The Only Straight I Am Is A Straight Up Bitch

Glee fans, anyone?

If not, I will clue you in. A character named Santana is trying to blackmail a fellow classmate into doing what she wants. Santana recently realized that she was a lesbian, so ends the scene with the amazing blog entry title:

“The only straight I am is a straight up bitch”.

While neither Taryn nor I are lesbians or straight up bitches, we have been neglecting the blog. We are sorry to all of you [3] readers, we know it is a disappointment to check and recheck a blog anxious for an update and receive nothing. For days.

In our defense, we are really really busy. Unfortunately this blog doesn’t pay enough [see: not at all] to fund our lives, so we need real lives and jobs on the side. AWFUL, I know. We are currently working on winning the lottery slash getting someone to think we are funny enough to pay us to do something else, but until that day comes we are stuck in our real people jobs.

I am mostly busy because I am trying to scrape together some semblance of a wedding by the end of August. I once read that successfully planning a wedding without a wedding planner took about 40 hours of work a week. EXCUSE ME. So not only do I work my real job for 40 hours a week, I also need to allot 40 hours to planning the most excessive day of my life. Basically I’m working CEO hours and getting McDonald’s pay. IT’S FINE.

Taryn is a big girl, and has a big girl schedule, which is just as inconvenient. Taryn does accounting of sorts, so you can imagine that this time of year would be super hectic for her. Why you ask? If you have to ask, you didn’t file your taxes, and you are currently screwed. Taryn is saving businesses and lives, so blogging time has been hard to come by.

We’ll be back soon in full force, we promise.

Maybe even today.


A [&T]


Is this for real?

…I am sure this is what EVERYONE is thinking. Well to answer the impending question, yes. This is FOR REAL. It isn’t a mirage, it isn’t a dream, it isn’t a nightmare (why would it be?). You’re other favorite author is BACK!

It’s 2011, if you didn’t get that memo, and I have a feeling it is going to be one to remember. Going along with New Year tradition, I shall list my resolutions. They are short and sweet and unlike past resolutions, I WILL ACTUALLY DO THEM.

They are as follows:

1. Be a better person- Negativity gets you nowhere. It also takes more effort to be mean, than it does to be nice.

2. Work out/eat healthy- I went into the New Years already on some sort of kick, so I guess my resolution should be to keep it going.

3. Gain more self esteem- This one goes hand in hand with #2. Confidence really is more attractive. Nobody notices the little pudge in your stomach, only you do. Also I have included a blast from the past video. Nothing like a little TLC to reinforce this resolution…in the words of Chili, “just stop trippin”.  

4. Get a boyfriend- Whaaaat did I really say that? I may or may not have watched When Harry Met Sally last night. It’s a great movie revolving around acquaintances turned friends turned accidental lovers turned SOULMATES. They finally admit it to each other AT NEW YEARS. Ugh, I die. So yeah. Aud Lang with a little Syne…on the side.

5. Figure out what I want to do in the job area- Although accounting has been an experience, and I love my bosses, it seems as though it is coming to an end. No one should cringe at the sound of “trial balances”.

6. Move somewhere- I know my mom is reading this and being like, TARYN CHRISTINE (oh yeah, that’s my middle name), but for reals. I want to try something new! I’ve been in Tampa for 22 years. Actually 22 1/2 years. Yes, I will miss the beach. Yes, I will miss wearing sandals almost year round. And YES, I will miss Publix. But it is time.

Annd that rounds out my resolutions. I am sure I will think of more as the year goes on, but these are at least a good start!

Hello 2011. Bring it on.


PS. I am glad Avalon shared with y’all the Surprise Engagement New Years Eve Party…It could not have been more perfect! Clayton and I were troopers, and didn’t realize we had it in us to keep a secret THAT LONG. Also, if any of you know Avalon and I, you would know that we are HUGE on planning and making schedules, then KEEPING said schedules. So I knew changing up the plans on her literally would make her want to die. It was hard, but we managed…mainly thanks to Clayton’s mental ability to keep eating.

