Not in a nostalgic, happy tears, kind of way.
More like in a angry, loathing, enraged kind of way.
Monday evening I was minding my own business sitting on my newly covered couch watching television. As I was mindlessly flicking through the channels, Oprah caught my eye. Remembering that the last time I actually watched Oprah was around 5 years ago, I decided to take a gander.
As I settled in for some classic talk show, I noticed the majority of the audience was crying.
Oh what’s that?
YES. I WAS WATCHING OPRAH’S FAVORITE THINGS.
Now, for those [3] of you who do not know, getting a seat during Oprah’s “Favorite Things” episode is basically like winning the lottery. She gives stuff out all show long, and people go ape shit. I never understood why everyone freaked out so much, or cried so long. Then again, I had never watched an entire episode. Until last night.
THE FIRST THING SHE GAVE OUT WAS AN IPAD. Now, I work in a computer store and I have come to realize that an Ipad is a glorified cell phone and dumbed down computer. I don’t necessarily want an Ipad, but if someone, say OPRAH, decided to give me one, I would be ecstatic.
Then I started crying [nothing to do with that time of month..ew?]. IT WAS RAGE CRYING REMEMBER? So for the sake of this post, I am going to share with you what I would do with some of Oprah’s “Favorite Things”.
#1. The Sofia Satchel by Coach. Value: $398
How beautiful is this bag?! I have been SEARCHING like it was my JOB for a new bag to fill with all the stuff I have that I don’t need but insist on carrying around with me ever. This little number would be PERFECT for the task at hand. Alas, I do not HAVE a spare four hundred dollars, nor am I BFFLs with Oprah. I would love this bag like it was my first born. Don’t judge. I really need a new bag.
#2. Hope in a Jar. SET. Value: $203
I love my face. A lot. I wear SPF every day and by the end of the day I’ve rubbed all my makeup off. If I was in the audience I would be bathing in this lotion as we speak. It is amazing and just as delightful as the label implies. Every once in awhile I decide that I can spend SIXTY DOLLARS on my moisturizer instead of seven dollars at CVS. When I make this decision, my face loves me, and I can’t buy groceries. NBD.
#3. Le Creuset Cookware Set. Value: $399
So, I may be a lot of things, and a middle aged woman is one of them. Not really, but I act like one 99% of the time. I love to cook, I love cookware, I love new cooking utensils, and I love cast iron. UGH. THE THINGS I WOULD HAVE CONCOCTED WITH THIS SET. Thanks for nothing O.
#4. Oh NBD. A 2012 VW Bug.
OKAY. Not only is she better than Santa Claus, Oprah is a TIME TRAVELER. She is giving out a car model that hasn’t even HAPPENED yet. VW is redoing the Bug for only the second time in history, and the new model is due out 2012. The Bug is a top secret affair until later in 2011, but they let Oprah show the audience [me?] the outline. It is not a bug. It is a sedan. AND A FREE BRAND NEW CAR. UGH.
#5. Diamond earrings. Value: $1900
How beautiful! I may or may not be getting married next year [I am] and these would be PERFECT earrings to go with my dress. I would never take them off. I would sleep with them on. I am normal.
#6. Nordstrom gift cards. Value: $1000
The Big O gave out TWO five hundred dollar gift cards to Nordstroms just to pull at my heart strings. It is almost like she knew how much Nordstroms means to me. She is an evil lady. These gift cards were meant specifically for new bras. WHO DOESN’T NEED A NEW BRA. I know I certainly do. But mine will be from Target. Tar-j if you’re nasty.
And so, so, very much more. Oprah really really outdid herself on this episode and her generosity [see: pocket change to the big O]. I was so jealous watching this episode I think I literally turned green. Awful coloring for me.
-A
We Love Ourselves 