got broken into and thousands of dollars of stuff I couldn’t replace went missing.

So, like I said, I freaked out. Once you’ve set the alarm at my job you have 30 seconds to leave and lock the door. I tried frantically to stop the 30 second countdown so I could figure out what this ominous warning meant. On top of all that stress I had to pee like there was no tomorrow. In a reckless moment, I decided to let the alarm just set, fix it in a second, and finally go pee [TMI? Go read a different blog]. As I’m peeing and I hear the alarm finish setting, I come to my senses.

WE HAVE MOTION DETECTORS IN MY JOB.

Yup. I set the alarm with motion detectors while still in the building. I sat in the bathroom considering my options.

#1. I could 007 try to unplug the wires to the alarm system [like I have any idea how to do that].

#2. I could call my coworker who lives a half hour away to come open the door [EXCEPT THERE ISN’T A PHONE IN THE BATHROOM].

#3. I could just stay there until Monday morning, sleep in a bathroom, not go home. Etc.

#4. I could just run to the alarm panel, set off the alarm, and suck it.

I chose number 1.

JUST KIDDING.

Anyways, I chose number 4 and ran to the front of the building as the ear splitting alarm was reverberating in my brain. After what seemed like 8 days I got to the alarm panel and turned off the terrible noise. As I’m turning off the alarm I recall that the alarm does have a purpose and the alarm company is in fact going to be notified. I frantically text my boss telling him I set off the alarm just in case the alarm company calls [did I mention he is at a weekend wedding?? Playing golf? I’m sure he LOVED that text message].

As I’m silently pleading to teleport out of this frantic situation, a cop car comes WHIZZING into the parking lot.

OH YEAH, THE COPS COME WHEN THE ALARM GOES OFF.

Did I mention I have a cop phobia? Like elevated blood pressure upon sight?

“OH hayyy there. Um hi. Police Officer. So, um, are you coming because the um alarm went off?”

“Oh yea actually!”

“Oh um cool. Well I actually set that off.”

“Oh! So you work there I assume”

“Yup.”

“And your name?”

“Avalon.” That’s right, only first names for police officers apparently.

“Alright well thanks! Have a nice day!”

The cop looked like this. I barely noticed. Barely.

And that is the story of how I had a 10 minute heart attack.

Oh yea, and we have to pay 500 dollars because the cops came. Awesome.

-A

[sidenote: the store next to ours is a television repair shop. The owner ordered a part off of Ebay and it was packaged with stuffed animals. Yup. Stuffed animals.]

Did They Get Their Bagels? Edition 1 of MANY

WITHOUT FAIL my co worker (the one who thinks he’s my boss, but really he isn’t) makes me angry within FIVE MINUTES of being at work. Without fail. It’s unbelievable how predictable he is (well, aren’t all men?). Ugh. A little breakdown of the predictability, shall we?

1. He thinks he’s funnier than me.

Example: One time I got really red at the beach (one time, hahahaha funny joke). Note that I said RED not BURNED. This post could ACTUALLY be used for another segment of, Wheel of Pet Peeves, because anyone who knows me has heard this rant (more than once). It’s a little diddy I like to call, “It’ll tan in the morning, biotches”. No matter how red my “tan” looks, it never hurts and does tan within 1 to 2 days. But alas, people have to give their unwarranted opinions. It doesn’t even have to be people I know. Cashiers at Publix (grocery store) even chime in. They’re the same phrases I hear over and over and over… “Ouch that must hurt” (it doesn’t). Or “whoa someone went to the beach!” (ya think?). And now for my personal favorite, “wow you are really red” (NO SHIT SHERLOCK, IM NOT BLIND). Nonetheless, the co worker, WITHOUT FAIL puts his two cents in come Monday morning with the SAME JOKE. “Oh so you opted for baby oil again?”. Then he proceeds to laugh hysterically, and runs and tells my boss the joke, cause he thinks it’s so hilarious. So I just sit there, boiling (my face is already hot from the sun’s rays, and him talking about it makes them burn more). UGH. This week I had the dumbest comeback…”you’re just jealous.” He got all defensive, which I thought was AWESOME because it really was a horrible 5th grade comeback. Nonetheless, he is not funnier than me.

2. He gives me wrong information, and then doesn’t understand why I didn’t know otherwise.

Example: The other day we had to be at a client’s at 9 (yeah, I have clients, NBD). I left in plenty of time, got there at 840. Boo ya Kasha, as the Avalonasaurus, would say. So I sit and wait and talk to my momma, which was fine, until it gets to be around 855. I text the co worker (lets think of a better nickname?) asking who I ask for since no one else is there. His response? “Oh everyone has been here! Where are you?” UHM WHAT. NO. NO ONE IS HERE. Needless to say, he gave me the wrong address and I got to the clients at 903 (it was right down the road). So I looked like the incompetent one, and he was the hero for getting me to the client. COOL. Good thing my bosses love me and didn’t say anything.

3. He talks and says things

Example: EVERYDAY OF MY LIFE (except Saturday and Sunday). He opens his mouth and I just KNOW it something I am going to find annoying. I brought bagels in for our client today (I know, I know. How sweet…my boss actually asked me to do so, but I’ll take the credit). He is like, go into their office and make sure so and so knows they’re here. Here is where I want to punch him…I take them over, say I want to know where to put the bagels, so a lady takes me to the break room (in a separate office). So I put them in there, tell her to tell everyone, and I walk my happy little butt back to the conference room. First question out of his mouth, “So you gave them the bagels?”. Oh wait, that was my task? See, I thought when you said “bring them the bagels” that meant I was supposed to go to my car and inhale 18 bagels in 2 minutes. WHOOPS, my bad. So I was like, “yeah some lady showed me the kitchen”. Next question, “does she work in accounting?”. Me: “Uhm, I don’t know. She was really nice and was in the accounting office?” Him: “Oh well, we normally (I hate that phrase, we normally UGH) tell everyone in accounting first”. Me: “Oh, I did. That office has like four cubicles, and I practically announced it when I walked in”. Him: (sighing) “Well, that’s not the way we do it. We make sure they all hear that there are bagels”. Me:” I TOLD THE LADY TO ANNOUNCE IT TOO.”Him: (chuckling but you can tell he’s baffled at my apparent RETARDEDNESS) “Well the main point is to get accounting their share first.” This is my cue to stand up and say, “I’ll go tell them again, bye”. LIKE WHAT THE EFF. If he is so worried, he should’ve told them. I mean I told people, I announced it to the FOUR CUBICLE ROOM, what else was I supposed to do? Cream cheese their bagel and force feed it to t hem? Ugh.

Sidenote to all of this. I had to go to a networking event with him last night at Gameworks. Guess who kicks butt at arcade games. NOT HIM. I practically owned Skeeball and racing games…I channeled the inner 9 year old boy in me. Not that I take much pride in winning those games, but when it comes to BEATING MY CO WORKER, I relish in that. And will continue to do so, because he definitely took them more seriously and this is a way to annoy him. It’s hard being awesome, isn’t it?

-T