PPS. Is it just Kasey and I who vividly remember the TLC video being a little different? AKA didn’t Chili actually get the boob job, then the fake boob fell out?! I hope someone else remembers. Otherwise there’s no convincing people we are not crazy.

Happy Diabetes!

Hello ducklings,

I read today that November has been dubbed National Diabetes Month, and APPARENTLY I missed National Diabetes Awareness Day on the 14th. UGH. Whatever.

Diabetes is a rising epidemic, and not even just type 1 diabetes. 1 in 500 kids born in 2011 will have Type 1 diabetes.

To break it down for you, you’re born with Type 1 diabetes, type 2 diabetes is your fault. Well not really your fault per se…

I digress. This post is just gonna shout out my favorite diabetics, because this disease is the closest to my heart. I ALWAYS buy the paper foot at the supermarket to support research for juvenile diabetes (Type 1).

[sidenote: did you know you can get type 2 diabetes temporarily when your pregnant? CRAZY. It’s only gestational diabetes and it goes away].

My favorite diabetics:

Favorite diabetic scientist :  Thomas Edison, OBVIOUSLY

Let’s be serious this man invented the LIGHT BULB. How necessary was that! Thank you T. Eds. we still use it.

Favorite diabetic singer: Elvis

If you read the blog daily [which you should] you will know that in my Veterans Day entry, I also shouted out Elvis for being a hot veteran. Well, this will be the second time he is recognized postmortem by me, in this blog.

Favorite diabetic politician: Sonia Sotomayor

She is the Supreme Court’s first Hispanic justice and third female justice. She’s pretty great for those two reasons alone, but on top of it all, she has diabetes. She gets my vote! [pun?]

Favorite diabetic painter: Paul Cezanne

Cezanne was a 19th century painter who loved up on cubism and impressionism before it was cool. He was a pioneer and he knew it. You go, Paul.

Favorite diabetic author: Mario Puzo

Let me just say, that I LOVED THE GODFATHER. The movie was alright, but I ate that book up like it was breakfast [I LOVE BREAKFAST]. Thank you M. Puzo for giving me such amazing reading material every other year. [that’s how long it takes for me to forget the book].

Favorite diabetic famous person: Halle Barry

She’s so pretty. That’s all I can even say about her.

Favorite diabetic athlete: Tie between Arthur Ashe and Billie Jean King

Both tennis players…both awesome..

And finally, my most favorite diabetic of all, my roommate fiance: Benjamin

He loves that sculpture by the way.

Ben is great in every way possible. He wins every game we play [not great], cleans up after me [great], and thinks everything is funny [sometimes great, sometimes not?].

We love you Benny boo…booo….booboo


MY Favorite Veterans!

Hello children,

Happy Veterans Day (happy?)! I am sitting here at work, essentially in the dark, because we just figured out [TODAY] that we were not supposed to open until 1pm. It is currently 10:47. These are going to be 3 hours of what could have been extra ME time people [see: watch TV]. I’M OVER IT.

Anyway, I personally know maybe 1 veteran? My grandfather. Although he is dead, he was FOR SURE a veteran. We used to go to random remembrance rallies all the time, and he would tell us ridiculous stories about the war that I am pretty sure he made up. He also managed to slip into every story that he was a spitting image of JFK, and given that he lived on the Cape he spent his summer days signing autographs for tourists.

“Enjoy your stay. – Frank Simmons”

I’m sure the summering families LOVED that.

But I digress.

The point of this post is to share with you some famous veterans that I happen to love.

MC Hammer –

Ahhh MC Hammer. What a legend. Where would we be without Hammer Pants and his wacky dance. Also, without him I would be at a loss for words when a guy randomly touches me in a bar. Thanks to him, I just shuffle away singing “can’t touch this…”.

Clint Eastwood –

Not gonna lie, C. Eastwood reminds me of mah aforementioned GPa. LOVE THEM BOTH. Clint IS the American dream. Not only is he a veteran, but he is a cowboy, an actor, a director, (a racist), an inspiration! I LOVED “Gran Torino”, too much.

Elvis –

Do I even need to put a blurb here?! You all know Elvis, you all know how EPIC he was.

Bea Arthur –

Before World War II Bea “Badass” Arthur volunteered for the Marine Corps and was one of their first female recruits. This woman couldn’t be anymore awesome. Not only was she a medical technician, she was so witty on The Golden Girls.

While I don’t support war, I appreciate the men and women risking their lives for our country.


My GBFF. My gay best friend. FO eva.

In light of all the hate and intolerance coming to the surface in the media, I decided it is time for a tribute post. The teen suicides of last week (and all time) are of great concern to me [AND HOPEFULLY THE ENTIRE COUNTRY]. It is DEPLORABLE that while these suicides were being discussed in the media, a handful of public and political figures used their long reaches to spread hate and intolerance.  New York Republican gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino went so far as to say that children shouldn’t be brainwashed into viewing homosexuality as acceptable. That’s right. Brainwashed. Because ALL children grow up to have EXACTLY the same views as their parents. Just ask Dick Cheney’s daughter, Mary Cheney.

It is revolting to me that while children in our country are taking their own lives; hateful public figures are essentially validating their reckless and tragic decisions.  It is equally unacceptable that some of the public and political figures who do stand for LGBT rights are staying silent on this issue. I applaud those celebrities who spoke out with the “It Gets Better Campaign” by the Trevor Project, however I would love to see some state representatives get involved.

But I digress.

While Taryn is my soulmate, Clayton is my gay best friend. We’ve been friends since the third grade when I had a braid down to my butt and he owned on the soccer field. We grew up together and persevered through fights, issues at home, and my bossiness. In elementary school we sang Destiny’s Child together, scoffed at the sixth grade musical, and formed a killer recess basketball team. In middle school we teamed up to give English teachers of all forms hell with our articulate and inappropriate conversations. In high school Clayton came out, and I was mad he didn’t tell me sooner, who knew I had a gay best friend in elementary school! In college we visited in Boston and in Amherst, always spending too much at dinner and watching horrible chick flicks. Here we are today, suddenly adults, and I appreciate him more than I ever could explain.

Clayton was there for me when I was bullied in elementary school (that’s a joke). He was there for me when I had secrets to be kept in middle school (also a joke). But in all seriousness, he was the one there for my first heartbreak. I called him sobbing (which was traumatizing for him, I don’t ever cry). Like the true friend he is, the next day the ex got kicked in the hallway. Yes, kicked.

Clayton was there for me through the aforementioned heartbreak, an abusive relationship, my family falling apart, and many other scary situations. He never judged me and always drove to me to get a milkshake when I needed one.

Clayton and I have been talking about our weddings since before we were even old enough to be legally wed. We have very different ideas, but we are both excited and determined to have beautiful weddings to remember. Now that I am engaged, Clayton is staying true to his nature listening to my every concern from drunken relatives to napkin holders. It is UNFATHOMABLE that if we lived just one state over, Clayton would be legally deprived of the childhood dreams we spent hours conceiving.

Clayton deserves all the ingredients of a happy life and more. He has worked hard his whole life just maintain sanity and keep that dimpled smile on his face. While I appreciate the shopping trip, endless phone calls, and horrible movies, I appreciate his perseverance most of all.

Where would I be without my gay best friend? My clothes would be ugly, my life less enjoyable, and my confidence less present. Clayton pushed me to pursue my now fiancé, without Clayton, I wouldn’t be engaged. Without Clayton, I wouldn’t be who I am today. As sappy as that is, it’s true.

“The worst form of inequality is to try to make unequal things equal.” –Aristotle.